While it’s recommended the general public avoid engaging in discourse with fiction writers (for safety reasons), it simply isn’t possible to avoid all interactions with them—especially since so many fiction writers today are working as waiters and telemarketers.
In the event you find yourself face-to-face or phone-to-phone with a fiction writer, the most important thing to remember is he or she is full of shit. Fiction writers’ entire lives are built on a foundation of fantasy and fabrications. However, that doesn’t mean your conversations with them can’t be rich and meaningful. To help you, I’ve put together an FWTG (or “Fiction Writer Translation Guide” for those of you who aren’t familiar with the acronym I just made up). The FWTG contains a list of common phrases used by fiction writers in everyday conversation, along with what these writers really mean when they use them.
Following are a few excerpts from the FWTG, the full version of which is due out never.
"I'm an author."
Translation: “Ask me about my book(s), then go buy my book(s).”
"I'm an indie author."
Translation: “I've been rejected by over 100 literary agents. Still, you should go buy my self-published book(s).”
“I’m a full-time author.”
Translation: “I have a trust fund, so it doesn’t really matter if you buy my books.”
"I'm really excited about this new novel I'm working on."
Translation: “I've got a killer title and am just waiting for the rest to come to me."
"Sales of my novel have been steady."
Translation: “My mother got three members of her bridge club to buy my book last month.”
"I’m taking a little break from my manuscript to let the story ripen in my mind."
Translation: “I recently started binge-watching every show on Hulu and Netflix.”
"A few literary agents have shown interest in my manuscript."
Translation: “One agent sent me a personalized rejection note rather than just a form letter.”
"Hi, it's been a while—how have you been?"
Translation: “Have you bought my latest book yet?”
"Oh, you liked my book? That's very kind of you to say."
Translation: “Don't just tell me, write a review on Amazon.”
"Sorry, I won't be able to make it. I'll be working on my novel that night."
Translation: “I don’t really like you and would sooner lie about working on my novel than hang out with you.”
"People have compared my style to Hemingway's."
Translation: “I'm often drunk.”
"My latest book is going to be a best seller."
Translation: “I'm drunk right now.”
"I'm in between projects."
Translation: “I'm suffering from writer's block and am currently contemplating suicide, or getting a job in retail.”
“I wrote two thousand words today.”
Translation: “Tomorrow I’ll be deleting all the nonsense I typed today.”
“I have an award-winning novel.”
Translation: “I own a copy of ‘Life of Pi.”
“I’ve never really liked [name of mutual acquaintance].”
Translation: “I’m going to kill [name of mutual acquaintance] in my next book.”
“Writing is my life.”
Translation: “I’m severely lacking in social skills.”
That’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed the above post. Feel free to wander around the rest of my website. (Translation: “I need a drink. If you didn’t laugh out loud while reading this piece, there’s something wrong with you. Now go buy my book before I come after you.”)
In the event you find yourself face-to-face or phone-to-phone with a fiction writer, the most important thing to remember is he or she is full of shit. Fiction writers’ entire lives are built on a foundation of fantasy and fabrications. However, that doesn’t mean your conversations with them can’t be rich and meaningful. To help you, I’ve put together an FWTG (or “Fiction Writer Translation Guide” for those of you who aren’t familiar with the acronym I just made up). The FWTG contains a list of common phrases used by fiction writers in everyday conversation, along with what these writers really mean when they use them.
Following are a few excerpts from the FWTG, the full version of which is due out never.
"I'm an author."
Translation: “Ask me about my book(s), then go buy my book(s).”
"I'm an indie author."
Translation: “I've been rejected by over 100 literary agents. Still, you should go buy my self-published book(s).”
“I’m a full-time author.”
Translation: “I have a trust fund, so it doesn’t really matter if you buy my books.”
"I'm really excited about this new novel I'm working on."
Translation: “I've got a killer title and am just waiting for the rest to come to me."
"Sales of my novel have been steady."
Translation: “My mother got three members of her bridge club to buy my book last month.”
"I’m taking a little break from my manuscript to let the story ripen in my mind."
Translation: “I recently started binge-watching every show on Hulu and Netflix.”
"A few literary agents have shown interest in my manuscript."
Translation: “One agent sent me a personalized rejection note rather than just a form letter.”
"Hi, it's been a while—how have you been?"
Translation: “Have you bought my latest book yet?”
"Oh, you liked my book? That's very kind of you to say."
Translation: “Don't just tell me, write a review on Amazon.”
"Sorry, I won't be able to make it. I'll be working on my novel that night."
Translation: “I don’t really like you and would sooner lie about working on my novel than hang out with you.”
"People have compared my style to Hemingway's."
Translation: “I'm often drunk.”
"My latest book is going to be a best seller."
Translation: “I'm drunk right now.”
"I'm in between projects."
Translation: “I'm suffering from writer's block and am currently contemplating suicide, or getting a job in retail.”
“I wrote two thousand words today.”
Translation: “Tomorrow I’ll be deleting all the nonsense I typed today.”
“I have an award-winning novel.”
Translation: “I own a copy of ‘Life of Pi.”
“I’ve never really liked [name of mutual acquaintance].”
Translation: “I’m going to kill [name of mutual acquaintance] in my next book.”
“Writing is my life.”
Translation: “I’m severely lacking in social skills.”
That’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed the above post. Feel free to wander around the rest of my website. (Translation: “I need a drink. If you didn’t laugh out loud while reading this piece, there’s something wrong with you. Now go buy my book before I come after you.”)
