I’m as big a sucker for Christmas and the holidays as the next guy. Maybe even bigger. Just ask the neighbors in my apartment building here in Sydney—they’ll confirm I’ve been listening and singing along to carols since, like, August. (I’m surely the only Jew on the planet to do so.) Still, as much as l love getting caught up in the merriment and joy and love so prevalent this time of year, sometimes I can’t keep my criminal mind from wandering over to the dark side during the holiday season.
The good news is I’ve managed to curb my more sinister side enough to keep me from writing an entire novel featuring Christmastime crime and murder. The bad news is I couldn’t stop myself from taking a beloved Christmas carol and turning it into a tale of thievery and revenge.
I’m sorry and you’re welcome.
Santa Claus Is Robbing the Town
You better watch out
You better not snitch
The last guy who did is dead in a ditch
Santa Claus is robbing the town
He’s making a list
He’s checking it twice
He’s pulling off one huge holiday heist
Santa Claus is robbing the town
He sees you when you’re sleeping
And he knows when you’re awake
He’s pissed you don’t believe in him
So your life is now at stake
Hey!
You better watch out
You better not try
To call the damn cops or you’re gonna die
Santa Claus is robbing the town
He sees you when you’re sleeping
And he knows when you’re awake
He says if you stand in his way
He’ll bury you by the lake.
Yay!
You better watch out
You better give thanks
Santa just came to rob houses and banks
Santa Claus is robbing the town!
BONUSCAROL!
(I had planned on writing/posting just one cri-fi carol, but hey, Christmas is a time for giving… readers serious concerns about my mental stability.)
Frosty the Hitman
Frosty the hitman
Was a deadly, icy pro
With his chilly name and his killer aim
Frosty made a lot of dough
Frosty the hitman
Is a fairytale they say
But I know the truth—damn the man could shoot
And he’d take your life for pay
There must have been some magic in that rifle scope he used
For even from 500 yards every bullet would come through
Oh!
Frosty the hitman
Knew the Feds were on his tail
So he took his gun and went on the run
Cause he knew he’d melt in jail
Frosty the hitman
Had a blast while off he sped
But the cops were fast and they shot his ass
Frosty’s snow could not stop lead.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL, AND TO ALL
A GOOD HEIST!
*No beloved giant elves or snowmen were harmed in the making of these carols
ON HIS BEST DAYS, ZERO SLADE IS THE WORST MAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. HE HAS TO BE. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE THE LOST GIRLS.
