When you tell people you're going to be a writer, undoubtedly many of them will tell you, "Don't quit your day job."
Don't listen to them. QUIT your day job.
Then get a much BETTER one.
It is true you likely won't earn much as an author and will thus need to supplement your writing income. But you can do better than your current day job. You just don't know it yet.
The trouble with most regular jobs is the hours are long and the pay ranges from laughable to lackluster. As an author, you need a lot of time to write and rewrite, and a lot of money to cover your drinking expenses and the costs associated with self-publishing after you fail to land an agent and publisher. Doing the 9-to-5 thing (or some uninspired variation of it) will provide you with neither enough time nor enough money. Plus most traditional jobs are boring and soul-crushing, leaving you with little energy and enthusiasm to create anything worth reading or making a Netflix series out of.
Below I’ve listed five nontraditional jobs that are ideal for authors looking to easily make ends meet. All feature minimum work for maximum pay, provide highly flexible scheduling, and require no formal degrees or certificates. Also, the exciting and risky nature of the jobs themselves will provide plenty of captivating fodder for books.
Now, it should be noted that if you get caught doing any of these jobs (with the exception of one), you will go to prison. But don’t sweat it. In prison you’ll gain even more book fodder and time to write. You simply can’t lose.
And now, on to what I consider some of the best possible day* jobs for authors. (*Most of these jobs are best done at night.)
Bank Robber. Had he been literate, Jessie James could have crushed it as a novelist. Bank robbers work only one or two days a month and make over a million dollars an hour—almost as much as J.K. Rowling. With that kind of free time, you could write a novel every two weeks—almost as many as Stephen King. Key qualifications for the job of Bank Robber include a cool temperament, a steady hand, and a ski mask. It also helps to know the bank’s hours.
Jewel Thief. This job is just as lucrative and time-efficient as Bank Robber, and requires many of the same attributes and ski masks. The big difference is that a jewel thief needs much less upper-body strength, as a handful of diamonds weighs a lot less than sacks full of cash. This is good news for writers who struggle to get to the gym between bouts of writing and drinking. In other words, nearly all authors.
Drug Dealer. Fortunately for writers, more than half the world’s population today is as depressed and as unstable as they are. This means the demand for narcotics and other controlled substances is higher than ever. As a drug dealer, an author can make a fortune working just a couple of hours a day, then spend the rest of the day sampling their own product and working on their novel. As an added bonus, having immediate access to painkillers is great for helping authors handle the agony of constant rejection and poor book sales.
Hitman (or woman). Most authors would kill for more time to write, and that’s exactly what they’d be doing in this job. An average hit takes only a few hours to prepare for and complete, and fetches between $25K-$50K. So by doing just one hit a month, an author will earn enough to almost cover the PR costs for promoting their latest novel. Two hits a month, and they can start thinking about bribing Kirkus to write a favorable book review.
Professional Escort. If going on dates and sleepovers is more appealing to you than killing or stealing, then this is likely the best job for you on the list. Escorts can earn $15K-$30K a month just by accompanying lonely rich people to parties, social events and private sex dungeons a few times a week. Good money, plenty of free time to write, and, if you decide to write about your actual experiences, the chance to blow the shitty Fifty Shades of Grey out of the water in the erotica market. The only drawback is that escorting is legal in all 50 U.S. states, which means there’s no chance you’ll get to go on a prison-based writing retreat.
NOTE: I, myself, am currently considering getting a job in one of the fields mentioned above. The only other viable alternative is for you and everyone you know to buy my books.
ON HIS BEST DAYS, ZERO SLADE IS THE WORST MAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. HE HAS TO BE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE THE LOST GIRLS.