I’m often asked “What’s it like being a writer?” by my imaginary friends. My immediate response typically goes something like, “It’s just like any other job, only with more verbs.”
For those of you interested in a more intricate and (slightly) less ridiculous answer, below I describe a typical day in a writer’s life. I’ve opted to write it in second person to give you a real feel for what it’s like to pretend to make a living through the written word.
2:56 a.m. You wake up suddenly with a sense of dread and self-doubt, certain the novel you're working on is the worst thing you've ever written. You wonder why you ever stopped taking your medication.
2:57 a.m. You search the medicine cabinet for your old pills, popping one just for old time's sake. You fall back to sleep.
5:25 a.m. You wake up with a sense of euphoria and delusions of grandeur, certain the novel you're working on is the greatest thing you've ever written. You start planning what you'll wear to the Pen/Faulkner Awards dinner.
5:45 a.m. You go online to shop for your Pen/Faulkner Awards outfit, as 90% of your existing clothes fall into the category of pajamas.
6:30 a.m. You make a green breakfast smoothie containing all the vital nutrients you’ll need to fuel your brain and creativity for the entire two hours you plan on actually working that day. You wash the smoothie remnants down with a shot of vodka. You get the vodka taste out of your mouth by downing a can of Red Bull.
6:41 a.m. You sit down to write, but the Red Bull wants you to take a walk, which you do. You think about how many of the greatest writers used to take morning walks to clear their mind, and you smile at the thought of you being in the same “fraternity” as them. Then you think about how none of the greatest writers ever drank Red Bull, and you bow your head in shame – until the Red Bull picks you back up and reminds you that you are invincible and your novel is brilliant.
7:14 a.m. You sit down to write, and this time you actually start writing. Mostly tweets and Facebook author page updates about how you are a writer who is very busy writing. You take a break from the social media to actually add a couple of new paragraphs to your novel-in-progress.
8:02 a.m. You tweet and facebook about how you just added a couple of new paragraphs to your novel-in-progress.
8:05 am: You go on a hot streak with your novel writing and knock out five new pages… before realizing you already pretty much said everything you’ve just written several weeks earlier in a previous chapter. On top of that, one of the secondary characters you’ve involved in the action died three chapter ago. You delete all five “new” pages and curse yourself for declining your doctor’s offer to write you a prescription for amphetamines.
9:33 a.m. You decide to have another green smoothie to refuel, only this time you skip the actual green parts and go straight to the vodka, and then to the Red Bull, which, you tell yourself, is pretty much the same as amphetamines.
9:40: a.m. You sit down to write again and complete three of the most captivating and majestic pages you've ever written. You’re as lucid as you’ve ever been and your protagonist is fast becoming a highly compelling character who you’re certain will soon be etched in the minds of millions of readers, and who will be beloved for generations. You are in total harmony with your craft. Nothing can stop you now.
10:25 a.m. You stop to check your author page on Facebook to see if you have any new “likes”.
10:26 a.m. You continue working on your novel.
10:27 a.m. You stop to check your author website to see if your latest blog post has any new “likes” or comments.
10:28 a.m. You continue working on your novel.
10:29 a.m. You stop to check your Twitter account to see if your latest tweet about your Facebook author page and your author website got any retweets.
10:30 a.m. You congratulate yourself for your excellent multitasking skills, and then break for an early lunch.
11:20 a.m. You go to the mailbox and find a quarterly royalty check for your last novel.
11:21 a.m. You reenter the house, waving the royalty check ceremoniously above your head. You tell your spouse that you’re taking her/him out to dinner that night – to Chili’s… as long as she/he doesn’t get drinks or dessert.
11:22 a.m. You sit back down to continue working on your novel, but are too discouraged by the pitiful excuse of a royalty check you just received. You begin to wonder what’s the point of all this. You seriously consider scrapping the novel you’re working on and starting a new one about something that will actually sell.
11:55 a.m. You start writing the outline for a book about a post-apocalyptic vampire zombie invasion.
12:05 p.m. You realize you don’t know nearly enough about vampires or zombies or things post apocalyptic. You decide to spend the rest of the day doing research – watching Hulu and Netflix shows/movies covering the aforementioned topics.
7:00 p.m. You ask your spouse if you can just order Chili’s to go so that you can continue with your research, which you do until bedtime.
10:30 p.m. You lay in bed, excited about the huge sales figures your new novel idea could bring in. You convince yourself that you are not abandoning your artistic or literary principles but rather are adapting to the times and paving the way for a successful and lucrative fiction writing career.
10:45 p.m. After 15 minutes of sobbing quietly into your pillow, you fall asleep.
For those of you interested in a more intricate and (slightly) less ridiculous answer, below I describe a typical day in a writer’s life. I’ve opted to write it in second person to give you a real feel for what it’s like to pretend to make a living through the written word.
2:56 a.m. You wake up suddenly with a sense of dread and self-doubt, certain the novel you're working on is the worst thing you've ever written. You wonder why you ever stopped taking your medication.
2:57 a.m. You search the medicine cabinet for your old pills, popping one just for old time's sake. You fall back to sleep.
5:25 a.m. You wake up with a sense of euphoria and delusions of grandeur, certain the novel you're working on is the greatest thing you've ever written. You start planning what you'll wear to the Pen/Faulkner Awards dinner.
5:45 a.m. You go online to shop for your Pen/Faulkner Awards outfit, as 90% of your existing clothes fall into the category of pajamas.
6:30 a.m. You make a green breakfast smoothie containing all the vital nutrients you’ll need to fuel your brain and creativity for the entire two hours you plan on actually working that day. You wash the smoothie remnants down with a shot of vodka. You get the vodka taste out of your mouth by downing a can of Red Bull.
6:41 a.m. You sit down to write, but the Red Bull wants you to take a walk, which you do. You think about how many of the greatest writers used to take morning walks to clear their mind, and you smile at the thought of you being in the same “fraternity” as them. Then you think about how none of the greatest writers ever drank Red Bull, and you bow your head in shame – until the Red Bull picks you back up and reminds you that you are invincible and your novel is brilliant.
7:14 a.m. You sit down to write, and this time you actually start writing. Mostly tweets and Facebook author page updates about how you are a writer who is very busy writing. You take a break from the social media to actually add a couple of new paragraphs to your novel-in-progress.
8:02 a.m. You tweet and facebook about how you just added a couple of new paragraphs to your novel-in-progress.
8:05 am: You go on a hot streak with your novel writing and knock out five new pages… before realizing you already pretty much said everything you’ve just written several weeks earlier in a previous chapter. On top of that, one of the secondary characters you’ve involved in the action died three chapter ago. You delete all five “new” pages and curse yourself for declining your doctor’s offer to write you a prescription for amphetamines.
9:33 a.m. You decide to have another green smoothie to refuel, only this time you skip the actual green parts and go straight to the vodka, and then to the Red Bull, which, you tell yourself, is pretty much the same as amphetamines.
9:40: a.m. You sit down to write again and complete three of the most captivating and majestic pages you've ever written. You’re as lucid as you’ve ever been and your protagonist is fast becoming a highly compelling character who you’re certain will soon be etched in the minds of millions of readers, and who will be beloved for generations. You are in total harmony with your craft. Nothing can stop you now.
10:25 a.m. You stop to check your author page on Facebook to see if you have any new “likes”.
10:26 a.m. You continue working on your novel.
10:27 a.m. You stop to check your author website to see if your latest blog post has any new “likes” or comments.
10:28 a.m. You continue working on your novel.
10:29 a.m. You stop to check your Twitter account to see if your latest tweet about your Facebook author page and your author website got any retweets.
10:30 a.m. You congratulate yourself for your excellent multitasking skills, and then break for an early lunch.
11:20 a.m. You go to the mailbox and find a quarterly royalty check for your last novel.
11:21 a.m. You reenter the house, waving the royalty check ceremoniously above your head. You tell your spouse that you’re taking her/him out to dinner that night – to Chili’s… as long as she/he doesn’t get drinks or dessert.
11:22 a.m. You sit back down to continue working on your novel, but are too discouraged by the pitiful excuse of a royalty check you just received. You begin to wonder what’s the point of all this. You seriously consider scrapping the novel you’re working on and starting a new one about something that will actually sell.
11:55 a.m. You start writing the outline for a book about a post-apocalyptic vampire zombie invasion.
12:05 p.m. You realize you don’t know nearly enough about vampires or zombies or things post apocalyptic. You decide to spend the rest of the day doing research – watching Hulu and Netflix shows/movies covering the aforementioned topics.
7:00 p.m. You ask your spouse if you can just order Chili’s to go so that you can continue with your research, which you do until bedtime.
10:30 p.m. You lay in bed, excited about the huge sales figures your new novel idea could bring in. You convince yourself that you are not abandoning your artistic or literary principles but rather are adapting to the times and paving the way for a successful and lucrative fiction writing career.
10:45 p.m. After 15 minutes of sobbing quietly into your pillow, you fall asleep.
