Naturally, every author wants everyone to read everything they’ve ever written – or at least everything they’ve ever written that’s for sale. And while I certainly want as many people as possible to buy and read my latest novel, The Exit Man, I don’t want anyone with an elevated risk of not enjoying the book to waste their time and money. I’m thoughtful and noble like that.
So, rather than brag about how incredibly unique and captivating and intriguing and entertaining The Exit Man is, I’ve made a list of reasons why you may NOT want to buy my amazing book:
1) There’s not a single zombie, vampire, wizard, werewolf or overly explicit erotic scene. There were tons, but they all got edited out during the final proofing process since it was decided they did little to advance the plot.
2) The book is 99.9% text. Considering we now live in a Facebook/Instagram/Pinterest-centric society, I’m not sure WHAT I was thinking creating an almost entirely text-based piece of work – and a rather lengthy one at that. Like 300,000 characters long. I guess it’s true what they say – writers be crazy. That all said, the book does feature a cover image and even a few cool tone-setting pics that precede the start of the actual story, but after that, it’s all letters and words and paragraphs.
3) There is no audio book version available. Trust me, I get it. You have a job and kids and a drinking problem and a Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest account – all of which demand your attention for most of your waking life. You have neither the time nor energy to read. Unfortunately, reading is currently the only way to experience my novel, unless your significant other or hired escort doesn’t mind reading you to sleep each night. I have considered making my novel available as an audio book, but James Earl Jones charges way too much for his voice services, and Dame Judy Dench’s people have yet to return my calls. There is still hope though, as I am currently in talks with Gilbert Gottfried’s agent.
4) You are a little unstable, and the book mentions suicide a lot. I’m not judging – all humans, by their very nature, are a quite unstable… with the exception of Ryan Gosling, who really seems to have his sh*t together. We are the only creatures completely conscious of our inevitable death. That kind of knowledge will mess a person up, for sure. The protagonist of my novel is a rogue euthanasia specialist (is there any other kind?) who utilizes a very clean and painless method to help his terminally ill clients exit this world humanely and with dignity. If you, the reader, are suffering from any kind of existential angst or psychosis – and you are – this book might end up being a lot more suggestive than intended. I don’t have time for any legal battles with the surviving members of your family – I’m too busy writing my next disturbing yet poignant dark comedy.
5) I’ll probably just spend the money on drugs. Years of sitting on my ass writing has been hell on my lower back, and decades of being fully conscious of my imminent death has been hell on my hypothalamus. Thus, any funds earned from my latest novel will likely go toward muscle relaxants, pain pills and/or anti-anxiety meds. So, unless you are okay with supporting my dangerous habits (narcotics AND writing), better just to stay away from my book. Or just wait until it's available for free or at a severely discounted price after I’m institutionalized.
I realize many of you don’t like doing what you’re told and will go ahead and buy my novel despite my above disclaimers. Well, far be it from me to stand in your way. Hell, I’ll even be a good sport about it and provide you with a link to the book’s Amazon page.
So, rather than brag about how incredibly unique and captivating and intriguing and entertaining The Exit Man is, I’ve made a list of reasons why you may NOT want to buy my amazing book:
1) There’s not a single zombie, vampire, wizard, werewolf or overly explicit erotic scene. There were tons, but they all got edited out during the final proofing process since it was decided they did little to advance the plot.
2) The book is 99.9% text. Considering we now live in a Facebook/Instagram/Pinterest-centric society, I’m not sure WHAT I was thinking creating an almost entirely text-based piece of work – and a rather lengthy one at that. Like 300,000 characters long. I guess it’s true what they say – writers be crazy. That all said, the book does feature a cover image and even a few cool tone-setting pics that precede the start of the actual story, but after that, it’s all letters and words and paragraphs.
3) There is no audio book version available. Trust me, I get it. You have a job and kids and a drinking problem and a Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest account – all of which demand your attention for most of your waking life. You have neither the time nor energy to read. Unfortunately, reading is currently the only way to experience my novel, unless your significant other or hired escort doesn’t mind reading you to sleep each night. I have considered making my novel available as an audio book, but James Earl Jones charges way too much for his voice services, and Dame Judy Dench’s people have yet to return my calls. There is still hope though, as I am currently in talks with Gilbert Gottfried’s agent.
4) You are a little unstable, and the book mentions suicide a lot. I’m not judging – all humans, by their very nature, are a quite unstable… with the exception of Ryan Gosling, who really seems to have his sh*t together. We are the only creatures completely conscious of our inevitable death. That kind of knowledge will mess a person up, for sure. The protagonist of my novel is a rogue euthanasia specialist (is there any other kind?) who utilizes a very clean and painless method to help his terminally ill clients exit this world humanely and with dignity. If you, the reader, are suffering from any kind of existential angst or psychosis – and you are – this book might end up being a lot more suggestive than intended. I don’t have time for any legal battles with the surviving members of your family – I’m too busy writing my next disturbing yet poignant dark comedy.
5) I’ll probably just spend the money on drugs. Years of sitting on my ass writing has been hell on my lower back, and decades of being fully conscious of my imminent death has been hell on my hypothalamus. Thus, any funds earned from my latest novel will likely go toward muscle relaxants, pain pills and/or anti-anxiety meds. So, unless you are okay with supporting my dangerous habits (narcotics AND writing), better just to stay away from my book. Or just wait until it's available for free or at a severely discounted price after I’m institutionalized.
I realize many of you don’t like doing what you’re told and will go ahead and buy my novel despite my above disclaimers. Well, far be it from me to stand in your way. Hell, I’ll even be a good sport about it and provide you with a link to the book’s Amazon page.
