I spent the better part of 2015 writing a novel titled Sick to Death. I’ve spent much of 2016 editing it, having some pros edit it even more, and praying to the literary gods the damn thing sells.

Sick to Death is your average, everyday tale about a group of terminally ill individuals who become serial killers to make their city a safer place to live. And die.

Call it a beach read.

Following is the tagline and blurb that will appear on the back cover of the book:

Knowing you’re dying can be murder.

When Gage Adder finds out he has inoperable pancreatic cancer, things really start to look up for him. He leaves his soul-crushing job, joins a nice terminal illness support group, and takes up an exciting new hobby: Beating the hell out of bad guys.

Gage’s support group friends Jenna and Ellison don’t approve of his vigilante activities. Jenna says fighting never solves anything. Poison, on the other hand… When the three decide to team up and hit the streets, suddenly no rapist, pedophile or other odious criminal in the city is safe.

They are the sickest of superheroes. Their superpower is nothing left to lose. But what happens when one of them takes this power too far and puts at risk the lives of hundreds of innocent people? Where does one draw the line when dying to kill?

For those of you sick enough to want a bit more, here is the opening from Chapter 1:

Everyone in the subway car gasped when the man with the shaved head slid off his seat and crumpled to the floor.

Everyone except Gage. He just leaned back with his head resting against the window, tapping the ivory handle of his walnut walking cane. As the train rattled around a curve beneath the heart of Philly, Gage ignored the panic and commotion, keeping his eyes on the supine skinhead and on the woman who was now frantically administering CPR to bring him back into the world. 

The woman’s rescue efforts were futile. Gage knew this. He knew there was no coming back from the two hundred milligrams of sodium cyanide coursing through the skinhead’s body. How the cyanide made its way into the body, well, Gage knew that, too. And if all went well, he’d remain the only one who knew. And all usually went well. Gage was quite good at cyanide.

And ricin.

And arsenic.

Unfortunately, Gage was also quite adept at Gemcitabine.

And Oxaliplatin.

And Irinotecan.

Unless you’re an oncologist or the patient of one, you’ve probably never heard of those last three. 

Over the previous six months, there was only one thing Gage had become more efficient at than killing… and that was dying.

But for now let’s keep things positive and focus on the former.

The skinhead was the second person Gage had murdered in three weeks.

It had been a slow month.

You’re just dying to know what day Sick to Death will be available, RIGHT? Me too! Publishing isn’t an exact science, but the book should be dropping early to mid-September. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to keep you updated.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to writing yet another twisted tale to draw the attention of the FBI. 

When you tell people you're going to be a writer, undoubtedly many of them will tell you, "Don't quit your day job."

Don't listen to them. QUIT your day job.

Then get a much BETTER one.

It is true you likely won't earn much as an author and will thus need to supplement your writing income. But you can do better than your current day job. You just don't know it yet. 

The trouble with most regular jobs is the hours are long and the pay ranges from laughable to lackluster. As an author, you need a lot of time to write and rewrite, and a lot of money to cover your drinking expenses and the costs associated with self-publishing after you fail to land an agent and publisher. Doing the 9-to-5 thing (or some uninspired variation of it) will provide you with neither enough time nor enough money. Plus most traditional jobs are boring and soul-crushing, leaving you with little energy and enthusiasm to create anything worth reading or making a Netflix series out of.

Below I’ve listed five nontraditional jobs that are ideal for authors looking to easily make ends meet. All feature minimum work for maximum pay, provide highly flexible scheduling, and require no formal degrees or certificates. Also, the exciting and risky nature of the jobs themselves will provide plenty of captivating fodder for books.

Now, it should be noted that if you get caught doing any of these jobs (with the exception of one), you will go to prison. But don’t sweat it. In prison you’ll gain even more book fodder and time to write. You simply can’t lose.  

And now, on to what I consider some of the best possible day* jobs for authors. (*Most of these jobs are best done at night.)

Bank Robber. Had he been literate, Jessie James could have crushed it as a novelist. Bank robbers work only one or two days a month and make over a million dollars an hour—almost as much as J.K. Rowling. With that kind of free time, you could write a novel every two weeks—almost as many as Stephen King. Key qualifications for the job of Bank Robber include a cool temperament, a steady hand, and a ski mask. It also helps to know the bank’s hours.  

Jewel Thief. This job is just as lucrative and time-efficient as Bank Robber, and requires many of the same attributes and ski masks. The big difference is that a jewel thief needs much less upper-body strength, as a handful of diamonds weighs a lot less than sacks full of cash. This is good news for writers who struggle to get to the gym between bouts of writing and drinking. In other words, nearly all authors.

Drug Dealer. Fortunately for writers, more than half the world’s population today is as depressed and as unstable as they are. This means the demand for narcotics and other controlled substances is higher than ever. As a drug dealer, an author can make a fortune working just a couple of hours a day, then spend the rest of the day sampling their own product and working on their novel. As an added bonus, having immediate access to painkillers is great for helping authors handle the agony of constant rejection and poor book sales.

Hitman (or woman). Most authors would kill for more time to write, and that’s exactly what they’d be doing in this job. An average hit takes only a few hours to prepare for and complete, and fetches between $25K-$50K. So by doing just one hit a month, an author will earn enough to almost cover the PR costs for promoting their latest novel. Two hits a month, and they can start thinking about bribing Kirkus to write a favorable book review.     

Professional Escort. If going on dates and sleepovers is more appealing to you than killing or stealing, then this is likely the best job for you on the list. Escorts can earn $15K-$30K a month just by accompanying lonely rich people to parties, social events and private sex dungeons a few times a week. Good money, plenty of free time to write, and, if you decide to write about your actual experiences, the chance to blow the shitty Fifty Shades of Grey out of the water in the erotica market. The only drawback is that escorting is legal in all 50 U.S. states, which means there’s no chance you’ll get to go on a prison-based writing retreat.

NOTE: I, myself, am currently considering getting a job in one of the fields mentioned above. The only other viable alternative is for you and everyone you know to buy my books.