This poem is dedicated to all the authors who have decided to eschew the traditional publishing channels in order to create, publish and market a book on their own terms – and keep the lion’s share of the earnings. It’s also for all the authors who had no other choice but to self-publish because all the literary agents and publishing houses laughed in their manuscript’s face.
You work without an agent and you work without a ‘house’
Your book was edited by friends, your sister and your spouse
You chose the cover of the book; in fact, you helped design it
A couple dozen fans have even asked if you could sign it
The team in charge of marketing consists of you alone
Better you than someone who is just a corporate drone
A corporate drone will push your book for just a couple weeks
And once the sales begin to slow, it’s chucked upon a heap
When you go the indie route, great sales can come in waves
If you play the social game and tweet and blog and rave
Get in the news and good reviews and you just might take off, sir
But if it’s riches that you’re after, why become an author?
Signing with an agent or a house won’t make you great.
They are just the entities that like to guard the gate
But times they are a changin’, and in order to go far
No longer do you have to kiss the ass of any guard.
What you have to do is write – often and superbly
If you tell me otherwise, you’ll certainly perturb me
And you don’t want to do that, see, cause I’ll give you the hook
Remember I’m a writer, too – I’ll kill you in a book
Ode to the indie author – I celebrate your spirit
I celebrate your novel, too, although might not go near it
Your book may be unreadable, but I respect your pluck
But really, here’s to indie scribes whose books don’t even suck.
This is the moment I have fooled myself into thinking you’ve all been waiting for…
…my new dark comic suspense novel, The Exit Man,is NOW AVAILABLE!
Once you stop trembling from joy and excitement over this news, I hope you’ll go and order a copy on Amazon. For those of you who love the smell of books and the sting of papercuts, you can order the paperback edition. And for you e-book junkies, there's the Kindle edition. (The novel will be available in various other e-book formats – Nook, Kobo, et. al. – very soon.)
Don’t know what The Exit Man is about? Find out here.
Need a little more convincing before buying the book? Call my mother… and/or read some excerpts and reader testimonials. You can also join my mailing list to immediately receive a free copy of Chapter 1 of The Exit Man.
If – I mean when – you order a copy, be sure to later write a review of the book on the aforementioned Amazon page, as well as on Goodreads. (Unless you end up disliking the book, in which case just forget I said anything. Forget you read anything.)
My love of dark comedy started at a very young age – likely ignited by watching my two older brothers punch one another in the face. Funny stuff. As I grew up, I’d often find myself laughing in places and at things that typically disturb more well-adjusted people. Hospitals. Funerals. Public education.
After I learned to read… correction… after I learned to LIKE to read – which didn’t happen until after college – it’s hardly surprising that I found myself drawn to books brimming with black humor. I’d even laugh while reading books that were dark but not at all intended to be funny. For instance, I found Dostoyevsky’s Notes From Underground to be a riot. And Kafka’s The Trial made me almost pee my pants.
There’s a fine line between humor and horror, laughing and lamenting, funny and frightening.
Following are my 10 favorite dark comic novels, along with my two favorite lines from each:
1) Fight Club (by Chuck Palahniuk) A stunningly original tale of a young corporate insomniac whose life changes completely after befriending an enigmatic soap salesman who hosts underground fighting matches in bar basements. You’ve seen the movie – it’s good. Read the book (if you haven’t already) – it’s brilliant. Just don’t talk about it – that’s the first rule… and the second rule. I just broke both.
Favorite lines “At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.”
“On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”
2) Lolita (by Vladimir Nabokov) As haunting and perverse as it is hilarious and tender, this was the first book that had me fully rooting for a character who, if I ever met in person, I would punch in the face before reporting him to the authorities.
Favorite lines “You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style.”
“I knew I had fallen in love with Lolita forever; but I also knew she would not be forever Lolita.”
3) White Noise (by Don DeLillo) White Noise is (mostly) about an “airborne toxic event” that forces a college professor and his family – along with the rest of his idyllic town – to evacuate and cope with the chaotic aftermath. Myself having experienced first hand the nuclear meltdown at Three Mile Island in 1978 (my elementary school class was on a field trip in Harrisburg, Pa., that day), this grim yet funny book really hit home. Yes, I’m allowed to write run-on sentences about books that moved me.
Favorite lines “I've got death inside me. It's just a question of whether or not I can outlive it.”
“California deserves whatever it gets. Californians invented the concept of life-style. This alone warrants their doom.”
4) Survivor (by Chuck Palahniuk) A book featuring a death cult, an imminent plane crash, and lots of steroids and collagen – how could it NOT be funny? It’s a brazen piss-take of fame, organized religion and just modern life in general. The chapters and pages are numbered backwards – beginning with Chapter 47 on page 289 and ending with page 1 of Chapter 1. Mr. Palahniuk is a madman. I want his autograph.
Favorite lines “It's only in drugs or death we'll see anything new, and death is just too controlling.”
“People used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were too scared of being alone.”
5) Slaughterhouse-Five (by Kurt Vonnegut) Any one of Vonnegut’s novels are deserving of a spot here, but I went with Slaughterhouse-Five because Wikipedia told me it is his most influential and popular work, and I don’t question Wikipedia. The book is a combination World War II satire and absurdist sci-fi time-travel tale that leaves you laughing and crying simultaneously, assuming you are alive when reading it. It’s also Vonnegut’s most personal book: It centers on an actual historic event that he himself lived through as a soldier – the infamous firebombing of Dresden.
Favorite lines “And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.”
“How nice -- to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.”
6) American Psycho (by Bret Easton Ellis) Readers should be arrested and locked away for enjoying this sick, twisted and unflinchingly violent novel. But that will never happen, as there simply isn’t enough space in the world’s prisons to accommodate everyone. Whatever you do, DON’T read it. But do.
Favorite lines “I'm into, oh murders and executions mostly. It depends.”
“Disintegration – I'm taking it in stride.”
7) Catch-22 (by Joseph Heller) Hands down the funniest novel about war ever written – and one of the funniest novels period. At the heart of the book is an American bombardier named John Yossarian, who, along with his fellow airmen, are forced to continue flying an ever-increasing number of perilous missions assigned by their callous colonel. That such comedy can come from such terror and chaos is fascinating. And confusing. I need to go lie down now.
Favorite lines “Be glad you're even alive. Be furious you're going to die.”
“The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him.”
8) Rant (by Chuck Palahniuk) No, Chuck Palahniuk’s publicist is not paying me anything. I realize that featuring in my list three books from a single author is a bit much, but Mr. Palahniuk is a modern master of dark comic fiction, and if you disagree, I’ll fight you in a bar basement. Rant tells the story of Rant Casey – a small-town high school rebel with a thing for getting bitten by rabid and poisonous creatures, destroying things during urban demolition derbies, and killing lots and lots of people. I believe it’s ranked dead last on the list of “Quaintest Books Ever Written.” You’ll laugh and have nightmares – often simultaneously.
Favorite lines “In a world where billions believe their deity conceived a mortal child with a virgin human, it's stunning how little imagination most people display.”
“What if reality is nothing but some disease?”
9) Hope: A Tragedy (by Shalom Auslander) You’ve probably never heard of this novel (or this author), but any book that features Anne Frank as one of its main characters AND makes you laugh out loud on every page is certainly deserving of a spot on this list. (By the way, in this tale, Ms. Frank survived the Holocaust and is living in the attic of a modern-day family’s farmhouse in rural New York.) Hope constantly shifts gears between uproarious and touching, irreverent and heroic. I actually applauded when I finished reading the last page. And then I apologized to my copy of The Diary of Anne Frank.
Favorite lines “It’s a lot easier to stay alive in this world if everyone thinks you’re dead.”
“Hiding from genocide inside a Jew's attic… is like hiding from a lion inside a gazelle.”
10)The Exit Man (by Greg Levin) I know, I’m just as surprised as you are to find my own upcoming book listed among some of the greatest dark comic novels ever written. My parents must be very proud. In case you didn’t already know it, The Exit Man tells the story of a party supply storeowner who leads a secret double life as a euthanasia specialist. Think Dexter meets Dr. Kevorkian.
Favorite lines “Suicide should come with a warning label: ‘Don’t try this alone.’”
“After a year or so of helping people die, I was really starting to reach my full potential as a person.”
[UPDATE: Those of you who are itching to buy The Exit Man (Mom, Dad), I’m afraid you’ll have to wait just a little longer than expected. While the book is 100% written and edited, there have been some slight delays in the production process. So, instead of a late spring release, we’re looking at an early summer one. Sorry to keep you hanging, but I promise it will be worth the wait!]
There are plenty of feel-good quotes intended to inspire writers to fully embrace the craft and to dream and create and succeed.
Boooring.
I prefer quotes like this one from American science fiction writer John Scalzi:
"Engrave this in your brain: EVERY WRITER GETS REJECTED. You will be no different."
I have received my fair share of rejection letters from literary agents and publishers in my time as a writer. When I received my first few (back when I was pitching my debut novel, Notes on an Orange Burial) I became very discouraged and dispirited. After a while, however, I grew thicker skin. I also realized it wasn’t the agents’ and publishers’ fault that they were born without the ability to recognize latent literary brilliance. I just chalked it up to bad genetics. (Theirs, not mine.)
I even started to feel sorry for some of the agencies and publishing houses for lacking the wisdom and foresight to sign me. But I knew my pity wasn’t going to help them. So I decided to start rejecting their rejection letters with a rejection letter of my own.
Since I’m not a complete sociopath with a writing-career death wish, I never actually sent my “Rejection Letter for Rejecting a Rejection Letter” to any agents or publishers. However, I think it would be a lot of fun if you did so the next time you receive a rejection letter. (For those of you who aren’t writers, feel free to pass this post on to your friends or family members who are, or who think they are.)
And without further ado, here it is—the Rejection Letter for Rejecting a Rejection Letter:
Dear (name of agent or publisher),
Thank you very much for your recent rejection notification. Unfortunately, I am unable to accept your rejection at this time. Please understand I receive a high volume of rejection notifications and must be highly selective in choosing those I'm able to handle.
The acceptance of rejection notifications is a highly subjective process. The fact that I have decided to pass on your rejection in no way signifies your rejection is sub-par, and I encourage you to continue rejecting authors’ queries and submissions. Just because I have decided to pass on your rejection doesn’t mean there aren’t numerous other authors who’d be happy to be rejected by you.
I wish you the best of luck in your future rejection endeavors and want to thank you for allowing me to review your work.
Sincerely,
(Your name here. Or a made-up name—to ensure that you have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever having another agent or a publisher even THINK about accepting your manuscript.)
If you liked this post, you can join my mailing list to have all my future “Scrawl Space” blog posts delivered directly to your inbox. (Even if you DIDN’T like this post, I’ll still let you join—I’m open-minded like that.) By joining the list, you’ll also immediately receive a FREE ebook and the first three chapters of my new novel.
Whenever people ask what my upcoming novel – The Exit Man – is about and I tell them, “It’s about a party supply store owner who leads a double life as a euthanasia specialist, the response I often receive is, “You’re not well in the head.” Those who don’t nervously walk away from me then typically ask, “How did he get into that?”
Well, showing is always more interesting than telling. So, here’s an excerpt from Chapter 2 of the book to give you an idea of how my protagonist – Eli Edelmann – went from merely selling party supplies to facilitating final exits:
“You asked my father to kill you?” I asked Sgt. Rush, speaking in a hushed voice with my hand partially covering my mouth, even though we were alone in the shop.
“Sorry Eli – I should have handled that last part more subtly,” he said. “‘Kill’ is not the word. ‘Assist’ is much more accurate.”
“Assist? You were going to pay my father twenty grand to ‘assist’ you. With what, exactly?
“Stopping my cough.”
“What the… why?”
“C’mon Eli, look at me,” Sgt. Rush said just before unloading some more dust and dry phlegm into his handkerchief.
“What? You’re still a strong man… barely in your sixties. You used to get shot at by junkies and gang-bangers – surely you can hack a little emphysema?”
I was aware that I was severely understating his health condition, and that I had inadvertently issued a bad pun, but it was a very emotionally charged moment with little room for stronger arguments or better diction.
“Aw, Christ,” said Sgt. Rush, rolling his eyes. “Will you spare me the obligatory ‘You have everything to live for’ bullshit and just hear me out?”
“And why would you want to involve my father in this?”
“I’m getting to that, if you’d just close your mouth and open your ears for a second.”
“Sorry. I’m listening.”
Sgt. Rush cleared what was left of his throat, walked around to my side of the shop counter and sat down in the seat next to mine.
“First off, I’ve heard it all – hell I even used to say it all myself back when I was on the force: ‘Suicide is a cowardly act.’ ‘Suicide is selfish.’ Oh, and my favorite old chestnut, ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’ – well, not when you’re chronically ill with two diseases, one of which eats your mind.”
“Wait, what else do you have?”
“Alzheimer’s. Goddamn early-onset ‘SDAT’ – Senile Dementia of the Alzheimer Type, to be more specific.”
“Oh shit. I’m sorry, Sgt. Rush, I had no idea.”
“Yeah, apparently neither will I within the next few months. And as for being ‘cowardly’ and ‘selfish’, that’s just people getting angry and tossing out insults because they’re too afraid to admit that sometimes taking one’s own life makes sense.”
“Okay, but what are we supposed to say when a friend mentions suicide? ‘Hey, good idea, Bill – let me know how I can help.’”
“No, but people do need to try to see things from the perspective of those in anguish. Especially when a degenerative disease – or two – is involved. To NOT do so, that’s selfish.”
“I agree. But it’s one thing to respect one’s decision to die, it’s quite another to help them carry it out. It’s gruesome and, uh, highly illegal. Why wouldn’t you just do it yourself, like normal suicidal people do – not that I’m condoning it.”
“Okay, at least we’re moving past the platitudes now and into the more pressing questions.”
“Yes, pressing indeed. Why did you ask my father to help you kill yourself?”
“I came to your father for three reasons: First, it’s really fucking hard to follow through with the act of suicide if you aren’t insane, no matter how badly you want out. Secondly, I knew your father was the kind of man who would do almost anything for a friend. And finally, he had easy access to the type of equipment needed for the job.”
“What equipment?”
“Helium.”
“Helium? That’s just going to give you a squeaky voice.”
“I’m not talking about inhaling a few small balloons’ worth. I’m talking about inhaling a steady flow of the stuff, which is highly lethal and, when done right, one of the most painless ways to die.”
Sgt. Rush was grinning – actually grinning – as he delivered his macabre chemistry lesson.
“And best of all,” he continuted, “helium is nearly undetectable in toxicology reports.”
“Who cares? What, do they take away your pension for inert gas infractions? You’ll be dead.”
“You’re missing the point. If nobody finds any evidence of the helium – or anything else – in my system, it won’t be ruled a suicide. Remember, I’m a sick man – they’ll assume I died of ‘natural’ causes… with pride intact, and no life insurance coverage issues for my daughter to deal with.”
“What about the helium tank and whatever you plan on using to breathe the gas into your body? Won’t they find those items when...”
Cue the clicking sound in my head. It was at this moment that I came to fully understand what my father’s role was to be in the aforementioned arrangement.
“Ohhhh,” I said, nodding my head slowly and, for whatever reason, smiling.
“You’re a smart guy, Eli. I knew you’d catch on.”
(end of excerpt)
Would you read on? (If not, I’m in trouble – the book is done and will be out in just a few weeks!)
You can read a couple more excerpts from The Exit Man here, including the beginning of the opening chapter. And you can get the entire first chapter of the book (for free) simply by joining my mailing list. Enjoy!