The one-star book review. For some authors, a single star from a reader is enough to send them into a downward emotional spiral from which they never recover. For more self-assured and experienced authors, such a hateful review is a sign they’ve arrived, a cause for celebration, a reason to hire a security team.
They say a one-star book review says much more about the reviewer than about the actual book—especially if the book is, by wide consensus, very good or great. When a reader flings a single star at a novel that averages four-plus, it generally indicates the reader just got dumped by a lover or is trying to quit smoking. Sometimes, a giver of one-star is simply an illiterate Internet troll incapable of elaborating on the teribullness of the buuk they found so unreedabull. Occasionally, however, a one-star review of a great book is well-written, even convincing—delivered by a self-described literary genius who refuses to conform to popular opinion and instead feels compelled to point out how and why the book in question is not only highly overrated but complete drivel.
Regardless of the accuracy of or motivations behind one-star book reviews, they are an absolute joy to read. And since we can all use a little more joy in our lives, today I’d like to share the most scathing, sardonic as well as idiotic reviews of some of the most critically acclaimed and beloved books in the crime fiction world. (To enhance your reading pleasure, I’ve kept all the reviewers’ typos intact.)
Enjoy!
And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie
"Don't buy. Nothing special. Another waste of time like the books of Charles Dickens. I gave Agatha's best book a chance and it disappointed big time."
The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler
"I kept hoping I find the reason it's so well liked, but NO I would not recommend it to anyone. It was way too long & wordy with descriptions & geesh I guess maybe some folks just like all of the in my opinion long drawn out descriptions of it."
The Day of the Jackal by Frederick Forsyth
"Too much unnecessary detail makes reading it quite difficult. I really don't want to know, for example, how someone's flatulence sounded and lasted for how long and whether they lifted their leg to do it or sat on the potty. The details in the book are in similar tones.
Bluebird, Bluebird by Attica Locke
"Liberal fiction, no thanks. I tried enjoying the book but the constant cheap shots at Republicans like Ted Cruz got old and I stopped. BTW, having owned a farm in East Texas, I can say the book certainly takes liberties with the way East Texas really is. Fiction, this book certainly is."
The Spy Who Came in from the Cold by John le Carré
"Yes, it's complicated. You never know who are the good guys and who the bad. Even after you've be read the last word and in introspection it's not at all clear what has happened, why, or how you could have so foolishly wasted your time reading this trash."
The Black Dahlia by James Ellroy
"I know its set in a different era, but I found the content difficult to cope with. The way characters were described, it was just too negative. I love to read and usually finish all books I start, but I had to stop reading this. It made me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to be negative, but I felt I needed to express my opinion on this one."
In the Woods by Tana French
"This author needs a editor. The information says its 612 pages long, that's 400 more pages than necessary to tell the tale. I'm sorry I wasted so much time. I would have appreciated and ending to the detective's story. I won't be reading anything else by this author."
Still Life by Louise Penny
"The author did not do adequate research to understand either hunting or archery, both of which are critical parts of the plot line. When a supposed character that hunts butchered the description of what a "recurve" bow is I almost gave up. I probably should have. If you are uninformed about, or prejudiced against, hunting then you won't mind the general tone of the book. Just don't use it to learn about archery."
Mystic River by Dennis Lehane
"Not grrat. Had to buy this from a class. It wasn't good at all, so I wouldn't buy this unless it is required for you."
The Turn of the Key by Ruth Ware
"The reader is way, way over the top with her drama."
Devil in a Blue Dress by Walter Mosley
"BORING I IT WAS POORLY WRITTEN, DID NOT LIKE CHARACTER, FILTHY WOULD NOT TRY TO FINISH WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY AND MORE IMPORTANT TIME"
Along Came a Spider by James Patterson
"i wanted the paperback not the kindle"
The Talented Mr. Ripley by Patricia Highsmith
"the problem is in those stupid covers where they have to mention that this is now a major motion picture staring this and that stupid actor/actress. its just dumb. really anoying. book is great."
Pronto by Elmore Leonard
"I finally finished the book. So glad it's over. I'll never buy another in this series. Liked the television show."
A Judgement in Stone by Ruth Rendell
"Dear Lord! What an absolutely dreadful book. I just wanted those poor characters to be killed quickly so the book would be over. This was chosen by someone in my book club. The bad people in the story are mousy, the good characters in the story are mousy. The community at large is mousy. It never gets better and could only get over and done with. I hate to complain about things these days but this miserable story's highlight is the title. Once you open up the book it's all downhill from there."
The Snowman by Jo Nesbø
"Save yourself! Mow the grass! First and definitely last time I will spend money on this author. I'm scratching my head wondering why anyone would ever bother buying a book that this fellow wrote; disconnected, slow, boring, and far too easy to determine who the "bad" guy was - If you find yourself tempted to buy a book written by this author, take a deep breath, get control of yourself, and buy one written by Michael Connelly or Lee Childs - I know you want to give me a big hug but maybe not."
The Poet by Michael Connelly
"Too many stupid people. What is going on with all those stupid policemen, FBI, and the whole lot of civilians? It seems that one cannot find a book where the hero is not an appalling individual that you just cannot bring yourself to sympathize with? This particular one - total A-hole. And on the top of it all, I really do not want to read about his love/sex life. Ugh!."
Killing Floor by Lee Child
"Several instances where God's Name is misused. If it wasn't for this I would have loved reading the rest of the series."
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
"Not like Gillian Flynn. I didn’t like it."
Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
"I'm reviewing the book not the movie. I might be alone here, but I hated it. My friend kept recommending it, so I thought why not? I kept reading it to the end because it was interesting"
Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King
"Not a normal stephen king book. I was 30 mins from end and knew it had to take a twist....nope the psycho talked, that's it :( disappointed!"
Resurrection Men by Ian Rankin
"haven't read it yet so leave me alone"
Tell No One by Harlan Coben
"Trash! This book bears the same relationship to a good crime novel as does news in the Tabloid you pick up at your grocery check out the quality of news in New York times and the WSJ"
Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter
"The most disturbing book I have ever read. It started off so good then it went down a very dark path and kept getting worse. I wish I had never read this book, it was so disturbing. Do not recommend."
The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris
"Misleading. Not a single lamb"
Feel free to share some of your favorite one-star book reviews in the comments section below. Also, have YOU ever written a one-star review of a book? If so, was the book one of MINE? If so, what’s your address?
This past year was the longest decade ever. And now that it’s finally over, I’m excited to welcome in 2021. Hell, I’d be excited to welcome in 1621 or 1721 or any other year or even a chainsaw-wielding serial killer. Anything but 2020 again.
A new year is a time for resolutions and predictions. And since I have a natural lack of resolve, I’m going to focus solely on the prediction part. Of course, making predictions requires one to have a solid grasp on reality, which I lack even more than I do resolve. Thus, I’m going to focus solely on predictions about fiction.
So, without further delay or convoluted transitional statements, I bring you my Five Fiction Predictions for 2021:
1) There will be a 325% increase in characters wearing masks.This will occur across almost all contemporary genres. The increase will be notably less in superhero graphic novels and literary erotica, the characters of which have been wearing masks for decades.
2) Fight scenes will be almost completely replaced by shootouts. Due to authors now feeling compelled to work social distancing into their stories, readers can expect to see fewer scenes featuring hand-to-hand combat and female characters kicking predatory male characters in the crotch, and more scenes of gunplay and female characters shooting predatory male characters in the crotch.
3) Horror sales will decline.I’ve always loved a good horror story and personally know and respect several authors who write in this genre, so this wasn’t an easy prediction for me. But hey, I don’t get paid to make or keep friends. In fact, I don’t get paid period and don’t have any friends—thus I’m just going with my gut here. Sales of horror novels will steadily start trending downward because, after all the chaos and terror we’ve all had to deal with in real life lately, everyone’s just bored of nightmares. Death and gore and terrifying suspense? That’s just an average Tuesday nowadays.
4) First-person POV serial killer novels will dominate U.S. bestseller lists.With such anger and divisiveness tearing America apart, people are becoming increasingly aggressive and violent—including authors. But since most authors never learned how to throw a proper punch and tend to lack upper-body strength, many will go on fictional murder sprees to help them take out their frustration on people who don’t think exactly like them or buy their books.
5) There will be a big shift to historical fiction and sci-fi.Lots of authors of contemporary fiction are sick of trying to adapt their work to align with what’s happening in the real world. This will cause many to abandon modern-day plots and settings for ones far enough in the past or future to eliminate the need for their characters to constantly wash their hands, stand six feet apart, and horde toilet paper.
YOUR turn: Do you have any fiction predictions for 2021? More importantly, do any of them hint at a massive increase in sales of MY books?
Creative writing has given me more joy than I could have ever imagined and it is torture. No other activity fills me with such a strong sense of flow and purpose and pain and hopelessness. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from writing except when it feels like I’ve been tied to several of them and they’re each galloping off in opposite directions.
Point is, aside from my family and my pets and my readers, there’s nothing I love more than writing novels and I hate it.
In keeping with such dichotomy, below are the five best and the five worst things about writing a novel:
5th best:The quiet. Sitting in complete silence while putting characters through total hell is incredibly peaceful and satisfying. For me—a crime fiction and thriller writer—it’s like a deep form of meditation … only with a bit more murder.
5th worst:The noise.Sometimes it’s almost as if the neighbor remodeling their house doesn’t understand how much more important the imaginary crime you’re working on is. Or like the kids outside laughing and playing don’t care that you’re this close to finishing Chapter 8. Or your spouse in the other room doesn’t realize how much her breathing is keeping you from pulling off a shocking twist.
4th best:The power and control. You needn’t be a megalomaniac to enjoy having the power to control every action your characters does, every word they say, every thought and emotion they think and feel. But it helps. Regardless, it’s hard not to wish you had the same power and control in the real world—especially with relatives during Thanksgiving.
4thworst:The lack of power and control.Fictional characters—not unlike real people—often develop a mind of their own and start taking you and your novel in directions you never imagined heading in and would be wise to avoid. Some days, a character—usually an important one, like the protagonist—won’t listen to a single word you say. Or worse, they won’t even show up, leaving you sitting there staring at a blank page or an unfinished scene like some idiot who should have listened to their mother when she advised they go to medical or law school instead of becoming a novelist.
3rd best:The “high.” They say the only thing that compares to a “writer’s high” is a heroin high. And writing is less damaging to the liver, heart and brain. Unless you’re doing it correctly.
3rdworst:The lows.They say the only thing that compares to the overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread one experiences upon losing their writer’s high is the overflowing sense of anxiety and dread one experiences during heroin withdrawal. And at least extended heroin withdrawal usually causes death and thus an end to the suffering.
2nd best:The incredible sense of accomplishment.Fact: The odds of being born are 400 trillion to 1. Fact: Only 0.3% of people born go on to write a book. Thus, if you’ve written a book, it’s a freaking MIRACLE. And if you’ve actually SOLD a few copies, well, now you’re just showing off.
2nd worst:The soul-crushing sense of failure.Fact: The odds of landing a literary agent after finishing your novel are 1 in 1000. Fact: Even if you land an agent and the agent lands you a book deal, the average traditionally published book sells only 250-300 copies in its first year. And if you go the indie-route, keep in mind the average self-published book sells only 250-300 copies over the course of its entire lifetime. Thus, if you’re a writer getting pummeled with rejection notifications or putting up dismal numbers in the sales column, well … nobody cares—such failure is the norm! The natural thing is to quit … but writers don’t know how.
The absolute best:The immortality.There’s nothing as fulfilling or as empowering as knowing this thing you’ve created using nothing but your drunken mind and fingertips is going to be around and tied directly to you forever, or at least until Amazon crashes beneath its own weight.
The absolute worst: The immortality.There’s nothing as debilitating or as humiliating as knowing the two major plot holes and five flagrant typos inside this thing you’ve created are going to be around and tied directly to you forever —even after Amazon crashes, as people LOVE to talk about the egregious mistakes of others for all eternity.
Speaking of egregious mistakes, surely I’ve missed some really great and some really horrible things about writing a novel. For those of you who’ve written one, feel free to share some of your worst and best things about it. For those of you who haven’t written one, just make some sh*t up—that’s all writers ever do.
The first time I encountered S.A. Cosby’s writing, he was speaking it. I was attending a “Noir at the Bar” event at the Bouchercon crime fiction convention in Dallas last year, and Cosby gave a reading that tore the house down.
The fresh booming voice, the electrical charge and the emotional thrum I and the rest of the audience heard is the same voice and charge and thrum a reader “hears” whenever reading Cosby’s work themselves. This goes double for his stunning and widely acclaimed new novel, Blacktop Wasteland(Flatiron Books). I’d need a whole separate website to fit all the raving testimonials the book and Cosby have received from some of the biggest names in crime fiction since it launched last month. Here’s just a tiny sample:
“Blacktop Wasteland is an urgent, timely, pitch-perfect jolt of American noir. S. A. Cosby is a welcome, refreshing new voice in crime literature.” ―Dennis Lehane
“…S. A. Cosby reinvents the American crime novel. … Blacktop Wasteland thrums and races―it’s an intoxicating thrill of a ride.” —Walter Mosley
“Sensationally good―new, fresh, real, authentic, twisty, with characters and dilemmas that will break your heart. More than recommended.” ―Lee Child
Now, you may be thinking, Wow, why would a big new breakout novelist like Cosby waste his valuable time doing an interview with someone like Greg? It’s okay—I thought the same thing. But then I remembered how generous, humble and good-natured Cosby has been with me—and everyone —ever since I met him on Twitter last year, and I realized it’s no surprise at all that he agreed to be here today.
So let’s get to it!
Welcome, S.A.! And huge KUDOS on Blacktop Wasteland.I can’t remember the last time I saw a neo-noir novel garner as much praise and accolades as your book has. (Well deserved, I must add.) Has all the attention and buzz been a dream come true, or totally terrifying? Or both?
SA: It’s been an amalgamation of fear, excitement, surrealness, and a smidge of inebriation.
When did you know you had something really special cooking with this book?
SA:Like most writers, I often think I’m just barely treading water, but I will say there is a section towards the end of the book where I felt like maybe just maybe this story was pretty good. If you’ve read the book its the scene with Ronnie and Bug in the cornfield. That was when I thought I’d found the rhythm.
I have read that scene, by the way, and yeah, it’s damn good. Moving on: The book—like the muscle cars featured in it—is a fast machine that takes readers on a wild, dangerous ride. How much research was involved in nailing the life of a world-class getaway driver? Was it your love of cars that compelled you to write the book, or was something even bigger driving you?
SA:I grew up around cars and shade-tree mechanics who liked to test there engine building skills against each other from time to time in drag races, so I had a somewhat tertiary appreciation for high-level driving. In addition to that, I’m a huge fan of chase movies or films with great chase scenes But I also wanted to talk about the complexities of tragic and toxic masculinity and how those issues intersect with how we find our own identity.
Is there something in particular you hope readers will take away from reading Blacktop Wasteland, or do you simply want them to enjoy the ride?
SA: I hope readers will gain a bit of an understanding about how desperate generational poverty can make a person. A lot of people will tell you to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps but ignore the fact you are barefoot. But I hope it’s also a fun ride. As they say, a spoonful of honey makes the medicine go down.
Switching gears a little, do you feel enough is being done with regard to diversity in publishing—specifically with regard to bringing new voices to crime fiction? What more would you like to see?
SA:I think there have been great strides in bringing more diverse voices to the table, but my hope is that this movement isn’t viewed as a trend. It needs to become a part of the general fabric of the publishing business.
I personally love reading and writing noir—stories told from the perspective of “criminals” who have a heart. What does noir mean to you? What do you like most about writing it?
SA:I think noir can be defined as bad people doing bad things for the right reasons. I find that fascinating. The ways we compartmentalize our morality for what we consider the greater good. In a way, that is similar to the term hardboiled—but to me the difference is that in a hardboiled story the hero survives and perseveres. In a noir tale the hero is damaged, broken on the inside in ways that never heal.
The only thing more captivating than reading your writing, S.A., is having YOU read your writing out loud. You've developed quite a reputation for powerful and entertaining public reads—is that something you've had to work hard at or does it come naturally to you?
SA: Well I was a drama club kid in school, so I guess I retained a little bit of the performance bug from my days reciting Shakespeare, lol. But I always attempt to write in a way that replicates actual speech, so I often read what I've written out loud to myself so doing a live reading comes pretty naturally to me.
Who are a few of your favorite authors and/or biggest influences as a writer?
SA:As far as crime fiction goes I have to say Walter Mosley and Dennis Lehane. They are on my Mount Rushmore of crime fiction. But one of my early influences was Stephen King. His naturalistic style and plain-spoken syntax, even while describing Eldritch horrors had a big impact on me. Also, I was influenced by the late Ernest J. Gaines, a masterful writer of the black southern experience.
I’m sure you have your hands full with this big launch for Blacktop Wasteland, but can you share a little about what you’re working on now?
SA:Currently I’m in the editing stage of my next book, a revenge novel tentatively titled Razorblade Tears, about two fathers—one black, one white, both ex cons—who return to their violent ways to investigate the murders of their married gay sons who were murdered in what appears to be a hate crime. While seeking vengeance the two men also attempt to redeem themselves for their callous way they treated their sons because of their sexuality.
Is there anything you were hoping I’d ask but didn’t?
SA:I was wondering if you were going to ask how I came up with the title, lol. It's a play on T.S. Eliot’s The Waste Land.
Cool—I love that poem and I own the book. Still, I dig YOUR book even more, S.A. Thanks for taking the time to chat about it, and for sharing your insight. Wishing you continued success with your writing career—which is currently a rocket blasting straight through the stratosphere. Please remember the rest of us here on Earth!
I try not to write too many posts aimed mainly at writers, since most of the folks who read my blog aren’t fellow scribes. Occasionally, though, things happen in the world that compel me to address my writing brethren—to comfort and console them, to commiserate with them, and, every once in a while, to light a fire beneath their ass as well as my own.
Today is one of those fire-lighting times. (I almost went with “ass-fire times” but the image it conjured left much to be desired.)
Several writer colleagues of mine—particularly fiction writers—have expressed how torn they’ve been feeling lately about working on their novel or short story or any other form of creative writing. To be clear, these writers aren’t struggling with the writing itself; that is, they’re not having issues with coming up with ideas or getting into a flow. And it isn’t that they can’t find the time to write. Rather, they’re wrestling with the guilt they feel while writing. They’re questioning whether fiddling around in fictional worlds is something they—or anyone else—should be doing right now, considering the real world is in the grips of historic turmoil.
Such “writer’s guilt” is understandable. I completely get it. Hell, up until recently, I completely experienced it. However, I’m pleased to report it no longer has the same hold on me as it did a couple of months ago. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve learned how to overcome the guilt that’s wreaking havoc on writers (and artists and musicians—and basically anyone else who takes pleasure in a creative pursuit) during these turbulent times.
Now, It’s important to point out that overcoming writer’s guilt is NOT the same as not giving a damn about anything other than your own writing. Not even close. Continuing to create in a world full of mayhem and hate is an act of courage, not of selfishness. Your imagination is a weapon that, when wielded properly, can heal humanity.
How so? I’m glad you asked. ...
Stories provide refuge for people in need of—and deserving of— escape.For many, the only way they can take their mind off of the harshest realities is through reading fiction. And not just fantasy or cozy fiction. I know lots of folks who turn to horror novels or psychological thrillers or some other dark genre to help provide cracks of light in a world that often feels pitch-black.
And to those of you who feel “reader’s guilt” while enjoying a good book, go easy on yourself. Escape does not equal apathy or complacency. I personally know several dedicated medical professionals and a few ambitious activists who, when on a break from treating patients or leading protests, sink into a novel, a short story, some poetry. They escape into new and different worlds so that they can live to fight another day in the world outside their windows.
Stories remind readers of the strength of the human spirit. In addition to providing a healthy and necessary means of escape, stories refuel readers. Inspire them. Even transform them. Doesn’t matter if it’s an epic hero saga or a gritty crime novel; every well-told story introduces us—the reader—to a main character with the odds stacked against them and something or someone standing directly in the way of what they’re dying to achieve.
Stories give us underdogs who refuse to stay down. They give us “bad guys” looking to make amends. They give us low-life’s aiming sky high, losers we can’t help rooting for. Stories stick us in the shoes of a stranger we already know and then put us through hell. Put us through fire. Forge us.
Go ahead, just try reading a novel like Little Secrets by Jennifer Hillier or Blood Standardby Laird Barron and NOTbe moved by the tremendous grit and compassion such stories exude.
Stories are a powerful medium for shedding light on and eliciting action around important social issues. You needn’t be a politically charged author-slash-activist to tap into the zeitgeist surrounding your story, thus adding power and agency to it and its characters. Few fiction enthusiasts enjoy being hit over the head with a writer’s political or social agenda, anyway. But unless your novel or short story is a radically fantastical one that takes place on a distant planet with alien beings in the distant future, it likely features humans living in a human world facing issues humans face—issues readers can relate to. Issues that captivate them and keep them riveted because they hit the reader right smack in “the feels.”
Authors like Attica Locke, Don Winslow and Alafair Burke write amazing, unputdownable crime fiction that isn’t necessarily about but centers around such systemic social issues as racism, police brutality, gun violence, and misogyny. These authors don’t write one-dimensional heroes who run around and solve major societal issues; rather they create multifaceted, flawed protagonists grinding it out in fictional worlds that mirror our real one. Worlds where humanity’s biggest problems are etched into the setting and inform each characters’ beliefs, thoughts and actions. More importantly, these authors demonstrate with great skill how it’s possible to tell captivating tales that entertain readers while simultaneously causing them to think about—and perhaps even take action around—things much bigger than the book they’re holding.
A writer not writing is a danger to themselves and others.Sure, a novelist could quit writing entirely to focus all of their time on trying to fix or heal society— and doing so would be a noble endeavor—but not all noble endeavors are necessarily smart or feasible. (Don Quixote, anyone?) Studies have shown that if a writer quits writing abruptly out of guilt, there is a 100-percent chance they will go completely insane and murder everyone in their neighborhood. (The studies were conducted by Harvard or Stanford or some other really important university, I can’t recall exactly. All I know is they were definitely conducted somewhere prestigious and are not just something I’m making up to support my point.)
Actually, just forget about the research I just cited and instead listen to Franz Kafka, who famously said: “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.” For those of you who think Kafka was just being dramatic when he said that, talk to just about any writer’s family. Talk to mine—ask them how I get whenever forced to go more than 48 hours without writing. There’s a reason why my wife invested in interior doors that lock from the outside.
Now, to be clear, I am NOT saying writers should be excused from caring about the pandemic or from being active, socially responsible citizens who stand up against injustice. In fact, if you’re a writer, I strongly encourage you to take occasional breaks from your writing to check on your neighbors and/or give blood and/or donate food and/or volunteer virtually—and to definitely educate yourself about systemic racism and what you can do to help end it.
Just be sure to then take all the humanity and the heartbreak and the strength of spirit you witness and experience, and incorporate it into a story that reminds us of what it means to be alive.
YOUR TURN: Any of you writers out there been struggling with guilt while working on your fiction? And for you normal people, er, I mean non-writers, have you been experiencing a similar type of guilt over a creative pursuit you normally enjoy? Share in the comments section below. Then get back to creating.