I Predict Big Fiction(al) Success for Me in 2022

I recently took a look back at my previous “New Year” blog posts—featuring my predictions and resolutions regarding me and my writing career—and doing so revealed something very interesting:

I suck at the future.

Not only have none of my predictions come true, I’ve failed to make good on roughly 99.637% of my New Year’s resolutions. Now, that wouldn’t be so discouraging if those predictions and resolutions had been extremely lofty and ambitious ones. But they weren’t. In my mind, most were actually quite achievable with some hard work and a little luck. They were practical prognostications and promises grounded relatively firmly in reality.

Turns out, that’s the problem.

Reality? Practicality? Those aren’t my strengths—I’m a fiction writer, for chrissakes. I need to be going BIG with my predictions and personal goals. HUGE, in fact. I need to lose complete and utter touch with reality, not ground myself in it.

And so, it is with great pride and delusions that I bring you my predictions and resolutions regarding my writing career in 2022.

I will sell enough books to build a mansion big enough to house James Patterson’s mansion and Jonathan Franzen’s ego. The home will be made out of titanium-reinforced hardcover copies of Fight Club and will feature twenty-five bedrooms, ten writing offices, five whiskey bars, and another twenty-five bedrooms. Everything will be powered by a combination of solar energy and Jeff Bezo’s rocket fuel.

I will win so many major writing awards, the Nobel Prize for Literature will be renamed “The Greggy.” I, of course, will decline to  accept the inaugural “Greggy” award—to show off my remarkable humility.

Each of my existing novels will be made into a movie, a TV series, a Broadway play, and a children’s book. Due to the violence and the crime and the adult themes my stories contain, each of the aforementioned projects will be rated “M for Mature Audiences”—with the exception of the children’s books, which will feature cute talking unicorns and teddy bears to help teach all the little tykes about murder and kidnapping in a safe and fun way.

Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert will have a death-match to determine which of them gets to host me on their show first. The bloody fight-to-the-death will become the basis of my next novel, which I will launch live on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

Lee Child, Gillian Flynn and Michael Connelly will each beg me to ghostwrite their next novel. Upon learning they can’t afford my ghostwriting fee, they’ll each ask if I can at least write a nice blurb for their book. Upon learning I’m taking a break from blurbing books, they’ll each ask if I can at least be the godfather of their grandchildren.

A small majority of my readers will remember to leave a review after finishing one of my books. Admittedly this one’s a bit of a stretch, but hey, a boy can dream, right?

Here’s hoping YOUR 2022 is as unbelievable as mine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!