Those of you who aren’t writers (you lucky bastards) may not be familiar with what a query letter is (you lucky bastards). And those of you who are writers probably aren’t even reading this post right now because you got triggered by the words “Query Letter” in the title and ran off to break things.
In essence, a query letter is the first step a writer must take to get rejected … er, I mean to get their manuscript published by a traditional book publisher. It is a formal letter—often an email these days—a writer sends to a literary agent in hopes of getting the agent excited enough to ask to read the writer's manuscript. If the agent asks to read the manuscript, and they like it and believe in its salability, they will offer to represent the author and shop the manuscript around to various publishing houses with the aim of landing a solid book deal.
Simple, right?
HA! (Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout-laugh with such anger and bitterness and scorn.)
Depending on whom you ask, literary agents reject between 96% and 110% of the submissions they receive. That means only about 4% to negative 10% of writers ever land an agent. And without an agent, a writer stands between a 0% and a negative 522% chance of being offered a book deal by a large, reputable publisher. I’m not trying to discourage anyone—I’m merely stating totally accurate math I definitely didn’t make up.
Such stark statistics are why you often see aspiring authors sobbing at cafés and in bars and on subways and atop suspension bridges. Such statistics are also why, if you’re a writer seeking a traditional publishing deal, you have to totally nail your query letter.
But here’s the thing: Even if you nail your query letter, you’re still unlikely to land a literary agent. Agents receive hundreds if not thousands of query letters each month, and unless J.K. Rowling or Stephen King is referring you, your query will barely be skimmed. Even if an agent reads your query and likes it and asks to read your manuscript, they likely won’t offer you representation unless your manuscript was ghostwritten by J.K. Rowling or Stephen King. I’m not trying to discourage anyone—I’m merely stating totally accurate facts completely free of any frustration or bitterness or scorn on my part.
So, if you’re a writer seeking an agent, you have two choices: 1) You can spend weeks perfecting your query letter and then a few more weeks personalizing it for each agent you want to query, and then a couple of months stressing out while waiting to receive each agent’s rejection notification, assuming they take the time to send one; OR 2) You can spend about ten minutes writing a horrible query letter and sending it out to all the agents at once without personalizing it, thus saving you months of emotional anguish and freeing you up to do what you truly love: writing another novel nobody will represent or publish.
I highly recommend option two. And am here to help.
To write a truly horrible query letter, you first need to know what constitutes a truly great query letter and then do the exact opposite when writing yours. Following is a list of what top literary agents and other experts in publishing typically cite as essential attributes of a query letter that works:
The agent is formally and properly addressed.
The book’s genre is clearly stated and one that the agent has expressed interest in.
No tpyos or grammatical. Errors.
Strong hook.
The book’s appeal isn’t exaggerated.
The bio section provides only the most relevant info about the author.
The submission guidelines are followed to a T.
Now, using the above bulleted items (or, more accurately, not using them) we are ready to quickly compose a monumentally bad query letter—one that won’t cause you or the writer in your life to bang your/their head against your/their laptop while crying out “Why? Why?” once the rejections start rolling in.
My Darling Gatekeeper/Dream-Maker:
I am seeking representation for my contemporary upmarket(ish)/literary neo-noir suspense psychological thriller sci-fi fantasy novel. It does not yet have a title—I figured you could come up with a better one than I can. The book is complete at 75,000 words or 100,000 words, depending on whether I decide to keep the chapter at the end that describes how the main character has been dead the whole time. The book, which will appeal to everybody who likes the best books, can be described as Gone Girl meets The Hunger Games meets The Martian meets The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Based on your interest in and huge success selling commercial romance fiction, I think it’s time you faced your conscience and starting handling much better books that are more like mine. I’m going to grab your attention now with the hook:
In a world where nothing is as it seems, former private investigator Jock Janson comes out of retirement to take on one last case before going back into retirement for good—unless another really intriguing case presents itself later.
Jock’s client, Ms. X, says she’ll pay Jock triple his normal rate if he can find out who murdered her husband. Jock assures her he can and will. There’s just one problem: Jock interrupted Ms. X before she could explain that she’s from the future and her husband was murdered fifty years from now. But if there’s one thing Jock needs even more than learning to stop interrupting clients, it’s money, so he takes the case. There’s just one more problem: Jock’s been dead the whole time. Or not. What do you think—should I have him be dead the whole time?
I’m going to move into the bio section of this query letter now so you can learn a little about me.
A little about me: I’m an author of contemporary upmarket(ish)/literary neo-noir suspense thriller sci-fi fantasy fiction who’s not very good at deciding on book titles or endings. I was the recipient of over 100 gold stars from my fourth grade English teacher. And while I have never won any official writing awards as an adult, my entry forms and fees have been accepted by top award sponsors on many occasions. I also like ping-pong.
Rather than paste the first ten pages of my manuscript into the body of this email as you specifically request on your website, I have attached the entire manuscript. This way you can read the whole thing before making any decisions about representation. Smart, right?
Thank you very much for taking the time to review my work. Don’t forget to come up with a great title.
Catch ya on the flipside.
Sincerely,
The Next Big Thing
That’s it. That’s how it’s done. Horrible query letters like the one above not only eliminate the months of “will they or won’t they” angst that come with querying literary agents these days; such letters also help writers release years of frustration in a lighthearted and almost healthy way. And who knows—maybe one of the agents who receives the letter will have an affinity for satire and career suicide, and thus may actually end up offering representation based solely on the writer's hubris.
But probably definitely not.
On a completely unrelated and blatantly capitalistic note, my novel THE EXIT MAN—which was optioned by both HBO and Showtime for development into a TV series—is now available for the embarrassingly low price of $0.99 at the following retail sites:
Today’s post is a big one, as I have some good news, some bad news, and some more good news to announce—before I even get to the meat of the post.
The first piece of good news is today you’ll get a(nother) sneak-peek at my upcoming novel, Into a Corner. Of course, you probably already figured that out based on the title of this post. (Hey, I never said it was amazing news.)
Now for the bad (but not horrible) news: Into a Corner will not be launching in early September, as planned.
[pause for you to grieve]
The reason for the delay is—and here comes the second piece of good news—the manuscript has recently drawn interest from some book people in high places, which might significantly alter the publishing path of my novel. Or not. Bottom line is I need to wait and see how things play out. But rest assured, Into a Corner will be published—I just don’t know exactly when or by whom at this point. My apologies for the vagueness and uncertainty. In my defense, I’ve never been one to know a whole lot about anything. Also, publishing’s weird.
Okay, now that I’ve thoroughly muddied the waters, let’s get back to the first piece of good news I mentioned above. Following is the latest sneak-peek at Into a Corner—coming to bookstores (or not) and Amazons near you soon(ish). Enjoy!
Warning: Adult language ahead.
(from Chapter 3 of INTO A CORNER)
A roll of toilet paper makes for a better pillow than you’d think. Someone was kind enough to slip a roll under my head, saving me from one hell of a stiff neck and from having my face touch whatever’s growing on this sorry excuse for a mattress. Must have been one of the guards, or maybe one of the dozen or so women in here with me. Not sure what they’re all cackling and laughing about right now. This isn’t a slumber party. I can tell by the stench of urine and vomit. And by what must be a hatchet wound running down the center of my skull.
The toilet paper pillow is nice and all, but what I could really use is an icepack. Also an eye mask, nose plugs, and a couple of Mama’s silicone ear thingies.
I feel around for my phone, but of course it isn’t on me. Hopefully I got my one call last night and used it wisely. And hopefully the guards are taking as good of care of my purse as they are my phone.
Trying to sit up, I don’t.
Another go, and nope.
My struggle catches the eye of one of my new roommates standing tall and wiry in the opposite corner, her back against the iron bars housing us. She points at me and laughs out of her burlap bag of a face.
A miniature thirty-something redhead sitting a few feet away from Burlap tells her to fuck off, then stands up and walks toward me. She looks sort of familiar, all four foot ten of her. She motions for me to take it easy as I fight my way to a seated upright position, my hands planted not so firmly on the edge of the cot, my feet planted even less so on the concrete floor.
“You probably shouldn’t jostle ’round like that,” says Little Red. “You had a rough night.”
Squinting at her paleness and freckles, then around at the rest of the women in the cell, I mutter, “Didn’t we all?” The taste in my mouth tells me toothpaste wasn’t involved.
Little Red says, “Yeah, but you in particular.”
With my eyes opened a bit more, Little Red was there last night. At Ricochet—the bar in Montrose that Griff made me accompany him to after we killed the Wild Turkey in my kitchen. The rest of the night is like my vision right now.
“Care to fill me in?” I ask Little Red.
“I can try,” she says, “but keep in mind I’m in here, too. So, you know, I can’t promise you nothin’ crystal clear.”
“Well, whatever you’ve got is better than a blackout,” I say, massaging the bridge of my nose, eyes shut tight. When will I ever learn what my favorite professor tried to teach me twenty-five years ago: paint fumes before liquor, never sicker.
Burlap and a few of the other women shuffle from their corner of the cell toward ours, stopping somewhere in the middle. What appears at first glance to be instigation or eavesdropping is actually them distancing themselves from a pretty little blonde thing all sweat and groans and about to erupt all over her Delta Zeta sweatshirt. From the looks of it, the sweatshirt already needs to be washed. Separately.
“So,” Little Red says to me, “you really don’t remember nothin’ from last night?”
I go, “Well,” and close my eyes to search for clues.
There’s me keeping my head down while pulling Griff through the raucous crowd at Ricochet. There’s me reaching the bar and asking Griff if he wants a whiskey. There’s Griff saying, “No, a light beer or Chardonnay.” And there’s me smiling and nodding, then ordering him a whiskey.
I open my eyes and, to Little Red, reply, “Not nothing, but not much.”
“It’s okay, hun,” she says, patting my shoulder. “We’ve all been there.”
That’s the nice thing about drunk-tank friends. No judgment.
“Sort of remember seeing you at Ricochet,” I say, more like a question than a statement.
Little Red nods and gives me a grin, then extends her hand. “I’m Tanner.”
I shake her tiny mitt and ask, “That your first name or last?” and Tanner goes, “Yes.”
I tell her my name and she says, “Oh, I know. Your humongous friend yelled it at least ten times last night.”
My face crinkles like amnesia.
“I was sitting at a table next to where you and your friend were sitting,” says Tanner. “Off in the corner near the restrooms.”
I nod, taking her word for it. No reason to suspect she’s lying—it’s very like me to hide in corners when out in public.
Tanner looks down at the floor and cracks her knuckles while recollecting. “You two were loud as hell, shouting and laughing and shouting some more. Was hard to tell if you were having a blast or an argument.”
I tell her probably both.
She snickers, then goes, “So what’s the deal with his finger?”
I tell her the same lie Griff and I tell everyone who asks—that he was born without it. Very few people can get their head around the truth behind Griff’s missing digit, and most of them are psychiatrists. Even if I took the time to explain Griff’s rare condition—how he’s obsessed with amputating one of his own limbs because he feels it doesn’t actually belong to him, how he screwed up and lost only a finger while going for his whole arm—it would likely elicit too many follow-up questions from these ladies.
“That sucks,” says Tanner, gazing at her own hands with a new appreciation. “Anyway, my friend was practically passed out at our table, so I was bored. Scooted my chair over a bit and leaned in to give you guys a better listen.”
“Hear anything good?” I ask.
And Tanner starts telling me things I don’t remember but already know. She says my humongous friend was giving me a ton of shit for destroying another of my own paintings. She says he was yelling about how art was all I had left and that I couldn’t let Buck take that away from me because Buck had already taken enough.
Tanner interrupts herself to ask, “Just curious … who’s Buck?”
“My dead husband,” I say. “And it’s not Buck, it’s Fuck. But really it’s Wayne.”
Tanner snorts, then covers her mouth. All serious, she goes, “Your husband’s … dead? So sorry, hun.”
I say thanks but that it’s okay to stick with her initial reaction. And to please continue.
Tanner tells me how at Ricochet I just kept drinking my whiskey and the whiskey of my humongous friend while he was busy commanding me to sell all of Fuck’s things and to use the cash to buy art supplies, and to use the art supplies to paint a giant mural in the middle of Houston, and to promise that the giant mural would feature Fuck being disemboweled.
“So,” says Tanner, fingering a few strands of her shoulder-length ginger hair, “you’re like, an artist and shit?”
I nod and go, “Emphasis on ‘shit.’”
“Do people buy your paintings?” Tanner asks.
“They used to.”
My finger draws a couple of please continue and hurry loops in the air. “Sorry,” I say to Tanner. “It’s just I’m dying to hear about the rest of last night.”
“Let me think,” she says, her eyelids fluttering. “Oh, yeah, your humongous friend, he said he had to piss and would be right back. As soon as he was up and out of sight, this dude comes up to you and—”
“Brown leather jacket?” I ask, grimacing.
Tanner nods.
Face in my hands, I go, “Fuuuck,” as the previous evening’s events unfold.
There’s me saying no thanks to Brown Leather Jacket’s offer to buy me a drink.
There’s Brown Leather Jacket going, “Aw man, you a lesbian?” and me going, “Right at this moment, yes.”
There’s Brown Leather Jacket saying, “C’mon, just one drink,” and me saying, “C’mon, just get lost,” and BLJ telling me I don’t need to be a bitch about it and that he hopes I have fun with all the fags and dykes.
Tanner pauses the slideshow with a tap on my shoulder. “Odessa, hun, you okay?”
“Yup,” I say into my palms. “Just reliving my night of glory.”
Tanner tells me not to sweat it. Says the asshole had it coming.
A deep sigh and there’s me telling BLJ if he has a problem with fags and dykes then he should probably stay out of bars built for fags and dykes. Also, that he should stop calling fags and dykes fags and dykes. Lastly, that he should never call me a bitch again, not if he wants to keep his teeth.
There’s BLJ shaking his head, then turning to his friend and muttering either, “Crazy bitch” or “Maybe switch.”
There’s me not giving him the benefit of the doubt. There’s me standing up, shooting what’s left of the whiskey in Griff’s lowball, and smashing the empty glass against the back of BLJ’s head.
And here come the screams and the shards and the drops of blood—the latter from a small cut on my pinky, not from any gash in BLJ’s solid melon. And there’s BLJ, woozy from the blow, being held up by his friend, who steps toward and glares at me.
Ah, and there she is. Tanner. Face redder than her hair, cursing at BLJ’s friend who’s cursing at me who’s cursing at BLJ and the bouncer who’s got me by the collar of the same shirt I’m wearing right now. The one Tanner’s now rubbing the back of, saying, “Chin up, hun. All we’re really facing is a drunk and disorderly. The dude you clocked didn’t press no charges. Management neither.”
“That’s good to know,” I say, peeking at Tanner through my fingers, then closing my eyes again to go back and find Griff.
There he is, returning from the bathroom, his python-thick arms up in the air, all nine of his fingers flared. There’s the bouncer barking at Griff, telling him to back off. And there’s me settling the hell down so Griff will do the same, telling him it’s my fault and that I’ll be fine and to just go to my house and make sure Mama’s asleep and okay.
“Don’t worry, hun,” says Tanner, still rubbing my back. “Your friend said he’d come and get you as soon as possible, no matter where, no matter what. Remember?”
Vaguely.
Tanner adds, “Said he’d get the money to pay whatever’s needed.”
I move my hands from my face and look at her. “Any idea how much the bail might be?”
Tanner tilts her head and purses her lips. “Aw, drunk-tank virgins like you are always so adorable,” she says. “Drunk and disorderly’s just a misdemeanor—there ain’t no bail for misdemeanors, only a fine. And in Texas, the max is just five hundred bucks.”
By the look in her eyes, Tanner can see the look in mine.
“Aw, hun, don’t panic,” she says while brushing two fingers across my cheek. “You don’t gotta have the cash to get sprung from here. They gotta let you go as soon as you sober up enough to not puke on your way out.”
My gaze moves from Tanner’s freckles to the handful of inmates chatting and laughing a few feet from us, then back to Tanner’s freckles. “So what are you and the others still doing in here?” I ask. “Most of you look okay enough to bounce.”
Tanner gives me another patronizing “aww” and head tilt. “We’re sticking around for the free coffee and breakfast, hun,” she says. “By law, the guards gotta give us some.”
More bile burps from Delta Zeta move Burlap and her posse close enough to make Tanner and me a part of it. The posse smells worse than Delta Zeta. Like onions and Thunderbird.
“So, why does your friend—Griff?—why does he hate your dead husband so much?”
I tell Tanner—and our new friends who are now all ears—it’s a long story and not one worth sharing.
“What, the bastard cheat on ya or something?” Tanner asks.
“Abuse you?” asks Burlap.
“Leave you in debt?” asks another posse member all height and girth and piercings and tattoos.
I look away from everyone, then shake my head and answer all their questions at once. “Yes.”
Assuming you didn’t just skip ahead to this closing note, THANK YOU VERY MUCH much for reading the above excerpt. Hopefully it has left you eager for more (that is, excited to buy the book once it’s out). If you missed or want to revisit the previous two excerpts from Into a Corner, here’s a link to the first one, and to the second one. Thanks again—I’ll keep you posted on the book’s weird and wild journey to publication!
Back in October I posted the first excerpt from my upcoming novel, and hopefully you were so dazzled by the gripping narrative and dialogue, you forgot the title of the book.
Because the title of the book has changed.
In that post I did mention I’d likely be changing the title, so nothing about this announcement should come as a huge surprise. Still, that shouldn’t stop you from exploding with anticipation right now as I prepare to reveal the official title of my next novel.
[insert pause here to allow for maximum build-up of anticipation, tension and excitement]
Ladies and gentlemen, the title of my upcoming novel—due out this summer—is…
[insert another pause, but shorter to avoid annoying everyone]
INTO A CORNER
Okay, now that that’s over with, below is an excerpt from Chapter 2 of the book. I’m having a blast writing it, by the way. And if you like crime fiction with plenty of grit, heart and dark humor, I think you'll have a blast reading it. (Note: In addition to changing the title, I changed the name of the main character. From Roxy Scott to Odessa Scott. Why? Because Odessa told me to, and she’s not somebody you want to upset.)
From Chapter 2 of INTO A CORNER
There isn’t a color or brushstroke in the world that can fix what’s about to burn.
My saliva slides down the canvas, bringing with it some of the blue and black paint I applied just before spitting. This isn’t a technique. It’s a termination. It’s another ten hours of work and eighty bucks of stretched Belgian linen down the drain. Scratch that. Up in smoke.
The concrete floor practically cracks as I stomp toward the welding torch hanging on the far wall of my studio. My studio is my garage. Especially today.
I snatch the torch from the wall, then grab the handle of the metal cart that holds everything else and rattle it back across the garage. En route, I stop to kick out of the way a cardboard box filled with who the hell cares and continue on toward my oil-based mishap, my abstract attempt at capturing the latest school shooting.
Worst part is, the worthless mess on the canvas is the only thing of value in the room. My garage that doubles as a studio triples as storage space for my dead husband, Wayne. Maybe after torching the painting I’ll torch Wayne’s broken Kawasaki and his socket wrenches. Torch his golf bag and his Astros cap. His flannel shirts and his wedding suit. And all the rest of the crap he didn’t and can’t come back for. All the junk that should be for sale on eBay or Craigslist but isn’t.
Of course, if I did torch Wayne’s stuff, there’d be nothing left in the studio to inspire me. Without all these reminders of abandonment and betrayal and tragedy around, I’d likely end up painting something bright and cheerful. Something light and hopeful. Something so awful it would sell.
Besides, all this clutter is good for my nerves.
Standing a few feet from the canvas, I take one last look at everything that went wrong. The reds and greens and blues that escaped my control. The black flashes I splattered last-minute out of spite. This is the third piece in a row that didn’t turn out as I’d pictured. Didn’t measure up. Can’t be saved.
Used to be my art career wasn’t such a fire hazard. Luckily my side job writing last words for dead people keeps me alive. Almost.
In loving memory of when things weren’t a total shit-show.
From the cart I grab the green gas hose that’s still attached to an oxygen cylinder from the last time I shot flames at my failure. I screw the other end of the green hose to the torch’s oxygen connection. Next comes the red hose. Red as in stop, but I don’t. I take the free end of the hose—the end that’s not attached to a cylinder of explosive fuel—and screw it into the torch’s acetylene connection. You’re supposed to check each hose for any debris before starting up. It’s a safety precaution, but safety has lost its luster of late.
So no protective goggles or respirator or dust mask for me as I open the various valves. And ah, there’s that hiss I love. And hate. The exhale of oxidization. The breath of destruction.
A white flame shoots from the tip of the torch, stopping just short of its target. The heat alone chars a goodbye kiss into the canvas. I take a step closer. Purple-black smoke plumes from the dead painting, summons tears from the corners of my sockets.
We have ignition. The smell, like a bomb’s been dropped on Fine Art 101. Like someone streaked through the Louvre leaking gasoline and lit a match. Like nothing and everything is under control.
Watching my work on fire reminds me of my potential.
I kill the oxygen and the acetylene, then set the torch on the concrete floor. There’s more smoke coming off the canvas than last time. Also bigger flames, but it’s too early to reach for the extinguisher. That would be quitting.
The side pocket of my paint-smeared smock buzzes and buzzes. Probably my neighbor Clark or my neighbor Lucia checking just to make sure the garage is on fire on purpose. Again. Clark and Lucia are good people, but I wish they’d learn to mind their own business whenever I’m cremating remains in the privacy of my own garage. You’d think they’d be used to this by now.
Part of me is tempted to just walk away and let this turn into a major insurance claim, but Mama’s napping inside. Besides, a major insurance claim would surely become a closed arson investigation faster than these here flames are devouring my talent.
Also, the painting is starting to look more like what I was originally going for. That’s the thing with abstract expressionism—sometimes all it takes is a little disfigurement to turn a massacre into a masterpiece.
From the metal cart I grab the extinguisher and blow its load all over what’s burning. My pursed lips keep out all the hot specks of cancer dancing in the air. But that doesn’t keep me from coughing through my nose as I blast my sanctuary with white foam. If someone were videoing any of this, it would go viral.
Here lies the last ounce of my patience and possibility.
My smock buzzes again. My overly concerned neighbors can go to hell.
I set the almost-empty extinguisher down next to the dormant welding torch, then stand up to take everything in. The corner of my garage looks like a studio again. The corner of my studio looks like a cumulus cloud threw up on a mill town. Smells nice, though. Campfires and chemistry sets.
The only thing better than the high you get from creating good art is the high you get from destroying bad art. Especially in an enclosed and poorly ventilated space.
What was a failed painting a week ago and a day ago and a minute ago is now the scorched surface of a strange new planet. A land of boiling blue streams snaking burnt red hills and black craters. A world too beautiful to have ever been inhabited by humans.
Looks like I may have found my new medium.
That’s it. I hope you enjoyed the excerpt and are itching to read more. (Oh, and don’t worry, the book does actually contain dialogue—just not the above clip.)
‘Tis the season for giving, and after spending much of last week shamelessly promoting one of my novels that was on sale, I’m ready to get into the true holiday spirit and focus on my fellow woman and man. Trouble is, I earned less than a dollar for every copy sold during the aforementioned sale, and thus can afford to give gifts only to imaginary people. (My family isn’t thrilled about this, but in my defense, they’re used to me disappointing them.)
So let’s get this merry freakin’ party started. Below are the names of some of my all-time favorite fictional characters, along with what I feel is the perfect present for each.
NOTE: Included in this list are the protagonists from my own novels. I did this not to be self-promotional, but rather because these characters would surely murder me if I didn’t list them and get them gifts. (They’re all still a bit upset with me for nearly getting each of them killed while writing their story.)
Tyler Durden(Fight Club)
Perfect gift: A hospital-grade first-aid kit.
I thought about getting Tyler a prescription for extra-strength Ambien or an elephant tranquilizer to help with his insomnia, but then realized that he, if well-rested, might be a bit of a snooze. I believe one of the greatest gifts in life is the ability to be fully self-expressed. And for someone whose full self-expression is repeatedly punching others and himself in the face until unconscious—one of the greatest gifts you can give is a portable pack containing smelling salts, surgical gloves, hydrogen peroxide, Dermabond, sterile gauze, adhesive tape, bandages, scissors, a splint, fentanyl patches, and, of course, soap made from human fat.
Lisbeth Salander (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
Perfect gift: Access to Larry Nassar, Jerry Sandusky, Bill Cosby, et. al.
For those of you who are familiar with Lisbeth Salander, the above gift needs no explanation. For those of you who aren’t, she’s everyone’s favorite vigilante rape-survivor hell-bent on destroying men guilty of sexual assault.
Now, I’m not saying violence is ever the answer. Of course, as a man, I don’t get to say what the answer is when it comes to what women like Lisbeth have been through. What I can say, however, is, “Enjoy the gift, girl!”
We all have that one friend who runs a party supply store and lives a secret double-life as a mercy killer helping terminally ill individuals end their lives with dignity. My friend like that is Eli Edelmann, and boy is he going to be tickled when he unwraps a set of helium tanks that can’t be tracked to his own store, and that are each just small enough to fit inside the duffle bag he brings on house calls. I just hope he didn’t get me the same gift.
Celie (The Color Purple)
Perfect gift: A tabono tattoo.
A tabono is an African symbol representing strength, perseverance, persistence and purposefulness. Sure, I could get Celie a tabono pendant instead of a tabono tattoo, but pendants can be easily broken. Tattoos—just like Celie—cannot.
Whether you’ve read the book or seen the movie, or both, you know Celie embodies the strength of the human spirit and the power of forgiveness. You see her transform from a wounded, mercilessly abused woman to a strong, independent and loving individual. Granted, there’s that one really gross scene where she spits in Mister's father's glass of water, but that scene reveals how Celie—even when terrified—simply won’t stand for anyone messing with the people she loves. We should all strive to be as deserving of having a tabono carved into our flesh as Celie is.
Offred (The Handmaid's Tale)
Perfect gift: Membership to a “rage room.”
What do you get the girl who has everything … taken from her by a dystopian totalitarian patriarchal state? Well, the top two gift items that pop up when you Google this question are 1) a cyanide pill, and 2) the opportunity to smash solid objects to smithereens with little risk of getting publicly hanged by theonomic dictators. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think cyanide says “happy holidays” quite like taking a baseball bat to glass does.
Rage rooms started popping up around the globe about four or five years ago, and have really spiked in popularity since around November 8, 2016. And while most rage-room patrons report that five to ten minutes of obliterating old TV sets and dinnerware is enough to get rid of years of pent-up fury, I feel that ten minutes wouldn’t be enough for Offred to get rid of even one morning of pent-up fury. Thus, I’ll be gifting her a rage room Platinum Membership, which includes unlimited visits as well as super-secret transportation to and from the venue in a camouflaged Tesla.
After all that’s happened to Gage Adder—his divorce, his stage-IV pancreatic cancer diagnosis, his having no other choice but to murder a friend—he could really use a victory. And while Lisbeth is not exactly the type of woman to allow a man to set her up on a blind date, once I tell her about Gage’s affinity for poisoning rapists and other miscreants, she’ll at least be down for a coffee with the guy. Granted, Gage’s inoperable cancer is likely to put a damper on any long-term romance, but even if he and Lisbeth end up just being friends for a few months, it could result in some truly beautiful and meaningful executions. And isn’t that really what the holidays are all about?
Amy Dunne (Gone Girl)
Perfect gift: A ride-along with a crime scene investigator.
Brilliant sociopaths are often forgotten about during Christmas, and that’s sad. When I think of the joy—well, maybe not joy, considering she is a sociopath—that Amy will experience upon discovering that someone cared enough to get her a present that taps her most dangerous strengths, it gives me goosebumps.
I really did put a lot of thought into this gift. Amy will be totally in her element, and the CSI agent she rides along with will be shocked by her natural aptitude. After all, Amy is always three steps ahead of everyone—and devious enough to get away with planting fake evidence to catch those for whom there isn’t sufficient real evidence. Just ask her husband.
Humbert Humbert (Lolita)
Perfect gift: Androgen deprivation therapy (ADT).
I had to think long and hard about what to get Humbert for the holidays—just like I’ve had to think long and hard about why I and so many other people root for such a dangerous malcontent whenever we read Lolita.
A little about my choice of gift for Humbert: ADT is a drug treatment that involves the reduction of male hormones—especially testosterone—in a sexual deviant’s system. A sort of chemical castration, if you will. Perhaps I’m being a little too sympathetic toward Humbert, but I feel it would be overly barbaric to physically castrate him, and a shame to drug him out of his brilliant mind with heavy doses of anti-depressants. I mean, c’mon—Humbert is witty, charming, cultured, refined. Once you remove his pathological obsession for prepubescent girls, he’s a helluva guy.
Two years traveling the world posing as a pedophile to catch sex traffickers and rescue young girls can really take its toll on one’s body and mind. And marriage. Zero Slade is living fictional proof of that. Add in the stress of trying to beat an opioid addiction following a recent overdose and getting shot during a recent sting operation, and I think you’ll agree Zero deserves a day of pampering—almost as much as his tough yet devoted wife Neda does. After a full six hours of deluxe spa treatment that includes Swedish massages, organic double-exfoliation facials and warm agave nectar pedicures, Zero and Neda are going to feel so rejuvenated, they just might stay married for another year or two.
To help ensure an ideal spa experience and keep Zero’s mind off of work, I told the spa manager that no female staff from Asia, South America, Central America or Africa who are young enough to possibly be mistaken for minors are to come anywhere near the couple during their visit. Thus, the manager has arranged for all the treatments to be provided by two former Ukrainian weightlifters. Each of these women will be given special instructions on how to carefully work around Zero’s entry and exit wounds.
Jean Louise "Scout" Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird)
Perfect gift: Two rocking chairs and a large bouquet of flowers.
Such items may seem like odd gift choices for a young girl like Scout. That’s because they’re not actually for her. Scout being one of the most sensitive and thoughtful children in all of fiction (and all of nonfiction, for that matter), there’s nothing she’d want more for the holidays than to do something for others less fortunate than her.
The two rocking chairs? They’re for Scout to give to the severely misunderstood recluse Arthur “Boo” Radley, so that she and Boo can sit together regularly on his porch—where she’ll no doubt talk his ear off apologizing to him on behalf of the entire town. As for the bouquet of flowers, those are for Scout to set on Tom Robinson’s grave—where she’ll no doubt talk his ear off apologizing on behalf of humanity.
Odessa Scott: (title classified) [Sorry, can’t share the name of my upcoming book—coming soon to an Amazon near you!]
Perfect gift: A very secluded tiny-house and art studio.
Who here doesn’t struggle each year to come up with the ideal holiday present for the agoraphobic artist in their life who’s wanted in several states for forgery and murder? And yet, despite the hassle, we always seem to find ourselves going the extra mile for these troublesome, creative felons we know and love.
Man, I can’t wait to see the look on Odessa’s face after I blindfold her and drive her out to the tiny-house and separate tiny-studio I bought for her in a remote area of the Davis Mountains in West Texas. Hopefully Odessa will enjoy many years hiding out there, painting abstract expressionistic masterpieces before the law catches up to her. And hopefully she’ll keep my name out of her mouth when they do. Because unlike Odessa, I can’t imagine myself in prison.
Who are some of YOUR favorite literary characters, and what's the perfect gift for them? Share in the comments section below.
Usually when the Kindle version of one of my novels goes on sale for $0.99, I write up some quick, clever promotional message to entice readers to shell out a measly buck for the book.
Not this time.
This time, the book on sale is In Wolves’ Clothing, a novel that centers around the horrific world of child sex trafficking. Needless to say, the topic is nothing to laugh about … unless your job is to save children caught up in the nightmare of it, in which case humor is an essential tool. For survival.
Just ask Zero Slade. Zero, the protagonist of In Wolves’ Clothing, travels the globe posing as a sex tourist to help capture traffickers and rescue girls as young as five from the world’s fastest-growing crime circuit. In between the physically dangerous and emotionally taxing missions Zero’s been leading for the past seven years, he and his undercover cohorts often joke around. It’s either that or self-destruct, and the latter isn’t conducive to putting away pimps or liberating children.
To help sell the book during this promotional period, I could try to be funny and cute. I could write something such as, “Nothing says ‘Happy Holidays’ like human trafficking.” But we all know such copy is neither funny nor cute.
So, given all that, some may ask why “dark comedy” and “dark humor” are among the categories that In Wolves’ Clothing is listed under on Amazon. It’s a fair question, the answer to which is simply this: I tried to capture the truth.
As part of my research for the book, I interviewed a man by the name of Radd Berrett, who, for two years, did in real life the kind of work Zero Slade does in my novel. For two years, Radd rubbed elbows with traffickers on nearly every continent, playing the role of the worst type of man you can imagine, putting his life at risk for the sake of the Lost Girls. And for two years, whenever a mission ended, Radd and his colleagues would rely on humor (along with—understandably yet sadly—pain meds and liquor) to help them make it to the next mission. Every time I spoke to Radd on the phone and asked him to tell me more about the work he did, he’d make me laugh so hard I’d cry. And I’m not talking tears of joy.
I sent Radd the manuscript for In Wolves’ Clothing and asked him to read it prior to publication last fall. I told him I was a little concerned about the direction I chose, the darkly humorous voice and tone that echoed throughout the story. Radd called me three days later, thrilled about how the book turned out. “Man, how’d you do it?” he asked. I thanked him sincerely for the praise, and said, “The much more important question is, ‘How did you?’”
Soon after the book came out in October 2017, it received very positive reviews from such literary heavy-hitters as Publishers Weekly and Midwest Book Review. And yet, as happy as those reviews made me, the testimonial I’m most proud of, by far, came from the man who experienced first-hand the kind of hell I put my protagonist through over the course of 273 pages:
"Truly original and enthralling. Levin's blazing prose and acerbic wit capture the madness and the humanity of working undercover in the darkest corners."—Radd Berrett, former Jump Team member, Operation Underground Railroad
But honestly, it’s Radd and the many other men and women dedicated to battling the biggest scourge of our time who deserve a rave review.
That's why I wrote the book.
Speaking of which, the Kindle edition ofIn Wolves’ Clothingis on sale for just $0.99 on Amazon (US and UK only) for a very limited time. If you haven’t read the book yet, now’s a good time to check it out.
No joke.
(For those of you in the US, click on the red title above. For those in the UK, click here. And thank you!)