"Write People" Problems

Writers are just like everyone else. We put our pants on one leg at a time… the few times a year we’re forced to actually wear pants.
 
While there’s nothing really special about writers, there are some special issues and challenges writers face that functional people in society do not. I call these issues and challenges “‘write people’ problems.” Because I’m clever like that.
 
Below are a few of the most common “write people” problems I know of… first-hand, unfortunately. 
 
High pajama costs. Pajamas are designed for light activities like sleeping, eating breakfast, and crying over a break-up; they are not designed for all-day, everyday use. Since most writers take their pajamas off only for the occasional dinner out and, depending on their mood, for book signings, they have to replace them much more frequently than a normal human being does. The costs can get out of hand. And when you consider the average quarterly royalty check for a novelist is just $27 (less if they write important literary fiction), there’s very little money left over for bourbon and other essentials. Some writers have taken to working in the nude to reduce or eliminate their pajama costs, but for those who live in cooler climates, the savings are usually offset by increased heating bills.       
 
Driving under the influence, times two. Lots of people drive drunk, but only writers are at risk of driving drunk AND distracted by their characters or next book idea. It’s a disease, and a deadly combination – even more dangerous than driving on LSD or getting into a vehicle operated by a teenager with a smartphone. In some communities, concerned citizens have started chapters of EAWD – Everyone Against Writers Driving, forcing authors in those communities to rely solely on public transportation. On the upside, using public transportation is one of the best ways to get ideas for captivating murder and sex scenes.
 
Panic attacks while relaxing on vacation. If you’ve ever been to a tropical resort or on a luxury cruise and witnessed somebody hyperventilating and screaming while pulling their hair out, you’ve seen a writer on vacation. At the insistence of their spouse, significant other or therapist, many writers attempt to  “get away from it all” and go on a trip to take a break from their craft. But it’s like asking a fish to ride a camel. The result is invariably a lot of pain and suffering and flopping about in the sun. Please, if your loved one is a writer, don’t attempt to sweep them away to paradise or surprise them with the vacation of a lifetime. For chrissake, try to be more sensitive.    
 
Getting woken up in the middle of the night by fictional people. Underdeveloped characters can be real dicks. They don’t care if it’s two or three or four in the morning; if they’ve got something they want to say or do, they’re going to wake their writer’s ass up and make sure the writer lets them say or do it. Or they’ll at least keep the writer awake until a compromise can be reached. That’s why most of the writers you know usually look exhausted, unkempt and frazzled. That, and the fact that they’re on pace to break the Guinness Book of World Records for most rejections notices received in a month.       
 
Real friends and family not measuring up to imaginary ones. Despite their tendency to disrupt writers’ sleep and traffic safety, most fictional people are cool – far more compelling and interesting than real people. Thus, writers must contend with constantly being bored and disappointed by their friends and loved ones. True, there are some writers lucky enough to have actual serial killers or hit men or crime bosses or CIA agents or sorcerers in their family, but that is certainly not the norm. Unless the writer is from New Mexico.    
 
Keeping track of lies. Nobody fabricates more than fiction writers, with the possible exception of real estate agents and Norwegians. And while making sh*t up all the time is fun, keeping it all straight can be tedious. You try remembering the color and exact model of the car you said your protagonist drives back in Chapter 1 or how many siblings you said his mistress has or even what day of the week you claim your whole damn story even started. If even just one tidbit doesn’t line up with previous statements or descriptions, a writer can lose the trust of the reader forever – not that authors should ever really be trusted. They kill people and get away with it far too often.
 
 
One final “write people” problem I’d like to mention is the excessive need for external validation of their work. So, if you don’t mind, kindly leave a comment below expressing how much you loved this post or my novel. Sorry, I mean this post AND my novel.