Aside from the very low probability of financial success, the extreme isolation, the chronic back and neck problems, the continuous eye strain, and constantly getting pushed to the brink of insanity by words or the lack thereof, being an author is a blessing.
So in the spirit of Thanksgiving (or as it’s referred to by people in every country outside the United States – “Thursday”), here’s a list of the things I’m most thankful for as an author:
Discerning Human Resources professionals. I’ll be forever thankful for all the HR managers who had the good sense NOT to hire me for the various traditional office jobs I’ve applied for over the years. Were it not for those savvy professionals, I might have ended up in a nice office or large cubicle and with a handsome salary, thus destroying my creative spirit and interfering with my ability to struggle nobly to make rent.
My college Calculus professor. If I could remember that miserable professor’s name, I would contact him to thank him personally for killing my early love of math and setting me on a new path – one lined with letters and words rather than equations that filled me with the urge to cut myself… and class.
Spell check. I’m very thankful for spell check for catching the most glaring typos in my manuscripts and ensuring that editors, reviewers and readers think I’m much sharper than I actually am. But damn it, spell check, you need to find a way to catch not only completely misspelled words but also correctly spelled words that have no business being in a given sentence. C’mon, spell check, I know your butter than that – their is definitely room for improvement they’re.
The Interweb. Were it not for the World Wide Net, I wouldn’t be able to produce this blog, promote and sell my novels online, connect with readers and other writers via social sites, or send Chuck Palahniuk love letters via his author page.
My thesaurus. Having immediate access to a resource filled with synonyms helps make my stories seem more vibrant, dynamic, lively, spirited, electrifying, vivacious, zesty and zippy. Thank you , thank you, thank you, thesaurus – without you my life and writing would be shit, shite, crap, poop, excrement, dung, fecal matter and number two.
Print-on-demand (POD). Any indie author who isn’t thankful for print-on-demand technology is a jerk, a dolt, a fool, a twit, a bounder and an ingrate. (Thank you again, thesaurus.) POD enables indie scribes to make paperback versions of their book available without having to ask rich relatives for an early inheritance to pay the up-front printing costs for the thousands of copies they hope to sell but won’t.
Professional proofreaders/editors. As I alluded to earlier, I writer cannot live on spell check alone. Thank goodness for professional proofreaders and editors – with their fresh eyes and their ability to spot typos, grammar gaffes, redundancies, flat characters and terrible plot twists from a mile away. True, the good ones aren’t cheap, but as a writer you need to look at their fee as the cost of not coming off like a complete moron to the entire world – or at least to the six people who buy your book.
Cover designers. If I had to design my own book covers, readers would assume they were created by a third-grader with a learning disability or by a professional boxer. Some writers have a solid grasp of graphic design and illustration. Not I. Tasking me with a graphic design project is the same as tasking me with building a space shuttle. Thus, I thank the publishing gods every day for talented individuals for whom book cover design isn’t rocket science.
My family and friends. If it weren’t for my family, sales of my novels would be cut in half. I’m especially thankful for my wife, whose patience, encouragement and real job have enabled me to continue on my author path. I’m also very thankful for my daughter, who fuels my creativity and inspires me to sell more books so I can almost afford her private school. And of course, my friends, without whom I’d have a pitiful number of ‘likes’ on my Facebook author page.
Other authors. Whether it be the famed writers who’ve influenced and inspired me, or my colleagues who continue to fight the good fight despite what their bank account and the math behind book publishing and royalties tells them, I am sincerely thankful for other authors – just not those whose names rhyme with “C.L. Hames” or “Bephanie Dwyer.” Some people complain, “There are too many books out there,” and, “Everyone’s a writer these days.” True, but as a writer that’s great, as most of the books are awful and thus make your own works look readable. As for the “everyone’s a writer” remark, it’s better than “everyone’s a child molester” or “everyone’s a Kardashian.”
My readers. Last but certainly not least, a thousand thanks to my readers – that’s roughly 100 thanks per reader. Some writers claim they write simply because they love the craft and don’t really care if anyone actually reads their work. I’m not one of those writers. While I do love the craft, I also feel that writing without readers is like mumbling to yourself on a park bench or talking to my wife while she’s watching ‘Sex and the City’ reruns. I love knowing my words are being voluntarily absorbed and understood by other human beings. I love it even more if those words engage and entertain those human beings and compel them to tell other human beings, “You HAVE to read this guy’s stuff or we can’t be friends anymore.” Feel free to go do that now. I’d be very thankful.
Happy (early) Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it. Happy next Thursday to those who don’t.
So in the spirit of Thanksgiving (or as it’s referred to by people in every country outside the United States – “Thursday”), here’s a list of the things I’m most thankful for as an author:
Discerning Human Resources professionals. I’ll be forever thankful for all the HR managers who had the good sense NOT to hire me for the various traditional office jobs I’ve applied for over the years. Were it not for those savvy professionals, I might have ended up in a nice office or large cubicle and with a handsome salary, thus destroying my creative spirit and interfering with my ability to struggle nobly to make rent.
My college Calculus professor. If I could remember that miserable professor’s name, I would contact him to thank him personally for killing my early love of math and setting me on a new path – one lined with letters and words rather than equations that filled me with the urge to cut myself… and class.
Spell check. I’m very thankful for spell check for catching the most glaring typos in my manuscripts and ensuring that editors, reviewers and readers think I’m much sharper than I actually am. But damn it, spell check, you need to find a way to catch not only completely misspelled words but also correctly spelled words that have no business being in a given sentence. C’mon, spell check, I know your butter than that – their is definitely room for improvement they’re.
The Interweb. Were it not for the World Wide Net, I wouldn’t be able to produce this blog, promote and sell my novels online, connect with readers and other writers via social sites, or send Chuck Palahniuk love letters via his author page.
My thesaurus. Having immediate access to a resource filled with synonyms helps make my stories seem more vibrant, dynamic, lively, spirited, electrifying, vivacious, zesty and zippy. Thank you , thank you, thank you, thesaurus – without you my life and writing would be shit, shite, crap, poop, excrement, dung, fecal matter and number two.
Print-on-demand (POD). Any indie author who isn’t thankful for print-on-demand technology is a jerk, a dolt, a fool, a twit, a bounder and an ingrate. (Thank you again, thesaurus.) POD enables indie scribes to make paperback versions of their book available without having to ask rich relatives for an early inheritance to pay the up-front printing costs for the thousands of copies they hope to sell but won’t.
Professional proofreaders/editors. As I alluded to earlier, I writer cannot live on spell check alone. Thank goodness for professional proofreaders and editors – with their fresh eyes and their ability to spot typos, grammar gaffes, redundancies, flat characters and terrible plot twists from a mile away. True, the good ones aren’t cheap, but as a writer you need to look at their fee as the cost of not coming off like a complete moron to the entire world – or at least to the six people who buy your book.
Cover designers. If I had to design my own book covers, readers would assume they were created by a third-grader with a learning disability or by a professional boxer. Some writers have a solid grasp of graphic design and illustration. Not I. Tasking me with a graphic design project is the same as tasking me with building a space shuttle. Thus, I thank the publishing gods every day for talented individuals for whom book cover design isn’t rocket science.
My family and friends. If it weren’t for my family, sales of my novels would be cut in half. I’m especially thankful for my wife, whose patience, encouragement and real job have enabled me to continue on my author path. I’m also very thankful for my daughter, who fuels my creativity and inspires me to sell more books so I can almost afford her private school. And of course, my friends, without whom I’d have a pitiful number of ‘likes’ on my Facebook author page.
Other authors. Whether it be the famed writers who’ve influenced and inspired me, or my colleagues who continue to fight the good fight despite what their bank account and the math behind book publishing and royalties tells them, I am sincerely thankful for other authors – just not those whose names rhyme with “C.L. Hames” or “Bephanie Dwyer.” Some people complain, “There are too many books out there,” and, “Everyone’s a writer these days.” True, but as a writer that’s great, as most of the books are awful and thus make your own works look readable. As for the “everyone’s a writer” remark, it’s better than “everyone’s a child molester” or “everyone’s a Kardashian.”
My readers. Last but certainly not least, a thousand thanks to my readers – that’s roughly 100 thanks per reader. Some writers claim they write simply because they love the craft and don’t really care if anyone actually reads their work. I’m not one of those writers. While I do love the craft, I also feel that writing without readers is like mumbling to yourself on a park bench or talking to my wife while she’s watching ‘Sex and the City’ reruns. I love knowing my words are being voluntarily absorbed and understood by other human beings. I love it even more if those words engage and entertain those human beings and compel them to tell other human beings, “You HAVE to read this guy’s stuff or we can’t be friends anymore.” Feel free to go do that now. I’d be very thankful.
Happy (early) Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it. Happy next Thursday to those who don’t.
