As an author of dark fiction, I’ve learned a thing or three about how to cleverly and discreetly kill a person. I’ve written about these things in vivid detail for public consumption. I'm in the midst of writing my third novel, and I’m already responsible for nearly two dozen murders in it. And in my last book, The Exit Man, even more people than that died at my writing hand.
If anything ever were to happen to my beloved wife or beautiful daughter or loving parents or a close friend, and foul play was suspected, I would be absolutely devastated. I’d likely also be a prime suspect, especially if the real culprit did a bang-up job and left behind no evidence.
Many people who’ve read The Exit Man (oh just let me pretend many people have read it) have joked with my wife, saying things like, “I hope Greg knows that if you die, the cops will be coming after him.” Don’t worry, I know. I’ve even thought about sending a copy of the novel to the police with a note stating, “This is a work of fiction. Any homicide that may occur to anyone I know and that resembles a homicide in this or any other book I write is purely coincidental and highly unfortunate.” You know, a sort of preemptive strike proclaiming my innocence.
Some may wonder, based on my penchant for transgressive fiction, if I really am all that innocent. Why am I constantly hunting people down and rubbing them out on the written page? Is that not a sign of a potentially dangerous man? No, it’s not. It’s the sign of a man who lacks the bravado and resolve to perform the same dastardly acts he has his imaginary friends carry out. I keep telling my wife that, but it doesn’t stop her from occasionally sleeping in the other room.
I realize I have only myself and my muse to blame for my predicament, but that won’t stop me from asking for a little mercy. If you are reading this and are even the slightest bit homicidal, I kindly ask that you leave my friends and loved ones alone. I just don’t think I could handle both the emotional devastation AND the legal hassle, not to mention the potential damage to my reputation as a writer of fiction. In fact, if you feel you simply have to commit murder, please don’t do it anywhere near me or anyone I know – just to be on the safe side.
If anything ever were to happen to my beloved wife or beautiful daughter or loving parents or a close friend, and foul play was suspected, I would be absolutely devastated. I’d likely also be a prime suspect, especially if the real culprit did a bang-up job and left behind no evidence.
Many people who’ve read The Exit Man (oh just let me pretend many people have read it) have joked with my wife, saying things like, “I hope Greg knows that if you die, the cops will be coming after him.” Don’t worry, I know. I’ve even thought about sending a copy of the novel to the police with a note stating, “This is a work of fiction. Any homicide that may occur to anyone I know and that resembles a homicide in this or any other book I write is purely coincidental and highly unfortunate.” You know, a sort of preemptive strike proclaiming my innocence.
Some may wonder, based on my penchant for transgressive fiction, if I really am all that innocent. Why am I constantly hunting people down and rubbing them out on the written page? Is that not a sign of a potentially dangerous man? No, it’s not. It’s the sign of a man who lacks the bravado and resolve to perform the same dastardly acts he has his imaginary friends carry out. I keep telling my wife that, but it doesn’t stop her from occasionally sleeping in the other room.
I realize I have only myself and my muse to blame for my predicament, but that won’t stop me from asking for a little mercy. If you are reading this and are even the slightest bit homicidal, I kindly ask that you leave my friends and loved ones alone. I just don’t think I could handle both the emotional devastation AND the legal hassle, not to mention the potential damage to my reputation as a writer of fiction. In fact, if you feel you simply have to commit murder, please don’t do it anywhere near me or anyone I know – just to be on the safe side.
