I often fantasize about having the power to change the fabric of reality through writing. Fixing the world through fiction. I’m not talking merely about writing a novel that inspires humans to do better and stop posting cat videos. I’m talking about creating true magic with words, where what’s written on the page actually happens – instantly… or at least after a little sober editing. I certainly wouldn’t want reality duplicating something I wrote right after my fourth whiskey.
We’ve all at some point privately played the “If I could snap my fingers” game. What I’m describing is sort of the literary equivalent – thinking about what the world needs, or, more importantly, what I really want, then tapping it out on the keyboard to make it so. Oh, the problems I could solve. The peace I could achieve. The millions I could make.
So, what exactly would I write about if I were suddenly bestowed with the power to dictate reality via fiction? The following five novels would be tops on my to-do list:
1) Hands Free. A global virus destroys all cell phones and tablets, and forces human beings to relearn how to engage with the people sitting three feet away from them, as well as how to accelerate immediately after a traffic light turns green. Naturally, many people struggle to adjust, creating a huge opportunity for the homeless and the Amish, who end up getting filthy rich consulting to the general public on how to survive without personal digital devices.
2) Alla We Need Is Love. During a peace summit in Jerusalem, leaders from all factions of Islam, Judaism and Christianity realize they have a lot in common when a lunch of hummus, couscous, tabouli and falafel is served and everyone asks for seconds. Soon, everybody at the summit is eating and drinking and laughing together – poking fun at themselves and how much time and energy they’ve wasted trying to totally annihilate one another. It then dawns on them that they should band together and go after the North Koreans, as well as anyone anywhere who changes lanes or turns without signaling.
3) Disarmed. A giant meteor crashes into the middle of the US, killing no one but sending shock waves that alter the entire country’s collective brain chemistry and love of guns. The strange effects are noticed immediately after the meteor’s impact, as NRA members, violent criminals and public school students all suddenly lose interest in shooting anything or anyone and instead become obsessed with art, literature, philanthropy and Sudoku.
4) Scripture This. Jesus returns to earth in his spaceship to school his modern-day “devout” followers on the true meaning of his teachings. Unfortunately, his spaceship lands smack dab in the middle of The Bible Belt, where a mob of Evangelicals assume he is just a homeless terrorist based on his appearance and thus try to kill him. This pisses Jesus off. Instead of him following through with his plan to calmly show the people how to be more loving, forgiving, gentle, charitable and humble, he opens up a god-like can of whoop-ass – setting fire to all the stadium-sized mega-churches in the region and afflicting all the hate-mongering racists and homophobes with a super-strain of syphilis. Before departing, he creates a new bumper sticker that quickly becomes all the rage: “What would Jesus do? Now you know, biatch.”
5) The New Ballers. Soon after the first female President of the Unite States is elected, she flashes Congress her breasts to distract them while she enacts a law prohibiting any professional athlete from earning more than $40,000 a year. The billions of dollars this frees up is then split evenly among teachers, social workers, farmers, nurses, non-profit employees, stay-at-home parents, and, of course, authors.
Which of the above titles would you be most likely to read? Which one(s) would you be most likely to burn? Which one(s) just got me uninvited to Christmas dinner? Share in the ‘Comments’ section below.
We’ve all at some point privately played the “If I could snap my fingers” game. What I’m describing is sort of the literary equivalent – thinking about what the world needs, or, more importantly, what I really want, then tapping it out on the keyboard to make it so. Oh, the problems I could solve. The peace I could achieve. The millions I could make.
So, what exactly would I write about if I were suddenly bestowed with the power to dictate reality via fiction? The following five novels would be tops on my to-do list:
1) Hands Free. A global virus destroys all cell phones and tablets, and forces human beings to relearn how to engage with the people sitting three feet away from them, as well as how to accelerate immediately after a traffic light turns green. Naturally, many people struggle to adjust, creating a huge opportunity for the homeless and the Amish, who end up getting filthy rich consulting to the general public on how to survive without personal digital devices.
2) Alla We Need Is Love. During a peace summit in Jerusalem, leaders from all factions of Islam, Judaism and Christianity realize they have a lot in common when a lunch of hummus, couscous, tabouli and falafel is served and everyone asks for seconds. Soon, everybody at the summit is eating and drinking and laughing together – poking fun at themselves and how much time and energy they’ve wasted trying to totally annihilate one another. It then dawns on them that they should band together and go after the North Koreans, as well as anyone anywhere who changes lanes or turns without signaling.
3) Disarmed. A giant meteor crashes into the middle of the US, killing no one but sending shock waves that alter the entire country’s collective brain chemistry and love of guns. The strange effects are noticed immediately after the meteor’s impact, as NRA members, violent criminals and public school students all suddenly lose interest in shooting anything or anyone and instead become obsessed with art, literature, philanthropy and Sudoku.
4) Scripture This. Jesus returns to earth in his spaceship to school his modern-day “devout” followers on the true meaning of his teachings. Unfortunately, his spaceship lands smack dab in the middle of The Bible Belt, where a mob of Evangelicals assume he is just a homeless terrorist based on his appearance and thus try to kill him. This pisses Jesus off. Instead of him following through with his plan to calmly show the people how to be more loving, forgiving, gentle, charitable and humble, he opens up a god-like can of whoop-ass – setting fire to all the stadium-sized mega-churches in the region and afflicting all the hate-mongering racists and homophobes with a super-strain of syphilis. Before departing, he creates a new bumper sticker that quickly becomes all the rage: “What would Jesus do? Now you know, biatch.”
5) The New Ballers. Soon after the first female President of the Unite States is elected, she flashes Congress her breasts to distract them while she enacts a law prohibiting any professional athlete from earning more than $40,000 a year. The billions of dollars this frees up is then split evenly among teachers, social workers, farmers, nurses, non-profit employees, stay-at-home parents, and, of course, authors.
Which of the above titles would you be most likely to read? Which one(s) would you be most likely to burn? Which one(s) just got me uninvited to Christmas dinner? Share in the ‘Comments’ section below.
