I’ve always had a lot of respect and admiration for legitimate intellectuals. I even wanted to be one, but then I became fond of alcohol and the Internet. So these days I just do what I can to occasionally be perceived as a legitimate intellectual.
A good pseudo-intellectual knows how to give off an air of erudition without having to put forth too much of an effort. You don’t want to have to show your work, or to interact for any length of time with brighter minds. It’s best just to keep your false brilliance as quiet and as superficial as possible.
A big part of that is knowing what books to carry around and display in public. You’re not going to impress any Mensa members or Rhodes scholars or Natalie Portman if you’ve got a Danielle Steele paperback popping out of your purse or satchel. Nor will you succeed in intimidating your friends and acquaintances if the novels prominently displayed on your living room bookshelf are more Clive Cussler than Franz Kafka.
For those of you smart enough to want to appear smart, below I’ve provided a list of novels to be seen with. Bonus points if you are seen actually READING them, but don’t feel compelled to do so – it can be seen as pretentious. (Note: While my list contains only works of challenging fiction, feel free to also be seen with works of challenging non-fiction. Sartre’s Being and Nothingness should be enough.)
1) Finnegan’s Wake. It took James Joyce 17 years to write it, and it would take you twice as long to read and comprehend it. Please check with your physician before attempting to actually read it, or even to lift it up. Best to just keep it on your reinforced coffee table and comment to friends about the intense rush of adrenalin you experience each time you finish it.
2) Gravity’s Rainbow. While this is one of the most difficult modern classics ever written, it’s just as easy as The Little Engine That Could to order online or pay for at the counter at your local bookstore. Simply inhaling near this novel has been known to raise one’s IQ by about 25 points. Picking it up and holding it can raise IQ by about 50 points. Ironically, opening it and reading each page can damage the brain to such an extent as to make others assume you are a hockey player or reality TV star.
3) The Stranger. No respectable pseudo-intellectual can say they haven’t read Camus, and saying you’ve read Camus really only counts if you say you’ve read this novel, which exemplifies the author’s penchant for things existential and absurd. But, again, talk can get you into trouble if you have the misfortune of meeting a true intellectual, thus it’s better to just be seen with the book and shut your mouth. That said, of all the novels listed here, The Stranger – which clocks in at a mere 123 pages (depending on the edition) – would likely be the easiest one to actually tackle. Just be sure to peruse the CliffsNotes summary of the book (or at least check out the Wikipedia entry for the novel) before engaging in any actual discussion.
4) The Brothers Karamazov. Notable admirers of this 19th century literary masterpiece by Fyodor Dostoevsky include Albert Einstein, Ludwig Wittgenstein and Martin Heidegger. Sigmund Freud called it “the most magnificent novel ever written.” So don’t be stupid – get possession of this book and publicly display it if you ever want to be considered a formidable pseudo-intellectual.
5) The Divine Comedy. If you can’t stand the pseudo-intellectual heat, then stay out of the circles of hell, which is what this epic medieval poem by Dante Alighieri explores. But don’t sweat it – just buy it and keep it in your guest bathroom.
6) War and Peace. If you need an explanation as to why this book is on this list, then I’m sorry but you simply are not cut out to be a pseudo-intellectual. Perhaps it would be better for you to lower the bar a bit and simply shoot for arrogant douchebag, which is nothing to be ashamed of.
7) Atlas Shrugged. I couldn’t get through even one chapter of this monster by Ayn Rand even when I was at the peak of my pseudo-intellectual powers back in college. All the more reason to let others see me holding it in bookstore aisles to this day. To help ensure it looks like I’m actually reading it, I’ll sometimes hide a copy of something by Dr. Seuss inside the cover.
8) The Sound and The Fury. What do you get when you take a post-modern stream-of-consciousness Faulkner novel featuring three different narrators (one of which is mentally disabled and narrates the way children color), and throw in a third-person section just for good measure? You get confused. But you also get a book that any serious pseudo-intellectual would WANT to be caught dead with.
9) The Castle. Sure, I could have gone with Metamorphosis – Kafka’s most famous novel (a puny novella, really) – but total predictability is not very becoming of a pseudo-intellectual. You’ve got to mix things up at least a little to keep your smarter acquaintances off-kilter and perhaps even compel them to question their own brilliance. While The Castle may not be Kafka’s most well known work, it’s arguably his most complex, humanistic and influential one – at least that’s what I’ve heard from people who’ve finished it.
10) Infinite Jest. This novel by the maniacally brilliant (though quite dead) David Foster Wallace is about everything, with an emphasis on drug addiction and, of course, tennis. It weighs in at just under a thousand pages that are followed by 388 endnotes – some of which have their own footnotes. Enough said.
While one should never judge a book by its cover, it’s okay to judge a person by the book covers they carry around. What difficult books that made you feel dumb do you occasionally display to artificially up your IQ? (Oh, and if you feel the books I’ve listed above were all relatively easy reads, you are obviously very smart and, thus, have no business reading my blog.)
A good pseudo-intellectual knows how to give off an air of erudition without having to put forth too much of an effort. You don’t want to have to show your work, or to interact for any length of time with brighter minds. It’s best just to keep your false brilliance as quiet and as superficial as possible.
A big part of that is knowing what books to carry around and display in public. You’re not going to impress any Mensa members or Rhodes scholars or Natalie Portman if you’ve got a Danielle Steele paperback popping out of your purse or satchel. Nor will you succeed in intimidating your friends and acquaintances if the novels prominently displayed on your living room bookshelf are more Clive Cussler than Franz Kafka.
For those of you smart enough to want to appear smart, below I’ve provided a list of novels to be seen with. Bonus points if you are seen actually READING them, but don’t feel compelled to do so – it can be seen as pretentious. (Note: While my list contains only works of challenging fiction, feel free to also be seen with works of challenging non-fiction. Sartre’s Being and Nothingness should be enough.)
1) Finnegan’s Wake. It took James Joyce 17 years to write it, and it would take you twice as long to read and comprehend it. Please check with your physician before attempting to actually read it, or even to lift it up. Best to just keep it on your reinforced coffee table and comment to friends about the intense rush of adrenalin you experience each time you finish it.
2) Gravity’s Rainbow. While this is one of the most difficult modern classics ever written, it’s just as easy as The Little Engine That Could to order online or pay for at the counter at your local bookstore. Simply inhaling near this novel has been known to raise one’s IQ by about 25 points. Picking it up and holding it can raise IQ by about 50 points. Ironically, opening it and reading each page can damage the brain to such an extent as to make others assume you are a hockey player or reality TV star.
3) The Stranger. No respectable pseudo-intellectual can say they haven’t read Camus, and saying you’ve read Camus really only counts if you say you’ve read this novel, which exemplifies the author’s penchant for things existential and absurd. But, again, talk can get you into trouble if you have the misfortune of meeting a true intellectual, thus it’s better to just be seen with the book and shut your mouth. That said, of all the novels listed here, The Stranger – which clocks in at a mere 123 pages (depending on the edition) – would likely be the easiest one to actually tackle. Just be sure to peruse the CliffsNotes summary of the book (or at least check out the Wikipedia entry for the novel) before engaging in any actual discussion.
4) The Brothers Karamazov. Notable admirers of this 19th century literary masterpiece by Fyodor Dostoevsky include Albert Einstein, Ludwig Wittgenstein and Martin Heidegger. Sigmund Freud called it “the most magnificent novel ever written.” So don’t be stupid – get possession of this book and publicly display it if you ever want to be considered a formidable pseudo-intellectual.
5) The Divine Comedy. If you can’t stand the pseudo-intellectual heat, then stay out of the circles of hell, which is what this epic medieval poem by Dante Alighieri explores. But don’t sweat it – just buy it and keep it in your guest bathroom.
6) War and Peace. If you need an explanation as to why this book is on this list, then I’m sorry but you simply are not cut out to be a pseudo-intellectual. Perhaps it would be better for you to lower the bar a bit and simply shoot for arrogant douchebag, which is nothing to be ashamed of.
7) Atlas Shrugged. I couldn’t get through even one chapter of this monster by Ayn Rand even when I was at the peak of my pseudo-intellectual powers back in college. All the more reason to let others see me holding it in bookstore aisles to this day. To help ensure it looks like I’m actually reading it, I’ll sometimes hide a copy of something by Dr. Seuss inside the cover.
8) The Sound and The Fury. What do you get when you take a post-modern stream-of-consciousness Faulkner novel featuring three different narrators (one of which is mentally disabled and narrates the way children color), and throw in a third-person section just for good measure? You get confused. But you also get a book that any serious pseudo-intellectual would WANT to be caught dead with.
9) The Castle. Sure, I could have gone with Metamorphosis – Kafka’s most famous novel (a puny novella, really) – but total predictability is not very becoming of a pseudo-intellectual. You’ve got to mix things up at least a little to keep your smarter acquaintances off-kilter and perhaps even compel them to question their own brilliance. While The Castle may not be Kafka’s most well known work, it’s arguably his most complex, humanistic and influential one – at least that’s what I’ve heard from people who’ve finished it.
10) Infinite Jest. This novel by the maniacally brilliant (though quite dead) David Foster Wallace is about everything, with an emphasis on drug addiction and, of course, tennis. It weighs in at just under a thousand pages that are followed by 388 endnotes – some of which have their own footnotes. Enough said.
While one should never judge a book by its cover, it’s okay to judge a person by the book covers they carry around. What difficult books that made you feel dumb do you occasionally display to artificially up your IQ? (Oh, and if you feel the books I’ve listed above were all relatively easy reads, you are obviously very smart and, thus, have no business reading my blog.)
