While it’s recommended the general public avoid engaging in discourse with fiction writers (for safety reasons), it simply isn’t possible to avoid all interactions with them—especially since so many fiction writers today are working as waiters and telemarketers.
In the event you find yourself face-to-face or phone-to-phone with a fiction writer, the most important thing to remember is he or she is full of shit. Fiction writers’ entire lives are built on a foundation of fantasy and fabrications. However, that doesn’t mean your conversations with them can’t be rich and meaningful. To help you, I’ve put together an FWTG (or “Fiction Writer Translation Guide” for those of you who aren’t familiar with the acronym I just made up). The FWTG contains a list of common phrases used by fiction writers in everyday conversation, along with what these writers really mean when they use them.
Following are a few excerpts from the FWTG, the full version of which is due out never.
"I'm an author." Translation: “Ask me about my book(s), then go buy my book(s).”
"I'm an indie author." Translation: “I've been rejected by over 100 literary agents. Still, you should go buy my self-published book(s).”
“I’m a full-time author.” Translation: “I have a trust fund, so it doesn’t really matter if you buy my books.”
"I'm really excited about this new novel I'm working on." Translation: “I've got a killer title and am just waiting for the rest to come to me."
"Sales of my novel have been steady." Translation: “My mother got three members of her bridge club to buy my book last month.”
"I’m taking a little break from my manuscript to let the story ripen in my mind." Translation: “I recently started binge-watching every show on Hulu and Netflix.”
"A few literary agents have shown interest in my manuscript." Translation: “One agent sent me a personalized rejection note rather than just a form letter.”
"Hi, it's been a while—how have you been?" Translation: “Have you bought my latest book yet?”
"Oh, you liked my book? That's very kind of you to say." Translation: “Don't just tell me, write a review on Amazon.”
"Sorry, I won't be able to make it. I'll be working on my novel that night." Translation: “I don’t really like you and would sooner lie about working on my novel than hang out with you.”
"People have compared my style to Hemingway's." Translation: “I'm often drunk.”
"My latest book is going to be a best seller." Translation: “I'm drunk right now.”
"I'm in between projects." Translation: “I'm suffering from writer's block and am currently contemplating suicide, or getting a job in retail.”
“I wrote two thousand words today.” Translation: “Tomorrow I’ll be deleting all the nonsense I typed today.”
“I have an award-winning novel.” Translation: “I own a copy of ‘Life of Pi.”
“I’ve never really liked [name of mutual acquaintance].” Translation: “I’m going to kill [name of mutual acquaintance] in my next book.”
“Writing is my life.” Translation: “I’m severely lacking in social skills.”
That’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed the above post. Feel free to wander around the rest of my website. (Translation: “I need a drink. If you didn’t laugh out loud while reading this piece, there’s something wrong with you. Now go buy my book before I come after you.”)
If you’ve ever wanted to try your hand at writing a novel, or if you’re an author who’s simply out of ideas, you might actually want to read this post.
I’m giving away story openings for free. Why? Because my head is flooded with them and I need to unload some to make room in my brain for more important things, like how to make a proper Vodka Collins, or remembering where the hell I left my car keys.
Some may wonder why I don’t just save all the story openings for myself in case I want to use them eventually. Don’t worry, I have an exceedingly hyperactive mind that generates new novel openings and ideas every minute I’m awake, and every second I’m asleep. In fact, I just came up with the first two openings listed below while writing this sentence.
So feel free to grab one of the following rip-roaring writing prompts and add just a few hundred pages to it. We can talk about what percentage of your royalties I’m entitled to later, after your novel becomes a best seller. You’re welcome!
1) As he was finishing up a lap in the pool, Zack heard a loud splash in front of him and smelled gasoline. He looked and saw his red Samsonite suitcase in flames, bobbing on the surface of the water. That’s when he knew it was over.
2) “I’ll take one chocolate-dipped and one maple-glazed.” These were the first words I’d spoken in seven years.
3) The groom looked at his lovely bride lying prone at the altar and asked himself, “Why is it nobody ever has a snake venom kit at these things?” 4) There’s a time for laughter and a time for dying. For Evelyn, it was a time for both. 5) “I don’t recall stealing any helicopters,” Angel told the detective. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must tend to the goats.” 6) “You have absolutely no reason to worry about exposure to the toxic chemicals unleashed by the explosion,” the stranger in the black Bentley told Carmichael. “You’ve been dead for three days.” 7) Benjamin got out of the minivan to fill it with gas and smiled through the window at the little boy in the back seat. It wasn’t until he’d swiped his debit card and inserted the pump nozzle into the fuel tank that Benjamin remembered he didn’t have any kids. Nor did he own a minivan. 8) My sister was a real son-of-a-bitch back when she was my brother. 9) Chloe stepped onto her balcony, careful not to spill her tea, and inhaled the glorious morning. “Garrett,” she called back into the bedroom, “come join me. Don’t you just love it when the moon and the earth appear in the sky at the same time?”
10) “You really want to know how my sister ended up President of the United States and I ended up in here?” Xanthia asked the woman in the damp cell next to hers. “It’s simple. I lost a coin toss.”
That’s all of my story starters for now. It’s time for you to take one (or two, you magnificently ambitious bastard) and run with it. Or if you prefer, you can share one of your own rip-roaring story openings in the “Comments” section below.
Some may call this piece a confessional. Others may call it a cry for help. I call it Bernadette. I like to name all of my blog posts.
That's just one of the freaky things I do as a writer. There are many more.
That shouldn’t come as a total shock. A massive study on mental illness and creativity by renowned psychiatrist Dr. Arnold Ludwig found that nearly 80 percent of fiction writers are out of their f*cking minds. (I’m paraphrasing, of course. What Dr. Ludwig actually concluded from the study was that 80 percent of fiction writers are crazier than a bag of rabid wolverines.)
I guess the fact that I’m aware of my odd writer habits and idiosyncrasies means I mustn’t be too loony. Still, it probably isn’t safe for me to stop channeling my deceased former therapist for weekly sessions just yet.
Enough of this nonsense. Following is a list of some of the weird stuff I do as a writer:
Book-on-book action. I like to take a copy of one of my own novels, slide it between two really famous novels on my bookshelf, and then just sit back and take it all in. Sometimes I’ll even place my novel on top of a classic. There’s nothing sexual about it; it’s just fun to see The Exit Man acting like it belongs in the same company as The Brothers Karamazov and The Sun Also Rises. I get off on it. So, I guess there is something sexual about it. Maybe tonight I’ll slide The Exit Man between something by Zadie Smith and something by Clarice Lispector.
Post-it Note mania. Be it an idea for a whole new novel or just a tidbit to add to an existing one, when anything writing-related pops into my head, it immediately gets written down on a Post-it Note and stuck to my writing desk or some object lying on it, such as my printer, lamp or cat. (I realize it would make more sense to jot down such ideas and notes in a Word doc or in the ‘Notes’ app on my iPhone, but I’ve always found making sense to be overrated. It’s why I’m a fiction writer.) To make sure my cleaning lady doesn’t remove any of the dozens of yellow sticky notes on or around my writing desk, and doesn’t steal any of the ideas on the sticky notes, I’ve had her sign a “consent not to clean” form for that area of my house, as well as a non-disclosure agreement.
Killing you softly. Whenever I have to name a character who is going to die painfully in whatever book I’m working on, I’ll think back to the people who’ve picked on me or pissed me off the most in my life, or that morning, and voilà. I use only their first name to protect the person’s identity, and myself from a lawsuit. If it’s a highly unique first name – one that I feel would too easily reveal the character’s namesake – I’ll use some variation of the name. Like if Cher ever really insulted or irked me, I’d name the doomed character “Cheryl” or, if the character happened to be a stripper, Cherry.
Increasingly frequent positive reinforcement. Unlike with more traditional jobs, being an author means you have no real boss to provide you with incentives and rewards. Sure, hearing from readers is positive reinforcement in itself, but that’s assuming you have readers and that they like your work. It’s a big if. To ensure I get the reinforcement I need, I give myself little treats whenever I achieve certain goals and objectives. The trouble is, I’ve found I’ve lowered the bar a bit in recent years. Where I used to allow myself a light snack or a cocktail if I wrote a thousand words in one sitting, now I allow myself to eat a whole rotisserie chicken and down half a fifth of vodka just for completing a single paragraph containing fewer than five typos. The other day I properly used the word “nonplussed” in my manuscript and ended up having to see my chiropractor for injuries sustained while patting myself on the back too enthusiastically.
Barnes & Giggle. Okay, I haven’t yet done this one, but I’ve considered it, which is weird enough. Here’s how it would go: I’d bring a copy of my own novel into a Barnes & Noble (which doesn’t carry my book on its shelves; only online) and start laughing hysterically as I pretended to read it in a crowded area, like near the chocolate caramel tarts in the café. Upon seeing me so uncontrollably entertained, several people would end up asking me, “Whatcha reading?” Not wanting to be rude, I’d tell them the title and mention that I got the last copy in the store (“This book is just flying off the shelves!”), but I’d point out they can get the customer service clerk to order them their own copy, and that not doing so would be a great disservice to themselves. This would be a risky and humiliating venture were I a well-known author who someone might recognize. Fortunately, my writing has earned me little to no fame and thus nobody would have any clue who the hell I am.
If, after reading this post, you’re thinking, "This stuff isn't all that weird," then I'm afraid I have some bad news for you: You're a writer.
A few months ago, I posted a piece titled “My 25 Favorite Quotes About Writing.” I’ve deluded myself into thinking thousands of you enjoyed that post and are now hungry for more heady, witty quotes from dead people (mostly).
This time around, however, the focus of the quotes is on reading rather than writing. I figured this would have an even broader appeal than the previous post, seeing as how almost everybody is a reader (of sorts), while – based on the spelling and grammar I see in tweets and Facebook posts – only about 0.083 percent of people are writers.
Sorry, that last line was uncalled for. But then again, so is the existence of my entire blog.
So, without further insults or hostility, here are 25 of my favorite quotes about reading:
1) “There's so much more to a book than just the reading.” –Maurice Sendak
2) “There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book.” –Marcel Proust
3) “The reading of all good books is like a conversation with the finest minds of past centuries.” –Rene Descartes
4) “He that loves reading has everything within his reach.” –William Godwin
5) “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.” –Jerry Seinfield
6) "The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." –Dr. Seuss
7) “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” –Henny Youngman
8) “We shouldn't teach great books; we should teach a love of reading.” –B. F. Skinner
9) “Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours.” –John Locke
10) “Who I am, what I am, is the culmination of a lifetime of reading, a lifetime of stories. And there are still so many more books to read. I'm a work in progress.” –Sarah Addison Allen
11) “Never judge a book by its movie.” –J.W. Eagan
12) "A book, too, can be a star, explosive material, capable of stirring up fresh life endlessly, a living fire to lighten the darkness, leading out into the expanding universe." –Madeleine L'Engle
13) "If the crowns of all the kingdoms of Europe were laid down at my feet in exchange for my books and my love of reading, I would spurn them all." –François Fénelon
14) “Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.” – Mason Cooley
15) "The first time I read an excellent book, it is to me just as if I had gained a new friend. When I read over a book I have perused before, it resembles the meeting with an old one." –Oliver Goldsmith
16) "No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting." –Lady M. W. Montagu
17) “Children are made readers on the laps of their parents.” –Emilie Buchwald
18) “Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.” –Frederick Douglass
19) “Through literacy you can begin to see the universe. Through music you can reach anybody. Between the two there is you, unstoppable.” –Grace Slick
20) “Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.” –Groucho Marx
21) “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” –Groucho Marx
22) “Reading is a discount ticket to everywhere.” –Mary Schmich
23) “A writer only begins a book. A reader finishes it.” –Samuel Johnson
24)“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” –P.J. O'Rourke
25) “You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.” –Ray Bradbury
How about you? Yeah, you. Do you have a favorite quote (or two) about reading that you’d like to share? (Don’t worry if you can’t think of one off the top of your head; you can just google “great quotes about reading” and you’ll find a ton. That’s all I did.)
As an author of dark fiction, I’ve learned a thing or three about how to cleverly and discreetly kill a person. I’ve written about these things in vivid detail for public consumption. I'm in the midst of writing my third novel, and I’m already responsible for nearly two dozen murders in it. And in my last book, The Exit Man, even more people than that died at my writing hand.
If anything ever were to happen to my beloved wife or beautiful daughter or loving parents or a close friend, and foul play was suspected, I would be absolutely devastated. I’d likely also be a prime suspect, especially if the real culprit did a bang-up job and left behind no evidence.
Many people who’ve read The Exit Man (oh just let me pretend many people have read it) have joked with my wife, saying things like, “I hope Greg knows that if you die, the cops will be coming after him.” Don’t worry, I know. I’ve even thought about sending a copy of the novel to the police with a note stating, “This is a work of fiction. Any homicide that may occur to anyone I know and that resembles a homicide in this or any other book I write is purely coincidental and highly unfortunate.” You know, a sort of preemptive strike proclaiming my innocence.
Some may wonder, based on my penchant for transgressive fiction, if I really am all that innocent. Why am I constantly hunting people down and rubbing them out on the written page? Is that not a sign of a potentially dangerous man? No, it’s not. It’s the sign of a man who lacks the bravado and resolve to perform the same dastardly acts he has his imaginary friends carry out. I keep telling my wife that, but it doesn’t stop her from occasionally sleeping in the other room.
I realize I have only myself and my muse to blame for my predicament, but that won’t stop me from asking for a little mercy. If you are reading this and are even the slightest bit homicidal, I kindly ask that you leave my friends and loved ones alone. I just don’t think I could handle both the emotional devastation AND the legal hassle, not to mention the potential damage to my reputation as a writer of fiction. In fact, if you feel you simply have to commit murder, please don’t do it anywhere near me or anyone I know – just to be on the safe side.