The eleven people who bought my first novel, Notes on an Orange Burial, may recall it was about a struggling and rather unstable poet (is there any other kind?) named Jona Gold. While most readers and reviewers found the title a tad ambiguous and, ironically, not very poetic, most laughed out loud at least once while reading the book (and not just at the typos). In fact, Notes on anOrange Burial won the award for 'Funniest Novel about a Struggling and Rather Unstable Poet Named Jona Gold.' Not to brag.
I’ve been so busy promoting my latest novel, I’ve inadvertently abandoned my firstborn book. As a sort of apology to my baby, I’m featuring in this post what nine of the eleven people who read Notes on an Orange Burial said was their favorite part – or parts, really. Throughout the novel, Jona receives several rejection letters from publishers who aren’t interested in his manuscript of postmodern poetry. However, the rejection letters do not appear as the publishers wrote them, but rather as the delusional Jona interprets them. And trust me, the power of a poet’s selective perception’ is mighty.
So without further ado, here are Jona’s rejection letters (pulled straight from the novel), as perceived by the peculiar poet himself:
Dear Mr. Gold,
Thank you very much for the recent submission of your poetry chapbook, Notes on an Orange Burial. While we appreciate the effort that went into your work, we will not be able to accept it for publication at this time. Please do not be overly discouraged by this news as we are a rather unimportant publishing company that, more often than not, is unable to distinguish between an inspired piece of verse and a barroom limerick featuring scatological leitmotifs. I cannot over-emphasize enough the insignificance of our opinion, and hope that you realize how talented you truly are.
We at BlackStone recommend that you do not rip up this rejection letter in anger. We feel it would be much wiser for you to wait until you are offered the post of U.S. Poet Laureate some day in the not too distant future, and to then urinate directly on this letter in front of close friends and family at your acceptance celebration.
Once again, thank you for thinking of BlackStone Publishers. And please remember, our entire editorial staff is inbred.
Regards, Robert Gluck Senior Editor --------------------------------------------------- Dear Jona,
We at Rain and Shadow Press would like to thank you for submitting your book of verse, Notes on an Orange Burial, for publication consideration. Unfortunately, we find that the work exhibits stunning innovation in both subject matter and technique and therefore does not fit in well with the trite, unimaginative verse we have prided ourselves on publishing for what feels like decades.
Perhaps if your work had featured a half-dozen hackneyed pieces on love and life’s meaning, or if your father had been a famous drunken bard who had unprotected sex with our founder at some fabled cocktail party, we could consider passing your book on to the second phase of the acceptance process. As things stand, we have consciously chosen to be among the scores of other publishing houses that will collectively slash their wrists upon learning they could have signed one of the finest poets of our time.
We wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors, and look forward to you buying our company some day and then two days later selling it to a powerful crack magnate out of spite.
Sincerely, Susan Babcock Editor ---------------------------------------------------
Dear Jona,
Why somebody of your unparalleled poetic caliber would even consider submitting such an important volume to such a struggling and second-rate publishing house is baffling. Myself and the other fading editor here figure you must have addressed your manuscript to us in error while under the influence of some powerful dental anesthetic or children’s breakfast cereal.
In any event, we are very respectfully declining to publish the soon-to-be classic Notes on an Orange Burial, as we would rather not have to deal with the paralyzing sense of loss that would inevitably result when one of the elite and mighty publishing houses swoops down and steals you away from us.
However, if by chance you have an accident or a sudden stroke that causes your dazzling writing skills to diminish, feel free to submit your future work to Blue Canon. Until then, please refrain from so egregiously lowering your standards and teasing us. We do have feelings, despite what the poetry we publish may suggest.
Sincerely, Jacob Houseman Editor ---------------------------------------------------
Dear Jona,
Let me start by saying that, each day at SubVersive Press, we all form a circle around your manuscript to toss flowers, precious stones, rare coins, and assorted dark Belgian chocolates on top of it.
Unfortunately, nobody here is prepared to make the dramatic change in lifestyle that would be required if we were to publish such a groundbreaking volume. You see, our house has always prided itself on being scrappy and a little rough around the edges. By publishing Notes On An Orange Burial (notice how we’ve capitalized even the preposition and article in your title out of reverence), we would be thrust into the industry limelight overnight and, as a result, would no doubt begin to receive visits from important figures who would expect us to wear shoes in the office.
We realize the fame and prestige we are forfeiting, but we feel it is the right thing to do to maintain our company’s distinct culture. You will be happy to know, however, that we have designated August 26th (the date we received your stunning submission) as annual “Orange Burial Day.” Starting next year, we will celebrate this day by adorning our offices with rotting fruit and giving a prize to the employee who brings in the most majestic animal carcass.
Yours Truly, Elizabeth Brooks Publisher --------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Gold:
We are very much impressed by the dynamic scope and skill demonstrated in many of your poems, but we feel your true power and mystique as a poet won’t be fully marketable to the reading public until after your death. Myself and the other editors here are aware you are quite a young man, and you may not die for decades to come, which is why we would like to suggest suicide as a viable option. We can think of no better or more legal way to help speed up the publishing process and your resultant entrance into the annals of literary fame.
To be clear, we merely are suggesting suicide; we are by no means requiring it, nor are we trying to force the idea upon you. We certainly would never have even made the suggestion if we thought you weren't already prone to an overdose or self-asphyxiation (based on your countless allusions to and images of decay, drowning, wilting, and rain).
We do realize by taking your life before your book is published, you will never get to see the book in print nor help to choose the cover art. If it is any consolation, the joy and sense of purpose you would no doubt feel if you were to get to see your first book of poems published would more than likely have a detrimental effect on your artistically nihilistic perspective and, thus, render you unable to write anything other than love poems or scripts for coffee commercials. So, as we hope you will come to realize, yours is a rather clear case of better off dead.
Warm regards, Henry Fasserman Editor in Chief --------------------------------------------------
If you dare to learn more about Jona and/or Notes on an Orange Burial, you can do so here.
Aside from the very low probability of financial success, the extreme isolation, the chronic back and neck problems, the continuous eye strain, and constantly getting pushed to the brink of insanity by words or the lack thereof, being an author is a blessing.
So in the spirit of Thanksgiving (or as it’s referred to by people in every country outside the United States – “Thursday”), here’s a list of the things I’m most thankful for as an author: Discerning Human Resources professionals. I’ll be forever thankful for all the HR managers who had the good sense NOT to hire me for the various traditional office jobs I’ve applied for over the years. Were it not for those savvy professionals, I might have ended up in a nice office or large cubicle and with a handsome salary, thus destroying my creative spirit and interfering with my ability to struggle nobly to make rent.
My college Calculus professor. If I could remember that miserable professor’s name, I would contact him to thank him personally for killing my early love of math and setting me on a new path – one lined with letters and words rather than equations that filled me with the urge to cut myself… and class.
Spell check. I’m very thankful for spell check for catching the most glaring typos in my manuscripts and ensuring that editors, reviewers and readers think I’m much sharper than I actually am. But damn it, spell check, you need to find a way to catch not only completely misspelled words but also correctly spelled words that have no business being in a given sentence. C’mon, spell check, I know your butter than that – their is definitely room for improvement they’re.
The Interweb. Were it not for the World Wide Net, I wouldn’t be able to produce this blog, promote and sell my novels online, connect with readers and other writers via social sites, or send Chuck Palahniuk love letters via his author page.
My thesaurus. Having immediate access to a resource filled with synonyms helps make my stories seem more vibrant, dynamic, lively, spirited, electrifying, vivacious, zesty and zippy. Thank you , thank you, thank you, thesaurus – without you my life and writing would be shit, shite, crap, poop, excrement, dung, fecal matter and number two.
Print-on-demand (POD). Any indie author who isn’t thankful for print-on-demand technology is a jerk, a dolt, a fool, a twit, a bounder and an ingrate. (Thank you again, thesaurus.) POD enables indie scribes to make paperback versions of their book available without having to ask rich relatives for an early inheritance to pay the up-front printing costs for the thousands of copies they hope to sell but won’t.
Professional proofreaders/editors. As I alluded to earlier, I writer cannot live on spell check alone. Thank goodness for professional proofreaders and editors – with their fresh eyes and their ability to spot typos, grammar gaffes, redundancies, flat characters and terrible plot twists from a mile away. True, the good ones aren’t cheap, but as a writer you need to look at their fee as the cost of not coming off like a complete moron to the entire world – or at least to the six people who buy your book.
Cover designers. If I had to design my own book covers, readers would assume they were created by a third-grader with a learning disability or by a professional boxer. Some writers have a solid grasp of graphic design and illustration. Not I. Tasking me with a graphic design project is the same as tasking me with building a space shuttle. Thus, I thank the publishing gods every day for talented individuals for whom book cover design isn’t rocket science.
My family and friends. If it weren’t for my family, sales of my novels would be cut in half. I’m especially thankful for my wife, whose patience, encouragement and real job have enabled me to continue on my author path. I’m also very thankful for my daughter, who fuels my creativity and inspires me to sell more books so I can almost afford her private school. And of course, my friends, without whom I’d have a pitiful number of ‘likes’ on my Facebook author page.
Other authors. Whether it be the famed writers who’ve influenced and inspired me, or my colleagues who continue to fight the good fight despite what their bank account and the math behind book publishing and royalties tells them, I am sincerely thankful for other authors – just not those whose names rhyme with “C.L. Hames” or “Bephanie Dwyer.” Some people complain, “There are too many books out there,” and, “Everyone’s a writer these days.” True, but as a writer that’s great, as most of the books are awful and thus make your own works look readable. As for the “everyone’s a writer” remark, it’s better than “everyone’s a child molester” or “everyone’s a Kardashian.”
My readers. Last but certainly not least, a thousand thanks to my readers – that’s roughly 100 thanks per reader. Some writers claim they write simply because they love the craft and don’t really care if anyone actually reads their work. I’m not one of those writers. While I do love the craft, I also feel that writing without readers is like mumbling to yourself on a park bench or talking to my wife while she’s watching ‘Sex and the City’ reruns. I love knowing my words are being voluntarily absorbed and understood by other human beings. I love it even more if those words engage and entertain those human beings and compel them to tell other human beings, “You HAVE to read this guy’s stuff or we can’t be friends anymore.” Feel free to go do that now. I’d be very thankful.
Happy (early) Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it.Happy next Thursday to those who don’t.
As an author of fiction, it’s often necessary to kill. I can do it with just a few taps on my laptop keyboard. While literary killing is simple from a tactical standpoint, sometimes it’s just as painful for the writer as it is for the character who’s getting offed. I’ve had to destroy characters I love and whom I know some of my readers love. Committing murder can be a real bitch.
It can also be a ton of fun and highly cathartic. We writers have the sadistic and twisted tendency to occasionally base a character – however minor – on someone in real life who pissed us off enough to get shot, stabbed, run over or beaten to death on the printed page. And the best part is, we always get away with it.
Here are just a few reasons (there are plenty more) why one day I might just have to kill you in a book:
You make me miss a light because you were texting in your car. I’m stopped at a red light, three or four cars back, certain to make it through the next green light. However, you’re in one of the cars in front of me – too busy texting your friend about how much you hate traffic, and you fail to realize it’s time to accelerate. By the time you do, the light has rapidly moved to yellow and then to red, as has my complexion. Rather than honk you to death, I decide to make your demise more painful and public by literally (albeit literarily) eviscerating you in some future chapter.
You don’t bother to hold the door open for me in an obvious hold-the-door-open situation. I’m walking mere steps behind you heading into the gym, but you feel that the minor physical effort required to keep the door ajar for a stranger might ever so slightly hinder your performance in your Pilates class. Thus, you scoot through and allow the door to shut in my face, thereby sealing your fate. Maybe if you had known I was a writer – one with anger management issues to boot – you would have displayed some common courtesy and, as a result, would not now be staring certain fictional death in the face.
Every time you see me, you tell me you want to buy my book… but never do. The first rule of not buying my book is don’t talk about buying my book. I get it, deep down (or maybe even straight up) you don’t like me and/or my writing, or you don’t have time to or know how to read. Fine. Then just do us a both a favor and don’t even mention my novel. I won’t be the slightest bit irked or offended. If you don’t actually look forward to reading what I’ve written, just shhhhhh. Or die in my next book.
You break my daughter’s heart.It’s really such a shame – the boy who recently and callously broke up with my 14 year-old daughter had his whole life ahead of him. And he’ll probably die twice, as my daughter is quite the budding writer herself.
You bring 20 items to the “10 items or less” lane. This is an act that, while rather common and seemingly innocuous, cannot continue to go unpunished. Before we know it, express lane grocery clerks will start to turn a blind eye to 30 items and then to 40 items, at which point society as we know it will inevitably crumble. I’ll let you go as far as 15 items, but after that, you greatly increase your risk of dying in a sudden explosion I force into one of my plots.
The grammar and punctuation featured in your Facebook posts are atrocious. And since you post far too often, you’re constantly burning a hole into my retinas and my soul with your improper use of “its” and it’s” and “your” and you’re” and “their,” “there” and “they’re” – not to mention your total disregard for commas and periods. Sure, I could just de-friend you, but it’s much more satisfying to make you suffer an untimely demise at the hands of one of my more sinister characters.
You’re my neighbor and do nothing to stop your dog’s incessant barking. Your canine hates you for keeping him chained to a tree all day and night. Luckily for you, your dog doesn’t have the ability to write. Unluckily for you, I do – and I have every intention of creating a world in which your dog – now rabid from a raccoon bite – goes Cujo on your ass. In this world I create, your neighbors all come running to your backyard… not to rescue you, rather to stand behind the fence and cheer on the mad dog.
Please note the above blurbs are not just idle threats of fictional killing. I’m currently working on a dystopian novel (set slightly in the future) about a man who works for a secret US agency in charge of population control, and whose job is to help “thin the herd” on a daily basis. He’s constantly on the lookout for common citizens behaving badly. And thus so am I. (Insert sound of maniacal author laughter here.)
Naturally, every author wants everyone to read everything they’ve ever written – or at least everything they’ve ever written that’s for sale. And while I certainly want as many people as possible to buy and read my latest novel, The Exit Man, I don’t want anyone with an elevated risk of not enjoying the book to waste their time and money. I’m thoughtful and noble like that.
So, rather than brag about how incredibly unique and captivating and intriguing and entertaining The Exit Man is, I’ve made a list of reasons why you may NOT want to buy my amazing book:
1) There’s not a single zombie, vampire, wizard, werewolf or overly explicit erotic scene. There were tons, but they all got edited out during the final proofing process since it was decided they did little to advance the plot.
2) The book is 99.9% text. Considering we now live in a Facebook/Instagram/Pinterest-centric society, I’m not sure WHAT I was thinking creating an almost entirely text-based piece of work – and a rather lengthy one at that. Like 300,000 characters long. I guess it’s true what they say – writers be crazy. That all said, the book does feature a cover image and even a few cool tone-setting pics that precede the start of the actual story, but after that, it’s all letters and words and paragraphs.
3) There is no audio book version available. Trust me, I get it. You have a job and kids and a drinking problem and a Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest account – all of which demand your attention for most of your waking life. You have neither the time nor energy to read. Unfortunately, reading is currently the only way to experience my novel, unless your significant other or hired escort doesn’t mind reading you to sleep each night. I have considered making my novel available as an audio book, but James Earl Jones charges way too much for his voice services, and Dame Judy Dench’s people have yet to return my calls. There is still hope though, as I am currently in talks with Gilbert Gottfried’s agent.
4) You are a little unstable, and the book mentions suicide a lot. I’m not judging – all humans, by their very nature, are a quite unstable… with the exception of Ryan Gosling, who really seems to have his sh*t together. We are the only creatures completely conscious of our inevitable death. That kind of knowledge will mess a person up, for sure. The protagonist of my novel is a rogue euthanasia specialist (is there any other kind?) who utilizes a very clean and painless method to help his terminally ill clients exit this world humanely and with dignity. If you, the reader, are suffering from any kind of existential angst or psychosis – and you are – this book might end up being a lot more suggestive than intended. I don’t have time for any legal battles with the surviving members of your family – I’m too busy writing my next disturbing yet poignant dark comedy.
5) I’ll probably just spend the money on drugs. Years of sitting on my ass writing has been hell on my lower back, and decades of being fully conscious of my imminent death has been hell on my hypothalamus. Thus, any funds earned from my latest novel will likely go toward muscle relaxants, pain pills and/or anti-anxiety meds. So, unless you are okay with supporting my dangerous habits (narcotics AND writing), better just to stay away from my book. Or just wait until it's available for free or at a severely discounted price after I’m institutionalized.
I realize many of you don’t like doing what you’re told and will go ahead and buy my novel despite my above disclaimers. Well, far be it from me to stand in your way. Hell, I’ll even be a good sport about it and provide you with a link to the book’s Amazon page.
There's no need for a lengthy preamble to this post. The title is pretty self-explanatory. There is, however, a need for a light warning... Warning: The following content may be unsuitable for those who are sensitive to snark, bothered by barbs, or allergic to acidic quips.
agent: One of a handful of people on this planet permitted to enter the office of, make eye contact with, and occasionally even speak directly to an actual publisher.
Amazon. An immensely successful business that is wanted for the murder of thousands of innocent bookstores.
author (of fiction): A writer who is much more comfortable with imaginary people than with people who take up actual physical space and oxygen.
author (of nonfiction): A writer who is at least somewhat in touch with reality but who has a strange perversion for creating proposals and outlines.
bestseller: A book that contains one or more of the following characters: a zombie, a vampire, a werewolf, a wizard, a warlock, a nymphomaniac, a mass murderer, a hitman, an international spy – and preferably one character who is all of these things. Or, any book written by an A-list celebrity. Or, any book written by a B-list or C-list or D-list celebrity who recently released a sex tape.
book: A small rectangular or square object comprised of pages filled with text intended to help people forget about the devastating things they see on reality TV.
classic: A word that authors gleefully mutter whenever they witness a renowned colleague tripping on stage while accepting the Pen Faulkner Award.
crime fiction: A genre of writing that provides a somewhat healthy outlet for authors who would otherwise be institutionalized.
draft: The cold rush of air felt by a writer upon first reading the manuscript edits provided by his or her editor.
ebook: A reading implement designed for people who have a severe aversion to paper cuts, dog-ears and bookshelves.
erotica: A genre of writing that features more than one climax.
fantasy: What anyone who thinks they can make a living as an author is stuck in.
fiction: What every writer creates whenever answering the question, “How are sales of your book going?”
graphic novel: A comic book for people who have matured beyond comic books.
historical fiction: A genre of writing that prominently highlights events nobody really cared about even back when they actually happened.
horror: A word that commonly follows the words “oh the” after an author receives his or her first royalty check.
indie author: Just like an indie musician but with a larger vocabulary, fewer fans and no skinny jeans.
literary fiction: What ALL fiction used to be back when authors wrote at real writing desks rather than at Starbucks’ tables, and when they drank scotch rather than Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappucinos.
literature: The pamphlets that desperate authors pass out on the street and in coffee shops in hopes of getting someone to buy their damn book.
manuscript: What writers burn to stay warm once their heat is turned off.
mystery: The only way to describe the huge success of E L James and Stephenie Meyer.
non-fiction: The truth as misremembered by a writer.
novel: Something writers claim to be working on in order to justify their current lack of productivity and success in any other area of their lives.
publisher: A gatekeeper to the literary world, which, oddly enough, no longer even has a fence around it.
query letter: An author’s formal written request for a rejection notification.
rejection notification: Official proof that a literary agent or publisher has acknowledged a writer’s existence but not his or her ability.
royalty. 1. Money that is spent a thousand times over before a writer receives it. 2. What you have to be in order to get a decent book deal these days.
science fiction: Writing that becomes historical fiction after enough time has passed.
self-publishing: A bold and daring way for zealous authors to release books for their parents to read.
short story: A novel that isn’t tall enough to ride this ride.
thriller: A genre of writing that substitutes plot with pistol play, character development with car chases, and eloquence with explosions.
true crime: The fact that traditionally published authors get to keep only 10% of the earnings from the sales of a book they wrote 100% by themselves.
writer: A person who, along with an actor, is the driving force behind the waiting and bartending fields.
YA: The best way to define YA (pronounced 'why a') is to use it in a sentence: “YA book has to be written for tots, tweens and teens to have a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding these days is beyond me.”
NOTE: This glossary is a living, growing entity – unlike most authors’ careers. Feel free to add some of your own relevant and devilish definitions in the “Comments” area below.