As a writer, nothing scares me more than being unoriginal. Death comes in a close second. So you can imagine how frightened I am of dying an unoriginal death.
I try not to think too much about death – unless I’m awake. When I do, I like to fantasize about the most honorable and worthwhile ways for a writer to go out. I’m dying to share them with you:
Getting trampled by obsessed fans at a book signing. Painful and possibly bloody, yes, but what a way to finish – knowing you were violently adored by your readers. Ideally, the writer would be in their eighties or nineties when the trampling occurs. That way there would be less suffering not only for the writer (due to their already diminished physical condition), but also for the fans, who could take solace in the fact they didn’t cut short a brilliant and burgeoning career. For example, it would be sort of cool if Tom Wolfe (85 years old next week) got trampled by fans during a book signing, but rather lamentable if Gillian Flynn (45 years old) did.
Suffering a heart attack from the excitement of having just written the final line of a great (or even just a good) novel. Can you say “guaranteed best seller?” That’s what a writer who perished in this manner would have on their cold, dead hands. Sure, as the recently deceased writer, it would suck to not be able to experience the hype and hoopla surrounding the book, but then there wouldn’t be said hype and hoopla without the aforementioned dying. In order to achieve the level of fame we’re talking about here, a perfectly timed death is just something the writer would have to live with.
Spontaneously combusting during a bout of excessive creativity. There’s nothing like being in the “writing zone,” where all your synapses are firing and every sentence pouring onto the page is a diamond. The trouble is it’s impossible to remain in the zone for more than a few hours, and the fall from such dizzying artistic heights is painful. What writer wouldn’t love to suddenly burst into a ball of flames before such a plummet could occur? To literally blow up from the blistering heat of their own words and imagination. I’m not saying I’ve ever approached 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s cremation hot) while writing, but I have purchased a fire-retardant laptop just in case. I mean, what a shame it would be to lose whatever I was working on at the time of combustion.
Dying of shock after receiving an acceptance notice from a literary agent. It’s getting harder and harder to land a lit agent these days, so getting an acceptance notice from one is a huge deal worthy of celebration and cardiac arrest. For most writers, everything that comes after finding an agent is anticlimactic – a lackluster publishing deal, disappointing sales, a forgotten book – so they shouldn’t feel bad at all if they die right after finding out they’ve found representation. It’s going out on a high note.
Getting murdered by a fan furious over the fact you killed off one of their favorite characters. This may not seem like the most original one on the list due to Stephen King’s Misery, but Misery was just fiction (not to mention the writer in the story was able to avoid being killed). In real life, if your writing is so infectious it compels a reader to go all Kathy Bates on you, it means you have achieved the status of master storyteller, and your death will be the envy of all authors. (Or it may just mean your books attract complete whackjobs, which is still pretty cool.)
Getting murdered by a famous author jealous of your sudden emergence. As a writer, the only thing better than getting killed by a fan is getting killed by one of your favorite authors. It means you’ve made it. Famous writers like to act supportive of newbies, but if they see a talented up-and-comer blast onto the scene and threaten their stronghold on the bestseller list, there will be blood. Or at least there should be. Cold-blooded competition and murder would make the literary world a lot more interesting to the general public. It would also be a great way for emerging writers to meet famous authors. Right now Chuck Palahniuk won’t even respond to my Facebook messages, but I bet once my Amazon ranking starts to creep up on his, he’ll be challenging me to a death match in an underground fight club somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. And that’s just the kind of demise I need to REALLY kick my career into high gear.
What do YOU think is a great way for a writer to die? Or if that makes you uncomfortable, what do you think is an AWFUL way for a writer to die? Remember, there is no wrong answer.
I try not to think too much about death – unless I’m awake. When I do, I like to fantasize about the most honorable and worthwhile ways for a writer to go out. I’m dying to share them with you:
Getting trampled by obsessed fans at a book signing. Painful and possibly bloody, yes, but what a way to finish – knowing you were violently adored by your readers. Ideally, the writer would be in their eighties or nineties when the trampling occurs. That way there would be less suffering not only for the writer (due to their already diminished physical condition), but also for the fans, who could take solace in the fact they didn’t cut short a brilliant and burgeoning career. For example, it would be sort of cool if Tom Wolfe (85 years old next week) got trampled by fans during a book signing, but rather lamentable if Gillian Flynn (45 years old) did.
Suffering a heart attack from the excitement of having just written the final line of a great (or even just a good) novel. Can you say “guaranteed best seller?” That’s what a writer who perished in this manner would have on their cold, dead hands. Sure, as the recently deceased writer, it would suck to not be able to experience the hype and hoopla surrounding the book, but then there wouldn’t be said hype and hoopla without the aforementioned dying. In order to achieve the level of fame we’re talking about here, a perfectly timed death is just something the writer would have to live with.
Spontaneously combusting during a bout of excessive creativity. There’s nothing like being in the “writing zone,” where all your synapses are firing and every sentence pouring onto the page is a diamond. The trouble is it’s impossible to remain in the zone for more than a few hours, and the fall from such dizzying artistic heights is painful. What writer wouldn’t love to suddenly burst into a ball of flames before such a plummet could occur? To literally blow up from the blistering heat of their own words and imagination. I’m not saying I’ve ever approached 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s cremation hot) while writing, but I have purchased a fire-retardant laptop just in case. I mean, what a shame it would be to lose whatever I was working on at the time of combustion.
Dying of shock after receiving an acceptance notice from a literary agent. It’s getting harder and harder to land a lit agent these days, so getting an acceptance notice from one is a huge deal worthy of celebration and cardiac arrest. For most writers, everything that comes after finding an agent is anticlimactic – a lackluster publishing deal, disappointing sales, a forgotten book – so they shouldn’t feel bad at all if they die right after finding out they’ve found representation. It’s going out on a high note.
Getting murdered by a fan furious over the fact you killed off one of their favorite characters. This may not seem like the most original one on the list due to Stephen King’s Misery, but Misery was just fiction (not to mention the writer in the story was able to avoid being killed). In real life, if your writing is so infectious it compels a reader to go all Kathy Bates on you, it means you have achieved the status of master storyteller, and your death will be the envy of all authors. (Or it may just mean your books attract complete whackjobs, which is still pretty cool.)
Getting murdered by a famous author jealous of your sudden emergence. As a writer, the only thing better than getting killed by a fan is getting killed by one of your favorite authors. It means you’ve made it. Famous writers like to act supportive of newbies, but if they see a talented up-and-comer blast onto the scene and threaten their stronghold on the bestseller list, there will be blood. Or at least there should be. Cold-blooded competition and murder would make the literary world a lot more interesting to the general public. It would also be a great way for emerging writers to meet famous authors. Right now Chuck Palahniuk won’t even respond to my Facebook messages, but I bet once my Amazon ranking starts to creep up on his, he’ll be challenging me to a death match in an underground fight club somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. And that’s just the kind of demise I need to REALLY kick my career into high gear.
What do YOU think is a great way for a writer to die? Or if that makes you uncomfortable, what do you think is an AWFUL way for a writer to die? Remember, there is no wrong answer.
