We writers love to get together and complain – either in person, online, or in our dreams while napping. In our defense, there’s a lot to complain about if you’re a writer. It’s the main reason I got into the writing biz to begin with. “I get to work in my underwear AND whine and whinge incessantly? I’m in!”
Nevertheless, all complaining and no play makes Jack a dull boy. That’s why I’ve decided to share some unique solutions to common author problems and issues. If you are a writer and don’t like my solutions, feel free to complain. I’d expect nothing less.
Finding time to write. So you have a full-time job and kids to take care of, and you rarely get more than a couple of hours a week to work on your manuscript. What should you do? Simple – quit your job and hire a nanny. I know what you’re thinking, “How can I afford a nanny if I don’t have a job?” I have no idea – that’s for you to figure out. You’ll need to get creative, which should be easy if you truly are a writer. You might consider winning the lottery or becoming the head of a crystal meth empire.
Now, if quitting your job simply isn’t a real option for you, you could try keeping your job and pretending to work in your cubicle while secretly typing away at your novel. I did it for years. The same goes for the nanny thing. If getting one isn’t feasible, you could try keeping your kids and pretending to look after them while secretly writing your novel.
Other solid options for finding time to write include:
Abusing amphetamines so that you can create wildly imaginative prose every night while everyone else is sleeping.
Behaving like a total a-hole so that colleagues, family members and friends leave you the hell alone with your manuscript.
Moving to Croatia and getting pregnant right after securing a job. (You’ll get one full year of maternity leave while earning 100-percent of your salary.)
Overcoming writer’s block. Charles Bukowski said the best way to overcome writer’s block is to write about it. But Bukowski was a drunk of mythical proportions and was talking out of his ass when he said that. I, on the other hand, am a drunk of mere ordinary proportions, so you’re better off listening to me. And I say the best way to overcome writer’s block is to get incarcerated. The only things to do in prison are lift weights, observe colorful/dangerous characters, and write. Once you do a few months at County, you’ll learn how to do all three of the aforementioned activities at once.
The trouble is, to get into prison you have to commit a crime. Be sure to pick one that’s not so bad that you get locked up for years with murderers. Granted, real-life murderers are great for basing characters off of, but a long sentence will hinder your ability to tweet about your book once it’s out. By the same token, you don’t want your crime to be so light that you get locked up for mere weeks with corporate executives. Boring, and not enough time to produce a decent manuscript.
Self-medicating without diminishing your craft. For centuries writers have strived to achieve the right balance of intoxication and readability. Too much drinking and drugs, and you run the risk of writing something as unreadable as Finnegan’s Wake. Too little drinking and drugs, and you run the risk of dealing with rejection notifications while sober.
I recommend following Hemingway’s oft-cited advice, “Write drunk, edit sober.” (But first get rid of any shotguns that may be lying around.) You’ll know you’ve had just enough to drink (or taken just the right dosage) when you feel a slight sense of euphoria and power and are able to melt into your story and feel your characters. In contrast, you’ll know you’ve overdone it a bit when you find yourself naked in a bus stop bathroom insisting you are one of your characters. It may take some trial and error until you get it just right.
Finding an agent. Don’t waste any more time cold-querying literary agents in hopes of gaining representation. Experts agree the best way to land an agent is to be referred to one by one of their existing clients.
So it’s time for you to start sleeping around with successful authors.
Don’t worry, this is easier done than said. All you need to do is go to a lot of book signings and, when it’s your turn to have the author sign your copy, tell him or her they are the reason you write, that you feel they rank up there with the finest literary minds in history, and that you are a master of tantric sex.
If you happen to have a spouse or significant other who frowns against such ploys, then maybe you need to leave them for someone a little more supportive of your writing career.
Getting people (who aren’t related to you) to buy your book. There are authors who say they are not concerned with book sales. These writers are true artists. Bullshit artists. Everyone with a book wants it to sell and will try nearly anything to make that happen.
The following tactics have done wonders for getting people outside of my immediate family to buy my books:
Hiring a sign-spinner to stand outside of Barnes & Noble dressed as my front cover.
Announcing on social media that I’m holding a puppy hostage until five thousand copies of my novel have sold.
Paying a publicist $20,000 to ensure I sell at least half that amount in books.
Posting a Photoshopped picture of Oprah holding a copy of my novel.
Writing a book that doesn’t totally suck. (Though evidence has shown that writing one that DOES totally suck might be even better for sales.)
If you have an author problem you’d like me to address, feel free to share it in the Comments section below. If I am your author problem, kindly keep that to yourself.
After spending ten months with my main characters – living inside their heads (and they inside mine), experiencing their fear and excitement and joy and sorrow – it’s over. The last page has been written. All I can do is look back and remember.
Okay, and edit.
Still, going through my manuscript and making tweaks here and there isn’t the same as hanging out with my characters in real time. It’s like going to visit a former lover soon after a breakup. You can take back some things you said, and you can say some things you should have said the first time around, and it definitely helps, but deep down you already know your magic time together is over.
I miss how my protagonist used to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me something vital. I miss sitting down with him and figuring out how the hell we were going to get him where he needed to go. Do what he needed to do. Overcome what he needed to overcome.
I miss putting him through hell in order to save him.
And I miss his friends. His enemies, too. I miss the whole story. Creating it, living it.
They say the best way to get over a lost love is to find a new one. And I have. I’ve already started working on my next novel. In fact, I’d started fooling around with it even before I finished my last one. So I guess you could say I was unfaithful. But in my defense, I’ve always had an unspoken open relationship with my novels. That said, it is a bit one-sided; I’m allowed to see other stories, but my stories aren’t allowed to see other authors.
Even though I have met another manuscript, the pain of having finished my last one still lingers. I keep seeing the faces and hearing the voices of the characters I’ve come to know so well. Sometimes I even call out their names when I’m getting busy with my new novel, which is awkward for everyone involved.
I realize that, in time, I will come to love my new characters as much as I do my older, more fully developed ones. And that helps to take some of the pain away. But I also know one day in the not-too-distant future I’ll have to say goodbye to those new characters, too. And then I’ll be right back where I am now. Missing my beloved imaginary friends. Wondering what they’re up to. Hoping they’ll somehow be able to move on without me. And I without them.
NOTE: I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on when the novel I recently finished writing is actually available, which should be sometime between Spring/Summer 2016 and the winter of my discontent. Of course, you could always kill the time by picking up a copy of my LAST novel. Just saying.
It’s not uncommon for writers to spiral into madness. Less common, however, is to have such spiraling captured nice and neatly in a spiral-bound notebook.
A couple of months ago, a waitress at a café in Portland, Oregon, found a journal someone had accidentally left behind at one of her tables. The waitress had never before seen the customer who‘d been sitting at the table, and the journal contained no name or contact information inside. What it did contain were numerous entries from an aspiring author who’d been gradually losing his patience – and, ultimately, his marbles.
Following are several key excerpts from the journal, which, ironically enough, will soon be published by Harper Collins.
August 12, 2015: I’m so excited – I finally finished writing my debut novel! Will hire a professional editor to get the book in tip-top shape before I start submitting it to literary agents. To help pay for the editing services, I plan to work a few extra shifts at my job, and to sell my plasma and sperm on a weekly basis.
September 8, 2015: Got my manuscript back from the professional editor, who corrected a ton of typos and grammatical errors, provided a lot of feedback on how to improve the beginning, middle and end of the book as well as most of the characters and dialogue, and she recommended I consider a career working with numbers rather than words. She did say mine wasn’t the absolute worst manuscript she’s ever edited, and I told her I was very grateful for the compliment. As soon as I stop crying and cutting myself, I’ll get to work on the second draft.
October 17, 2015: After more than a month of revisions and amphetamine use, I feel my manuscript is ready to submit to agents! I can’t afford to pay for any more professional editing, but my mother read the new draft and said it’s one of the best novels by one of her children she’s ever read. Tomorrow I shall send query letters to ten of the top literary agents specializing in my genre. I can’t believe it – in just a few weeks I might have an agent! Or a substance abuse problem. Probably both.
October 18, 2015: Wow, that was fast. Already received my first rejection from an agent. While she opted not to represent me/my novel, she must really respect me and my time; otherwise she would have drawn out the rejection process for weeks or months, or perhaps ignored my query letter altogether. Such prompt communication is a hopeful sign! Granted, the rejection came in the form of an auto-response email featuring the words ‘DO NOT REPLY’ in the subject line, but still, I believe good things lie ahead! Now where did I leave my Vicodin and my razor blades…
October 23, 2015: Received two more rejections today, one from an agent I didn’t even query, which is strange. Feeling a bit down, but nothing a little electroshock therapy and Red Bull won’t be able to fix. I keep reminding myself that Robert Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was rejected 121 times before being published, and my manuscript features a much cooler font than his did.
October 29, 2015: There is a God! I received a request from an agent asking to see the first three chapters of my novel! I danced around the house naked for two hours. I then received a request from my neighbor asking that I close the blinds the next time I decide to dance.
November 8, 2015: Received two more form letter rejections, but what do I care? I’m practically signed already. I almost feel sorry for these foolish agents who are rejecting me now, as I can foresee the tremendous anguish and remorse they’ll each suffer once my novel explodes onto the bestseller list. It’ll be hard for any of them to bounce back from such an err in judgment, from such a missed opportunity. Just ask the guy who almost signed The Beatles or The Rolling Stones or The Wiggles.
November 17, 2015: It’s happening! The agent who requested the first three chapters a couple of weeks ago just asked me to send her the remainder of my manuscript. I drank a bottle of champagne and defiantly danced naked in the window facing my aforementioned neighbor’s house. Nobody tells this soon-to-be bestselling author what to do, not even the cops who are walking up my driveway right this moment.
November 18, 2015: Recovering nicely from the taser burns I suffered at the hands of the police yesterday. Thankfully no charges were made against me. The lead officer was kind enough to let me off with a warning after I promised to dedicate my upcoming bestseller to his German Shepherd.
December 1, 2015: There must have been some sort of a mix-up. Maybe it’s just a practical joke. Today I received a rejection notification from the agent who had requested my full manuscript. When I called her office to get to the bottom of this, they told me she was out to lunch – all 23 times I called. She has also yet to respond to any of the 27 emails I sent her since receiving the rejection a few hours ago. I can’t think straight. I can’t feel my legs. I can’t remember if any of my friends own a gun, or what the penalty is for kidnapping.
December 2, 2015: The reality of my recent rejection – when I was just inches away from literary fame and wealth – has just started to set in. So has the severe gastrointestinal distress from eating seven pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream with Diazepam sprinkles on top. After I induce vomiting, I think I’ll take a nice warm bath with the toaster. Oh, wait a sec, I think I see the mailman outside, and he appears to be smiling. Mailmen can sense good news inside of envelopes! I bet the three he just stuck in my mailbox are from agents dying to sign me!
December 2, 2015: Nope. Turns out the three envelopes were: 1) a credit card offer; 2) a warning from the electric company about my past due bills; and 3) another rejection notification from an agent. The plan now is to use the new credit card to pay the electric company as well as to buy a one-way plane ticket to New York City, where I will hand-deliver a basket full of dead rodents to each of the literary agencies that have spurned me. While in the city, I plan to also visit the Empire State Building and see who makes it down from the observation deck faster – me or my unpublished novel. See you in hell, everybody! (Assuming I don’t get rejected there, too.)
NOTE: You’ll be relieved to know there have been no recent reports of anyone jumping or attempting to jump from the top of the Empire State Building. That said, the body of a man with an Oregon ID was recently found on a bench in Central Park, lying next to a half-eaten manuscript.
I’ve always believed astrology to be totally bunk, but the stars and planets recently aligned in such a way as to compel me to create the following Horoscope for Fiction Writers:
Aquarius. You are progressive-minded, original and independent, which means you will produce brilliant works of fiction that earn you next to nothing. This is really a shame, too, as you are also a humanitarian and would have used much of your wealth to help those in need, like refugees, orphans and other Aquarius authors.
Pisces. Your artistic nature and desire to escape reality make you an ideal candidate to be a novelist; however, your trustful nature and gentleness make you an ideal candidate to get completely screwed over by your agent and publisher. You despise being criticized and cannot tolerate any kind of cruelty, thus it’s probably a good idea to forget about writing and get a job as a Disney theme park character.
Aries. Your courage, confidence and determination are vital traits that will eventually land you the big book deal you’ve always dreamed of. Unfortunately, due to your severe dislike of inactivity and delays, there’s a 99-percent chance you will end up murdering at least three people at your publishing house while awaiting the release of your debut novel. The silver lining, though, is that a triple murder can do wonders for book sales, meaning you will likely end up just as wealthy as your meth kingpin cellmate.
Taurus. You are highly practical, which makes it hard for you to write about zombies, vampires, werewolves, wizards, distant worlds or anything else that appeals to readers. And though your books won’t sell, your patience and stubbornness will keep you churning out fiction until the day your spouse kills you for refusing to write a book about a zombie vampire wizard from outer space.
Gemini. Your aversion to being alone, being confined and following a routine means you have about as much chance of making it as a writer as Mel Gibson has at becoming a rabbi. However, you are highly adaptable and will soon realize your best bet at becoming an author is to date a Pisces, steal their book idea and identity, and then have them killed or sent to North Dakota.
Cancer. You have all the makings of a big-time novelist – tenacity, imagination, passion – but your dislike of strangers will cause you to occasionally spit on people at book signings. Naturally, this will make you increasingly unpopular with readers and compel you to seek Jonathan Franzen’s advice on how to deal with hate mail and death threats.
Leo. Your success as a fiction writer is almost guaranteed – not by your inherent strengths, but rather by your inherent weaknesses (arrogance, self-centeredness, stubbornness) and dislikes (being ignored, facing reality, not being treated like a king or queen). While your future is indeed bright, you will need to work hard to stifle your natural cheerfulness, a trait that could seriously jeopardize your chances of being accepted by the literary elite.
Virgo. Sorry Virgo. Due to your analytical, practical and kind nature, the only way you will succeed as a novelist is if you undergo electroshock therapy, get a lobotomy, or become possessed by fellow Virgo Stephen King. Unfortunately for you, Mr. King is legally still alive, thus you would have to wait for him to die and then hope he picks you to possess. Please note there is currently a very long waiting list.
Libra. You are cooperative, gentle and gracious, which means your only option as an author is to write children’s books. While kids and young parents will adore you, authors of adult fiction will not, so don’t be surprised when they don’t let you sit with them at writers’ conferences or when they tease you for being able to make a living off your books. Your only notable weakness is indecisiveness, thus you may very well suffer a mental breakdown while trying to choose whether to write your next book about a bunny or a kangaroo that lost its hop.
Scorpio. You are passionate, distrusting, sexual and violent. These four traits alone already rank you among the greatest writers of this or any generation despite the fact that you’ve yet to complete a book. If you can find a way to tone down your love of truth and facts, you’re a shoe-in for the short list of every major literary award in existence.
Sagittarius. Forget about being a writer. Your tendency to promise more than you can deliver and to say whatever is on your mind regardless of how it makes others feel should make you seriously consider becoming a literary agent instead. Of course, your disdain for clingy people and off-the-wall ideas could make working with authors a bit problematic, but at least you will have no problem telling them to their face how annoying and crazy they are while still assuring them you’ll find a good publisher for their ridiculous book.
Capricorn. You are a condescending know-it-all who always expects the worse, which is why I personally think we should be best friends. As for a writing career, you show real promise. Your dislike of everything means you could easily write page after page of emotionally charged content on virtually any topic, except for positive thinking. Despite your own potential, you will marry a Cancer and use his or her success and connections to pave the way to getting a huge book deal.
NOTE: There is no doubt each of the horoscope entries above is 100-percent accurate. If yours doesn’t closely describe you and your experiences up till this point in your life as an author, it’s certain your parents lied about when you were born.
I often fantasize about having the power to change the fabric of reality through writing. Fixing the world through fiction. I’m not talking merely about writing a novel that inspires humans to do better and stop posting cat videos. I’m talking about creating true magic with words, where what’s written on the page actually happens – instantly… or at least after a little sober editing. I certainly wouldn’t want reality duplicating something I wrote right after my fourth whiskey.
We’ve all at some point privately played the “If I could snap my fingers” game. What I’m describing is sort of the literary equivalent – thinking about what the world needs, or, more importantly, what I really want, then tapping it out on the keyboard to make it so. Oh, the problems I could solve. The peace I could achieve. The millions I could make.
So, what exactly would I write about if I were suddenly bestowed with the power to dictate reality via fiction? The following five novels would be tops on my to-do list:
1) Hands Free. A global virus destroys all cell phones and tablets, and forces human beings to relearn how to engage with the people sitting three feet away from them, as well as how to accelerate immediately after a traffic light turns green. Naturally, many people struggle to adjust, creating a huge opportunity for the homeless and the Amish, who end up getting filthy rich consulting to the general public on how to survive without personal digital devices.
2) Alla We Need Is Love.During a peace summit in Jerusalem, leaders from all factions of Islam, Judaism and Christianity realize they have a lot in common when a lunch of hummus, couscous, tabouli and falafel is served and everyone asks for seconds. Soon, everybody at the summit is eating and drinking and laughing together – poking fun at themselves and how much time and energy they’ve wasted trying to totally annihilate one another. It then dawns on them that they should band together and go after the North Koreans, as well as anyone anywhere who changes lanes or turns without signaling.
3) Disarmed.A giant meteor crashes into the middle of the US, killing no one but sending shock waves that alter the entire country’s collective brain chemistry and love of guns. The strange effects are noticed immediately after the meteor’s impact, as NRA members, violent criminals and public school students all suddenly lose interest in shooting anything or anyone and instead become obsessed with art, literature, philanthropy and Sudoku.
4) Scripture This. Jesus returns to earth in his spaceship to school his modern-day “devout” followers on the true meaning of his teachings. Unfortunately, his spaceship lands smack dab in the middle of The Bible Belt, where a mob of Evangelicals assume he is just a homeless terrorist based on his appearance and thus try to kill him. This pisses Jesus off. Instead of him following through with his plan to calmly show the people how to be more loving, forgiving, gentle, charitable and humble, he opens up a god-like can of whoop-ass – setting fire to all the stadium-sized mega-churches in the region and afflicting all the hate-mongering racists and homophobes with a super-strain of syphilis. Before departing, he creates a new bumper sticker that quickly becomes all the rage: “What would Jesus do? Now you know, biatch.”
5) The New Ballers.Soon after the first female President of the Unite States is elected, she flashes Congress her breasts to distract them while she enacts a law prohibiting any professional athlete from earning more than $40,000 a year. The billions of dollars this frees up is then split evenly among teachers, social workers, farmers, nurses, non-profit employees, stay-at-home parents, and, of course, authors.
Which of the above titles would you be most likely to read? Which one(s) would you be most likely to burn? Which one(s) just got me uninvited to Christmas dinner? Share in the ‘Comments’ section below.