Like every other white author in his mid-forties, I frequently feel compelled to rap. I used to do it live for friends and acquaintances – at parties, weddings, funerals, the supermarket – but I decided to stop after they all got together and begged me to during a recent intervention.
They never said anything about rapping in written form, though, so I’m assuming it’s allowed. (I got away with it in a previous blog post, anyway.)
And with that, I bring you my latest literary hip-hop concoction – a rap that Eminem himself likely would have written had he developed the same love of reading as he did for homophobia and misogyny.
“Without Reads” (to the tune of Eminem’s hit rap song, “Without Me”)
I’m as mad as a monster cause nobody wants to
read novels no more; they want TV, no hard fiction
You hate novels? Well, that’s gonna spark friction
I came here to rhyme, I didn’t come here to start bitchin’
A plot has got to get my eyes popping
like a shock by a doctor when my heart’s stopping
Cause I’m not really much for cooperating
with an author who plot’s not intoxicating
It’s taking too long, so stop debating
‘Fifty Shades’ isn’t shocking, it’s copulating
I know that you’re filthy rich, Ms. James
But Anaïs Nin puts your “lit” to shame
So now let’s just see who next to read
Selecting what’s next perplexes me
I thought about the latest novel by Palahniuk
It may not be his greatest novel – I still want it
So, go get a book for your Kobo or Nook,
or your Kindle
I don’t give a damn just go, look
Maybe even pay for a paperback
Nothing’s the same as some paper, Jack!
Now this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads
I said this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads
These illiterates, not reading even a little bit
Watching “Game of Thrones” and ignoring their little kids
Children start feeling like reading is worthless
These kids’ imagination pretty soon won’t be worth sh*t
We literary people are scary
Remaining immune to what’s polluting the airwaves
We’re rebels, so let me just revel and bask
in the fact that I am reading with a cat in my lap
It’s a disaster, such a catastrophe
for me to see nobody reading, just attached to screens
It’s enough for me to write a freaking rap and scream
Now let me hear you clapping – are you backing me?
“Testing, attention please”
Feel expansion the second that you get to read
Here’s my ten cents, my two cents you took
A nuisance, who sent, you sent for books?
Now this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads
I said this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads
Note: If you, like me, are dying to hear me perform this rap live, feel free to take me out for drinks. You won’t even have to make a request – after my third whiskey, the rapping will just happen naturally.
They never said anything about rapping in written form, though, so I’m assuming it’s allowed. (I got away with it in a previous blog post, anyway.)
And with that, I bring you my latest literary hip-hop concoction – a rap that Eminem himself likely would have written had he developed the same love of reading as he did for homophobia and misogyny.
“Without Reads” (to the tune of Eminem’s hit rap song, “Without Me”)
I’m as mad as a monster cause nobody wants to
read novels no more; they want TV, no hard fiction
You hate novels? Well, that’s gonna spark friction
I came here to rhyme, I didn’t come here to start bitchin’
A plot has got to get my eyes popping
like a shock by a doctor when my heart’s stopping
Cause I’m not really much for cooperating
with an author who plot’s not intoxicating
It’s taking too long, so stop debating
‘Fifty Shades’ isn’t shocking, it’s copulating
I know that you’re filthy rich, Ms. James
But Anaïs Nin puts your “lit” to shame
So now let’s just see who next to read
Selecting what’s next perplexes me
I thought about the latest novel by Palahniuk
It may not be his greatest novel – I still want it
So, go get a book for your Kobo or Nook,
or your Kindle
I don’t give a damn just go, look
Maybe even pay for a paperback
Nothing’s the same as some paper, Jack!
Now this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads
I said this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads
These illiterates, not reading even a little bit
Watching “Game of Thrones” and ignoring their little kids
Children start feeling like reading is worthless
These kids’ imagination pretty soon won’t be worth sh*t
We literary people are scary
Remaining immune to what’s polluting the airwaves
We’re rebels, so let me just revel and bask
in the fact that I am reading with a cat in my lap
It’s a disaster, such a catastrophe
for me to see nobody reading, just attached to screens
It’s enough for me to write a freaking rap and scream
Now let me hear you clapping – are you backing me?
“Testing, attention please”
Feel expansion the second that you get to read
Here’s my ten cents, my two cents you took
A nuisance, who sent, you sent for books?
Now this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads
I said this looks like a book for me
So everybody, this book I need
Cause I need a little escape, you see
Life would be so empty without reads
Note: If you, like me, are dying to hear me perform this rap live, feel free to take me out for drinks. You won’t even have to make a request – after my third whiskey, the rapping will just happen naturally.
