It’s not uncommon for writers to spiral into madness. Less common, however, is to have such spiraling captured nice and neatly in a spiral-bound notebook.
A couple of months ago, a waitress at a café in Portland, Oregon, found a journal someone had accidentally left behind at one of her tables. The waitress had never before seen the customer who‘d been sitting at the table, and the journal contained no name or contact information inside. What it did contain were numerous entries from an aspiring author who’d been gradually losing his patience – and, ultimately, his marbles.
Following are several key excerpts from the journal, which, ironically enough, will soon be published by Harper Collins.
August 12, 2015: I’m so excited – I finally finished writing my debut novel! Will hire a professional editor to get the book in tip-top shape before I start submitting it to literary agents. To help pay for the editing services, I plan to work a few extra shifts at my job, and to sell my plasma and sperm on a weekly basis.
September 8, 2015: Got my manuscript back from the professional editor, who corrected a ton of typos and grammatical errors, provided a lot of feedback on how to improve the beginning, middle and end of the book as well as most of the characters and dialogue, and she recommended I consider a career working with numbers rather than words. She did say mine wasn’t the absolute worst manuscript she’s ever edited, and I told her I was very grateful for the compliment. As soon as I stop crying and cutting myself, I’ll get to work on the second draft.
October 17, 2015: After more than a month of revisions and amphetamine use, I feel my manuscript is ready to submit to agents! I can’t afford to pay for any more professional editing, but my mother read the new draft and said it’s one of the best novels by one of her children she’s ever read. Tomorrow I shall send query letters to ten of the top literary agents specializing in my genre. I can’t believe it – in just a few weeks I might have an agent! Or a substance abuse problem. Probably both.
October 18, 2015: Wow, that was fast. Already received my first rejection from an agent. While she opted not to represent me/my novel, she must really respect me and my time; otherwise she would have drawn out the rejection process for weeks or months, or perhaps ignored my query letter altogether. Such prompt communication is a hopeful sign! Granted, the rejection came in the form of an auto-response email featuring the words ‘DO NOT REPLY’ in the subject line, but still, I believe good things lie ahead! Now where did I leave my Vicodin and my razor blades…
October 23, 2015: Received two more rejections today, one from an agent I didn’t even query, which is strange. Feeling a bit down, but nothing a little electroshock therapy and Red Bull won’t be able to fix. I keep reminding myself that Robert Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was rejected 121 times before being published, and my manuscript features a much cooler font than his did.
October 29, 2015: There is a God! I received a request from an agent asking to see the first three chapters of my novel! I danced around the house naked for two hours. I then received a request from my neighbor asking that I close the blinds the next time I decide to dance.
November 8, 2015: Received two more form letter rejections, but what do I care? I’m practically signed already. I almost feel sorry for these foolish agents who are rejecting me now, as I can foresee the tremendous anguish and remorse they’ll each suffer once my novel explodes onto the bestseller list. It’ll be hard for any of them to bounce back from such an err in judgment, from such a missed opportunity. Just ask the guy who almost signed The Beatles or The Rolling Stones or The Wiggles.
November 17, 2015: It’s happening! The agent who requested the first three chapters a couple of weeks ago just asked me to send her the remainder of my manuscript. I drank a bottle of champagne and defiantly danced naked in the window facing my aforementioned neighbor’s house. Nobody tells this soon-to-be bestselling author what to do, not even the cops who are walking up my driveway right this moment.
November 18, 2015: Recovering nicely from the taser burns I suffered at the hands of the police yesterday. Thankfully no charges were made against me. The lead officer was kind enough to let me off with a warning after I promised to dedicate my upcoming bestseller to his German Shepherd.
December 1, 2015: There must have been some sort of a mix-up. Maybe it’s just a practical joke. Today I received a rejection notification from the agent who had requested my full manuscript. When I called her office to get to the bottom of this, they told me she was out to lunch – all 23 times I called. She has also yet to respond to any of the 27 emails I sent her since receiving the rejection a few hours ago. I can’t think straight. I can’t feel my legs. I can’t remember if any of my friends own a gun, or what the penalty is for kidnapping.
December 2, 2015: The reality of my recent rejection – when I was just inches away from literary fame and wealth – has just started to set in. So has the severe gastrointestinal distress from eating seven pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream with Diazepam sprinkles on top. After I induce vomiting, I think I’ll take a nice warm bath with the toaster. Oh, wait a sec, I think I see the mailman outside, and he appears to be smiling. Mailmen can sense good news inside of envelopes! I bet the three he just stuck in my mailbox are from agents dying to sign me!
December 2, 2015: Nope. Turns out the three envelopes were: 1) a credit card offer; 2) a warning from the electric company about my past due bills; and 3) another rejection notification from an agent. The plan now is to use the new credit card to pay the electric company as well as to buy a one-way plane ticket to New York City, where I will hand-deliver a basket full of dead rodents to each of the literary agencies that have spurned me. While in the city, I plan to also visit the Empire State Building and see who makes it down from the observation deck faster – me or my unpublished novel. See you in hell, everybody! (Assuming I don’t get rejected there, too.)
NOTE: You’ll be relieved to know there have been no recent reports of anyone jumping or attempting to jump from the top of the Empire State Building. That said, the body of a man with an Oregon ID was recently found on a bench in Central Park, lying next to a half-eaten manuscript.
I’ve always believed astrology to be totally bunk, but the stars and planets recently aligned in such a way as to compel me to create the following Horoscope for Fiction Writers:
Aquarius. You are progressive-minded, original and independent, which means you will produce brilliant works of fiction that earn you next to nothing. This is really a shame, too, as you are also a humanitarian and would have used much of your wealth to help those in need, like refugees, orphans and other Aquarius authors.
Pisces. Your artistic nature and desire to escape reality make you an ideal candidate to be a novelist; however, your trustful nature and gentleness make you an ideal candidate to get completely screwed over by your agent and publisher. You despise being criticized and cannot tolerate any kind of cruelty, thus it’s probably a good idea to forget about writing and get a job as a Disney theme park character.
Aries. Your courage, confidence and determination are vital traits that will eventually land you the big book deal you’ve always dreamed of. Unfortunately, due to your severe dislike of inactivity and delays, there’s a 99-percent chance you will end up murdering at least three people at your publishing house while awaiting the release of your debut novel. The silver lining, though, is that a triple murder can do wonders for book sales, meaning you will likely end up just as wealthy as your meth kingpin cellmate.
Taurus. You are highly practical, which makes it hard for you to write about zombies, vampires, werewolves, wizards, distant worlds or anything else that appeals to readers. And though your books won’t sell, your patience and stubbornness will keep you churning out fiction until the day your spouse kills you for refusing to write a book about a zombie vampire wizard from outer space.
Gemini. Your aversion to being alone, being confined and following a routine means you have about as much chance of making it as a writer as Mel Gibson has at becoming a rabbi. However, you are highly adaptable and will soon realize your best bet at becoming an author is to date a Pisces, steal their book idea and identity, and then have them killed or sent to North Dakota.
Cancer. You have all the makings of a big-time novelist – tenacity, imagination, passion – but your dislike of strangers will cause you to occasionally spit on people at book signings. Naturally, this will make you increasingly unpopular with readers and compel you to seek Jonathan Franzen’s advice on how to deal with hate mail and death threats.
Leo. Your success as a fiction writer is almost guaranteed – not by your inherent strengths, but rather by your inherent weaknesses (arrogance, self-centeredness, stubbornness) and dislikes (being ignored, facing reality, not being treated like a king or queen). While your future is indeed bright, you will need to work hard to stifle your natural cheerfulness, a trait that could seriously jeopardize your chances of being accepted by the literary elite.
Virgo. Sorry Virgo. Due to your analytical, practical and kind nature, the only way you will succeed as a novelist is if you undergo electroshock therapy, get a lobotomy, or become possessed by fellow Virgo Stephen King. Unfortunately for you, Mr. King is legally still alive, thus you would have to wait for him to die and then hope he picks you to possess. Please note there is currently a very long waiting list.
Libra. You are cooperative, gentle and gracious, which means your only option as an author is to write children’s books. While kids and young parents will adore you, authors of adult fiction will not, so don’t be surprised when they don’t let you sit with them at writers’ conferences or when they tease you for being able to make a living off your books. Your only notable weakness is indecisiveness, thus you may very well suffer a mental breakdown while trying to choose whether to write your next book about a bunny or a kangaroo that lost its hop.
Scorpio. You are passionate, distrusting, sexual and violent. These four traits alone already rank you among the greatest writers of this or any generation despite the fact that you’ve yet to complete a book. If you can find a way to tone down your love of truth and facts, you’re a shoe-in for the short list of every major literary award in existence.
Sagittarius. Forget about being a writer. Your tendency to promise more than you can deliver and to say whatever is on your mind regardless of how it makes others feel should make you seriously consider becoming a literary agent instead. Of course, your disdain for clingy people and off-the-wall ideas could make working with authors a bit problematic, but at least you will have no problem telling them to their face how annoying and crazy they are while still assuring them you’ll find a good publisher for their ridiculous book.
Capricorn. You are a condescending know-it-all who always expects the worse, which is why I personally think we should be best friends. As for a writing career, you show real promise. Your dislike of everything means you could easily write page after page of emotionally charged content on virtually any topic, except for positive thinking. Despite your own potential, you will marry a Cancer and use his or her success and connections to pave the way to getting a huge book deal.
NOTE: There is no doubt each of the horoscope entries above is 100-percent accurate. If yours doesn’t closely describe you and your experiences up till this point in your life as an author, it’s certain your parents lied about when you were born.
If you’ve ever wanted to try your hand at writing a novel, or if you’re an author who’s simply out of ideas, you might actually want to read this post.
I’m giving away story openings for free. Why? Because my head is flooded with them and I need to unload some to make room in my brain for more important things, like how to make a proper Vodka Collins, or remembering where the hell I left my car keys.
Some may wonder why I don’t just save all the story openings for myself in case I want to use them eventually. Don’t worry, I have an exceedingly hyperactive mind that generates new novel openings and ideas every minute I’m awake, and every second I’m asleep. In fact, I just came up with the first two openings listed below while writing this sentence.
So feel free to grab one of the following rip-roaring writing prompts and add just a few hundred pages to it. We can talk about what percentage of your royalties I’m entitled to later, after your novel becomes a best seller. You’re welcome!
1) As he was finishing up a lap in the pool, Zack heard a loud splash in front of him and smelled gasoline. He looked and saw his red Samsonite suitcase in flames, bobbing on the surface of the water. That’s when he knew it was over.
2) “I’ll take one chocolate-dipped and one maple-glazed.” These were the first words I’d spoken in seven years.
3) The groom looked at his lovely bride lying prone at the altar and asked himself, “Why is it nobody ever has a snake venom kit at these things?” 4) There’s a time for laughter and a time for dying. For Evelyn, it was a time for both. 5) “I don’t recall stealing any helicopters,” Angel told the detective. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must tend to the goats.” 6) “You have absolutely no reason to worry about exposure to the toxic chemicals unleashed by the explosion,” the stranger in the black Bentley told Carmichael. “You’ve been dead for three days.” 7) Benjamin got out of the minivan to fill it with gas and smiled through the window at the little boy in the back seat. It wasn’t until he’d swiped his debit card and inserted the pump nozzle into the fuel tank that Benjamin remembered he didn’t have any kids. Nor did he own a minivan. 8) My sister was a real son-of-a-bitch back when she was my brother. 9) Chloe stepped onto her balcony, careful not to spill her tea, and inhaled the glorious morning. “Garrett,” she called back into the bedroom, “come join me. Don’t you just love it when the moon and the earth appear in the sky at the same time?”
10) “You really want to know how my sister ended up President of the United States and I ended up in here?” Xanthia asked the woman in the damp cell next to hers. “It’s simple. I lost a coin toss.”
That’s all of my story starters for now. It’s time for you to take one (or two, you magnificently ambitious bastard) and run with it. Or if you prefer, you can share one of your own rip-roaring story openings in the “Comments” section below.
A few months ago, I posted a piece titled “My 25 Favorite Quotes About Writing.” I’ve deluded myself into thinking thousands of you enjoyed that post and are now hungry for more heady, witty quotes from dead people (mostly).
This time around, however, the focus of the quotes is on reading rather than writing. I figured this would have an even broader appeal than the previous post, seeing as how almost everybody is a reader (of sorts), while – based on the spelling and grammar I see in tweets and Facebook posts – only about 0.083 percent of people are writers.
Sorry, that last line was uncalled for. But then again, so is the existence of my entire blog.
So, without further insults or hostility, here are 25 of my favorite quotes about reading:
1) “There's so much more to a book than just the reading.” –Maurice Sendak
2) “There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book.” –Marcel Proust
3) “The reading of all good books is like a conversation with the finest minds of past centuries.” –Rene Descartes
4) “He that loves reading has everything within his reach.” –William Godwin
5) “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.” –Jerry Seinfield
6) "The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." –Dr. Seuss
7) “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” –Henny Youngman
8) “We shouldn't teach great books; we should teach a love of reading.” –B. F. Skinner
9) “Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours.” –John Locke
10) “Who I am, what I am, is the culmination of a lifetime of reading, a lifetime of stories. And there are still so many more books to read. I'm a work in progress.” –Sarah Addison Allen
11) “Never judge a book by its movie.” –J.W. Eagan
12) "A book, too, can be a star, explosive material, capable of stirring up fresh life endlessly, a living fire to lighten the darkness, leading out into the expanding universe." –Madeleine L'Engle
13) "If the crowns of all the kingdoms of Europe were laid down at my feet in exchange for my books and my love of reading, I would spurn them all." –François Fénelon
14) “Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.” – Mason Cooley
15) "The first time I read an excellent book, it is to me just as if I had gained a new friend. When I read over a book I have perused before, it resembles the meeting with an old one." –Oliver Goldsmith
16) "No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting." –Lady M. W. Montagu
17) “Children are made readers on the laps of their parents.” –Emilie Buchwald
18) “Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.” –Frederick Douglass
19) “Through literacy you can begin to see the universe. Through music you can reach anybody. Between the two there is you, unstoppable.” –Grace Slick
20) “Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.” –Groucho Marx
21) “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” –Groucho Marx
22) “Reading is a discount ticket to everywhere.” –Mary Schmich
23) “A writer only begins a book. A reader finishes it.” –Samuel Johnson
24)“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” –P.J. O'Rourke
25) “You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.” –Ray Bradbury
How about you? Yeah, you. Do you have a favorite quote (or two) about reading that you’d like to share? (Don’t worry if you can’t think of one off the top of your head; you can just google “great quotes about reading” and you’ll find a ton. That’s all I did.)
There's no need for a lengthy preamble to this post. The title is pretty self-explanatory. There is, however, a need for a light warning... Warning: The following content may be unsuitable for those who are sensitive to snark, bothered by barbs, or allergic to acidic quips.
agent: One of a handful of people on this planet permitted to enter the office of, make eye contact with, and occasionally even speak directly to an actual publisher.
Amazon. An immensely successful business that is wanted for the murder of thousands of innocent bookstores.
author (of fiction): A writer who is much more comfortable with imaginary people than with people who take up actual physical space and oxygen.
author (of nonfiction): A writer who is at least somewhat in touch with reality but who has a strange perversion for creating proposals and outlines.
bestseller: A book that contains one or more of the following characters: a zombie, a vampire, a werewolf, a wizard, a warlock, a nymphomaniac, a mass murderer, a hitman, an international spy – and preferably one character who is all of these things. Or, any book written by an A-list celebrity. Or, any book written by a B-list or C-list or D-list celebrity who recently released a sex tape.
book: A small rectangular or square object comprised of pages filled with text intended to help people forget about the devastating things they see on reality TV.
classic: A word that authors gleefully mutter whenever they witness a renowned colleague tripping on stage while accepting the Pen Faulkner Award.
crime fiction: A genre of writing that provides a somewhat healthy outlet for authors who would otherwise be institutionalized.
draft: The cold rush of air felt by a writer upon first reading the manuscript edits provided by his or her editor.
ebook: A reading implement designed for people who have a severe aversion to paper cuts, dog-ears and bookshelves.
erotica: A genre of writing that features more than one climax.
fantasy: What anyone who thinks they can make a living as an author is stuck in.
fiction: What every writer creates whenever answering the question, “How are sales of your book going?”
graphic novel: A comic book for people who have matured beyond comic books.
historical fiction: A genre of writing that prominently highlights events nobody really cared about even back when they actually happened.
horror: A word that commonly follows the words “oh the” after an author receives his or her first royalty check.
indie author: Just like an indie musician but with a larger vocabulary, fewer fans and no skinny jeans.
literary fiction: What ALL fiction used to be back when authors wrote at real writing desks rather than at Starbucks’ tables, and when they drank scotch rather than Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappucinos.
literature: The pamphlets that desperate authors pass out on the street and in coffee shops in hopes of getting someone to buy their damn book.
manuscript: What writers burn to stay warm once their heat is turned off.
mystery: The only way to describe the huge success of E L James and Stephenie Meyer.
non-fiction: The truth as misremembered by a writer.
novel: Something writers claim to be working on in order to justify their current lack of productivity and success in any other area of their lives.
publisher: A gatekeeper to the literary world, which, oddly enough, no longer even has a fence around it.
query letter: An author’s formal written request for a rejection notification.
rejection notification: Official proof that a literary agent or publisher has acknowledged a writer’s existence but not his or her ability.
royalty. 1. Money that is spent a thousand times over before a writer receives it. 2. What you have to be in order to get a decent book deal these days.
science fiction: Writing that becomes historical fiction after enough time has passed.
self-publishing: A bold and daring way for zealous authors to release books for their parents to read.
short story: A novel that isn’t tall enough to ride this ride.
thriller: A genre of writing that substitutes plot with pistol play, character development with car chases, and eloquence with explosions.
true crime: The fact that traditionally published authors get to keep only 10% of the earnings from the sales of a book they wrote 100% by themselves.
writer: A person who, along with an actor, is the driving force behind the waiting and bartending fields.
YA: The best way to define YA (pronounced 'why a') is to use it in a sentence: “YA book has to be written for tots, tweens and teens to have a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding these days is beyond me.”
NOTE: This glossary is a living, growing entity – unlike most authors’ careers. Feel free to add some of your own relevant and devilish definitions in the “Comments” area below.
