Almost Good Ideas for Thrillers I Almost Wrote

I often come up with an idea for a crime novel or thriller that seems so good, I don’t even think about how I should look at it more closely the next morning when I’m sober. Then the morning comes and, after looking at the idea more closely, I realize three things:

1) It’s not a very good idea.

2) Ideas I come up with while drinking rarely are.

3) I must like drinking more than I like good ideas.

There should be a support group that helps authors grieve over book ideas they lose to sobriety. (Actually, such a group sort of already exists—it’s called Alcoholics Anonymous. But I don’t like listening to alcoholics talk about their problems unless the alcoholics are authors and their problems are about books.)

Few things are worse than thinking you have a killer concept for a novel, only to wake up and discover your brilliant idea is DOA and that you’ve slept in your car.

Whenever this happens, there’s no need to despair. I’ve learned one of the best ways to get over dead novel ideas is to share them with others in a blog post on a Wednesday in November. Below are my three most recent ones.

1) title: THE FIXER-UPPER

Premise: Exasperated by the trappings of the modern world, criminal defense attorney Roxy Bower buys an old, rustic, off-the-grid cabin in the woods of Oregon, where she hope to decompress on weekends. After the contractor she hires botches the cabin’s renovation, Roxy kidnaps him and holds him hostage until he repairs everything he screwed up. Trouble is, the contractor—unbeknownst to Roxy—has ties to the Pacific Northwest underworld. Even worse, Roxy succumbs to reverse Stockholm syndrome and falls in love with the contractor, who, as it turns out, is her long-lost first cousin.

Will Roxy get murdered by the mafia before she gets her cabinets hung correctly and her plumbing fixed? Will her love for her hostage be requited and, if so, will they get married and have a child with three arms or some other incest-related birth defect?       

2) title: WRITING WRONGS

Premise: William, a once great but now struggling novelist, is visited and tormented by several of his incomplete characters—all of whom are furious over the fact that he has left them stranded in abandoned manuscripts. Each character demands that William complete the book in which they are currently “stuck.” Several of the characters threaten William with grave physical harm if he even thinks about killing them off before fully developing them and giving their stories a proper conclusion.

Is this the end for William, or the best thing that could ever happen for his writing career? Or BOTH?

3) title: DEAD SET ON DEMOCRACY

Premise: Approaching the 2032 presidential election, the country is divided. Half the people love the rogue, egomaniacal incumbent president, Ronald Rump; the other half would do anything to oust Rump from the Oval Office. One thing everyone can agree on, however, is that Hollywood mega-celebrity Chloe Cavanaugh is a national treasure. So when news breaks that Ms. Cavanaugh has been abducted and murdered by a member of a misogynistic white nationalist organization, the entire country is traumatized and furious—especially since the captured killer has shown no remorse and says he was inspired by the ideology espoused by the president.

Despite Rump denouncing the horrendous crime, his favorability rating plummets just a week before Election Day. All signs point to him not being reelected, but a day before the election, it’s discovered that Chloe Cavanaugh faked her own murder to help “unite the people and save the country.” Will her bold and desperate plan work, or will it backfire and lead to even more political and social upheaval? Who the hell knows—there’s no way I’m ever going to write this novel.    

If you’re thinking of tinkering with some of my dead novel ideas to see if you can make something out of them, please note that there is an advance directive in place for each that clearly states DO NOT RESCUSCITATE. Kindly respect the dying wishes of these dead book ideas—or at least share half the royalties with me if you end up turning one of them into an international bestseller. Thanks!