22 Writing Rules I Created While Grumpy and Drunk

I used to have anger management issues. I say “used to” only because I’m writing this post a week before it goes live and have been told I need to think more positively about the future.

In addition to my chronic grumpiness, I also “used to” drink too much. The good news is I do some of my best thinking and writing while drinking, and always drink when I’m grumpy.

Point is, I could have just titled this post “22 Writing Rules I Created While Awake.” Actually, the real point is I recently created some writing rules. I think they could be useful for aspiring writers, or anyone who gets pleasure from the insanity of others.

Enjoy!  

1) Never use an exclamation point unless the scene you’re writing is about a broken traffic signal or putting a child to bed. 

2) Whenever you’re unsure of whether to end your novel with a line of dialogue or a line of narrative, just trash the whole manuscript and start writing an entirely different book.

3) Use semicolons like they’re going out of style. Forget what the writing “experts” say; what the hell do they know? Semicolons are cool. Just be sure you; know how to use them properly.  

4) Whenever you sense the pace of a scene is too slow, introduce a rabid llama into the story, or, at the very least, switch the POV of the story to that of a rabid llama.

5) Use ADHD as an excuse for everything wrong with your writing process and career—whether it’s your struggle to meet daily word-count goals or to fill gaping plot holes, or … look, squirrels!

6) Whenever someone asks why you don’t write more like [name of famous author], ask them what’s with the brackets and make fun of them for not being able to come up with the name of a single famous author.  

7) Having your novel stand out takes more than just writing a great story. It takes sneaking under police tape and placing a copy of the book next to a body. A good cover also helps. (Yes, I realize this isn’t exactly a rule—nor are some of the others—but keep in mind I’m grumpy and drunk and thus can’t be expected to clearly distinguish the difference between rules, guidelines and suggestions.)       

8) Keep dialogue tags simple. Try to stick with ‘she/he said’—except when the person speaking is dead, in which case use ‘he/she groaned like the wailing wind.’ (But only italicize the dialogue tags on odd-numbered pages. Don’t ask why. Just do it.)

9) Once you find you’re totally satisfied with every scene and chapter of your manuscript during the editing process, you’ve had too much to drink.

10) To write truly effective vampire erotica, don’t.

11) If you want to become a bigger writer, stand on several boxes of your unsold paperbacks.

12) Do whatever it takes to write 3,000 words each day. Even if it means scrawling “What’s the use?” a thousand times on the wall of your writing nook and spending all night removing paint and drywall from under your fingernails.

13) In writing workshops, never let negative feedback get you down, unless you’re the one receiving it.

14) Don’t think of it as writer’s block. Think of it as mindfulness meditation in front of a laptop—only without the slow, calm breathing or any feelings of inner peace.

15) You needn’t be a shut-in with no friends and a fevered mind to write a compelling novel. But it helps.

16) Write drunk. Edit sober. Look at book sales on psilocybin.

17) You may not earn a great living as a writer, but at least you won’t live up to your parents’ expectations.  

18) Whenever someone asks how you can write fiction considering what's happening in the real world, ask them how can they NOT.

19) Fight tooth and nail to protect your writing time. But just be aware your significant other will fight tooth and nail to protect their brunch plans—and might have much longer nails.

20) If you have trouble sleeping, feel out of touch with reality, and often hear voices in your head, congratulations! Most writers would kill for all that, so embrace your good fortune.  

21) Whenever someone leaves a negative comment on one of your blog posts, just laugh because the joke’s on them—nobody reads your blog.

22) Never be mean to readers or fellow writers. Save that sh*t for your characters. (The only exception is if a reader or fellow writer upsets you.)

Thanks for reading, or for at least skipping to the end before leaving. Please note that all of the above writing “rules” make for great tweets. I ask only that you credit me with a tag—and that you delete that tag if the tweet doesn’t get at least ten likes/retweets within the first thirty seconds.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m feeling grumpy and have been drinking, so it’s time to work on my novel.