As a writer, nothing scares me more than being unoriginal. Death comes in a close second. So you can imagine how frightened I am of dying an unoriginal death.
I try not to think too much about death – unless I’m awake. When I do, I like to fantasize about the most honorable and worthwhile ways for a writer to go out. I’m dying to share them with you:
Getting trampled by obsessed fans at a book signing. Painful and possibly bloody, yes, but what a way to finish – knowing you were violently adored by your readers. Ideally, the writer would be in their eighties or nineties when the trampling occurs. That way there would be less suffering not only for the writer (due to their already diminished physical condition), but also for the fans, who could take solace in the fact they didn’t cut short a brilliant and burgeoning career. For example, it would be sort of cool if Tom Wolfe (85 years old next week) got trampled by fans during a book signing, but rather lamentable if Gillian Flynn (45 years old) did.
Suffering a heart attack from the excitement of having just written the final line of a great (or even just a good) novel. Can you say “guaranteed best seller?” That’s what a writer who perished in this manner would have on their cold, dead hands. Sure, as the recently deceased writer, it would suck to not be able to experience the hype and hoopla surrounding the book, but then there wouldn’t be said hype and hoopla without the aforementioned dying. In order to achieve the level of fame we’re talking about here, a perfectly timed death is just something the writer would have to live with.
Spontaneously combusting during a bout of excessive creativity. There’s nothing like being in the “writing zone,” where all your synapses are firing and every sentence pouring onto the page is a diamond. The trouble is it’s impossible to remain in the zone for more than a few hours, and the fall from such dizzying artistic heights is painful. What writer wouldn’t love to suddenly burst into a ball of flames before such a plummet could occur? To literally blow up from the blistering heat of their own words and imagination. I’m not saying I’ve ever approached 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s cremation hot) while writing, but I have purchased a fire-retardant laptop just in case. I mean, what a shame it would be to lose whatever I was working on at the time of combustion.
Dying of shock after receiving an acceptance notice from a literary agent. It’s getting harder and harder to land a lit agent these days, so getting an acceptance notice from one is a huge deal worthy of celebration and cardiac arrest. For most writers, everything that comes after finding an agent is anticlimactic – a lackluster publishing deal, disappointing sales, a forgotten book – so they shouldn’t feel bad at all if they die right after finding out they’ve found representation. It’s going out on a high note.
Getting murdered by a fan furious over the fact you killed off one of their favorite characters. This may not seem like the most original one on the list due to Stephen King’s Misery, but Misery was just fiction (not to mention the writer in the story was able to avoid being killed). In real life, if your writing is so infectious it compels a reader to go all Kathy Bates on you, it means you have achieved the status of master storyteller, and your death will be the envy of all authors. (Or it may just mean your books attract complete whackjobs, which is still pretty cool.)
Getting murdered by a famous author jealous of your sudden emergence. As a writer, the only thing better than getting killed by a fan is getting killed by one of your favorite authors. It means you’ve made it. Famous writers like to act supportive of newbies, but if they see a talented up-and-comer blast onto the scene and threaten their stronghold on the bestseller list, there will be blood. Or at least there should be. Cold-blooded competition and murder would make the literary world a lot more interesting to the general public. It would also be a great way for emerging writers to meet famous authors. Right now Chuck Palahniuk won’t even respond to my Facebook messages, but I bet once my Amazon ranking starts to creep up on his, he’ll be challenging me to a death match in an underground fight club somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. And that’s just the kind of demise I need to REALLY kick my career into high gear.
What do YOU think is a great way for a writer to die? Or if that makes you uncomfortable, what do you think is an AWFUL way for a writer to die? Remember, there is no wrong answer.
There's no need for a lengthy preamble to this post. The title is pretty self-explanatory. There is, however, a need for a light warning... Warning: The following content may be unsuitable for those who are sensitive to snark, bothered by barbs, or allergic to acidic quips.
agent: One of a handful of people on this planet permitted to enter the office of, make eye contact with, and occasionally even speak directly to an actual publisher.
Amazon. An immensely successful business that is wanted for the murder of thousands of innocent bookstores.
author (of fiction): A writer who is much more comfortable with imaginary people than with people who take up actual physical space and oxygen.
author (of nonfiction): A writer who is at least somewhat in touch with reality but who has a strange perversion for creating proposals and outlines.
bestseller: A book that contains one or more of the following characters: a zombie, a vampire, a werewolf, a wizard, a warlock, a nymphomaniac, a mass murderer, a hitman, an international spy – and preferably one character who is all of these things. Or, any book written by an A-list celebrity. Or, any book written by a B-list or C-list or D-list celebrity who recently released a sex tape.
book: A small rectangular or square object comprised of pages filled with text intended to help people forget about the devastating things they see on reality TV.
classic: A word that authors gleefully mutter whenever they witness a renowned colleague tripping on stage while accepting the Pen Faulkner Award.
crime fiction: A genre of writing that provides a somewhat healthy outlet for authors who would otherwise be institutionalized.
draft: The cold rush of air felt by a writer upon first reading the manuscript edits provided by his or her editor.
ebook: A reading implement designed for people who have a severe aversion to paper cuts, dog-ears and bookshelves.
erotica: A genre of writing that features more than one climax.
fantasy: What anyone who thinks they can make a living as an author is stuck in.
fiction: What every writer creates whenever answering the question, “How are sales of your book going?”
graphic novel: A comic book for people who have matured beyond comic books.
historical fiction: A genre of writing that prominently highlights events nobody really cared about even back when they actually happened.
horror: A word that commonly follows the words “oh the” after an author receives his or her first royalty check.
indie author: Just like an indie musician but with a larger vocabulary, fewer fans and no skinny jeans.
literary fiction: What ALL fiction used to be back when authors wrote at real writing desks rather than at Starbucks’ tables, and when they drank scotch rather than Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappucinos.
literature: The pamphlets that desperate authors pass out on the street and in coffee shops in hopes of getting someone to buy their damn book.
manuscript: What writers burn to stay warm once their heat is turned off.
mystery: The only way to describe the huge success of E L James and Stephenie Meyer.
non-fiction: The truth as misremembered by a writer.
novel: Something writers claim to be working on in order to justify their current lack of productivity and success in any other area of their lives.
publisher: A gatekeeper to the literary world, which, oddly enough, no longer even has a fence around it.
query letter: An author’s formal written request for a rejection notification.
rejection notification: Official proof that a literary agent or publisher has acknowledged a writer’s existence but not his or her ability.
royalty. 1. Money that is spent a thousand times over before a writer receives it. 2. What you have to be in order to get a decent book deal these days.
science fiction: Writing that becomes historical fiction after enough time has passed.
self-publishing: A bold and daring way for zealous authors to release books for their parents to read.
short story: A novel that isn’t tall enough to ride this ride.
thriller: A genre of writing that substitutes plot with pistol play, character development with car chases, and eloquence with explosions.
true crime: The fact that traditionally published authors get to keep only 10% of the earnings from the sales of a book they wrote 100% by themselves.
writer: A person who, along with an actor, is the driving force behind the waiting and bartending fields.
YA: The best way to define YA (pronounced 'why a') is to use it in a sentence: “YA book has to be written for tots, tweens and teens to have a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding these days is beyond me.”
NOTE: This glossary is a living, growing entity – unlike most authors’ careers. Feel free to add some of your own relevant and devilish definitions in the “Comments” area below.
When people ask me, “What’s your new novel about”, I tell them, “It’s a dark comedy about a party supply storeowner who helps terminally ill people end their lives with grace and dignity.”
That’s when the people invariably knit their brow and ask: “You wrote a comedy about suicide?”
“Of course not,” I respond. “What kind of insensitive jerk do you think I am? I wrote a comedy about mercy killing."
And for the record, my new novel – The Exit Man – is more of a dramedy than a comedy. I’m really not such a bad guy. Neither is my protagonist, Eli.
Another very common follow-up question I receive from the few people who aren’t afraid to continue talking to me is: “How did you come up with that?”
Well, like many writers and other sensitive creative types, I often think about suicide whenever the slightest thing doesn’t go my way. (Now, before any of you offer me a hotline number to call or recommend I seek psychiatric help, let me point out that, while I may often think about suicide, I don’t often think about committing suicide. Thank you, though, for your imagined concern.)
So, one day, after something horrible happened to me (I couldn’t find my favorite pen), I started thinking about what would be the easiest, most humane and least messy way to end it all. That, of course, led to a Google search where, after a little bit of digital digging, I discovered that the steady and controlled inhalation of helium – via a tank, a tube and a plastic bag over the head – was the method of choice among many right-to-die advocates.
Fortunately I have ADHD, so I soon forgot that I was upset about my misplaced pen and became very intrigued by what I was reading. I saw the spark of a potentially good story. An original story.
Like most people, when I think of helium I think of party balloons (and squeaky voices). So when fleshing out my story, I got to thinking how interesting it would be to have a regular schmoe who owns a party supply store somehow get involved in euthanasia. I didn’t want to have an evil and sadistic protagonist, however, so I was careful to craft a set of circumstances that would make the party supply guy’s indoctrination into mercy killing not only believable but noble (no helium pun intended). A sort of 'Dexter meets Dr. Kevorkian' kind of tale.
I want to point out that The Exit Man in no way makes light of suicide or terminal illness. The book is certainly a dark comedy (at least I hope it elicits some laughter); however, the humor in the book stems not from death or suffering. Rather, the humor comes from the complicated predicaments that Eli continuously finds himself in. And also from the stark contrast of Eli’s day job with his secret underground operation. Selling party favors one minute and taking a life the next – plenty of room for black humor there, don’t you think?
While making readers chuckle was definitely part of my original plan with this novel, laughter was not all I was after. I had hoped to engage readers and elicit lively discussions about voluntary euthanasia – all while providing plenty of suspense and intrigue.
So, now that you know what I was thinking when I created The Exit Man, I’d love for you to check out the book and then let me know what YOU think!
One of the coolest things about being an author (along with the vintage tweed blazers and the delusions of grandeur) is that occasionally people in the book world want to interview you. Whenever somebody who not only knows how to read but actually enjoys it and has a job related to it shows an interest in you, it makes you feel as if all those days and nights you spent slaving over your story and pulling your hair out were almost worth it.
Below is a my recent interview with a very smart and very cool book blogger named Meghan, who goes by the handle of 'The Gal in the Blue Mask.' (This interview originally ran on her blog a week ago, and Meghan was kind enough to let me share it with you on mine.)
Hi, Greg. Welcome to The Gal. Let's start off easy with you telling us a little bit about yourself.
Ooh, a dangerous way to start – don't you know the risk you run by inviting a writer to talk about himself? That's how unwanted biographies are born. I'll be kind and spare the readers the info-dump. Besides, by answering the other questions you pose below, the readers will learn more than a little about myself. Some of it they might even find the slightest bit interesting. But I'm not promising that.
What are 5 things about you that most people don't know?
1. My novels. (I'm hoping that will change soon.) 2. I was well on my way toward becoming a Physician's Assistant in the mid 1990s until I decided I wanted to be a professional writer. (I can still hear my mother sobbing.) 3. I lost my sense of smell for three years following a concussion in 2004. 4. I can freestyle rap about virtually any topic I'm given. I'm not even that bad at it. 5. I lived in Spain for four years (2000-2004).
What is the first book you remember reading?
As a young boy I loved reading, so that's a hard one. I'll say the first book I really remember reading – over and over – was Curious George Goes to the Hospital, by Margaret Rey and H.A. Rey. I adored that sweet, trouble-making monkey. I no longer have the book in my possession, but I occasionally visit a copy at the bookstore or look at the cover on Amazon. Each time I do, I tear up. Next question please, before I start to cry.
What made you decide to begin writing?
As my mini-bio says on the back cover of my new novel, "Greg Levin was born with the innate inability to shut up, and thus became a writer to provide a (somewhat) healthy outlet for all his words." Sounds like I'm just being glib, but there is a fair amount of truth in that blurb. When I was very young, I was a chatterbox. Soon I learned to draw to express myself. However, as I got older and realized I sucked at drawing, I became a chatterbox again. Not long thereafter I realized most people get really annoyed by chatterboxes, so I turned to writing in order to not go completely insane. It almost worked.
Do you have any quirks or processes that you go through when you write?
Not really. As long as I drink the blood of a sparrow every morning and take a break every three hours to pray to my picture of Franz Kafka, the creative juices and words just keep flowing. I mean, if you want to get technical, I guess you could call those things quirky…
Do you have a special place you like to write?
I wouldn't call it special – my writing office/nook at home. I'm not the kind of person who can write at a café or in a cabin in the woods. I'm getting old, and thus my back and butt need the comfort of my awesomely ergonomic Aeron knock-off chair. I also need my special ergonomic keyboard that I use with my laptop, and I'd look pretty ridiculous lugging that thing with me to cafes. As long as my back, butt and wrists are comfortable, I can write for hours. Having my bed nearby for a nap is also nice. As is having my freezer nearby, which is always stocked with vodka to help me deal with the stress of storytelling crises.
Is there anything about writing you find most challenging?
Yes – sitting still for any significant length of time. I've always been full of energy and need to move around a lot. Taking walks every 30 minutes isn't exactly the recipe for being a prolific author. I should probably invest in one of those treadmill workstations that enables you to write as you walk, but I'd imagine that would lead to a hell of a lot of typos.
Another challenge I've worked hard to overcome is writing authentic, natural-sounding dialogue. I've always been a pretty good narrative writer, but writing strong dialogue doesn't come as easily to me. Real dialogue happens quickly, on the spot, but when writing dialogue, we writers tend to think too much about the perfect word or phrase, so there's a real risk of the conversation sounding too polished or sterile, or even too witty. I've learned to write dialogue much more spontaneously, to try to really capture the heart and the grit of the conversation between characters – and to make sure that the words being spoken by each character are truly reflective of that character's traits and personality. Worst thing is when every character sounds just like the author!
What do you think makes a good story?
There's certainly no magic formula. In general, I'd say you have to have a highly compelling protagonist and main characters. They don't all have to be likeable, but they do all have to be interesting. And you need your protagonist to be up against something big, to have a fight of some kind on his or her hands – something that forces them to overcome adversity and take bold action. And of course you need zombies. Lots of zombies. I'm concerned about how well my new novel is going to do because I forgot to incorporate even a single zombie.
What book(s) has/have most influenced you?
I'm going to cheat a little, if I may, and take a snippet from a blog post I wrote several months ago in which I touched on my favorite authors:
If my house ever caught on fire, after saving my wife and my daughter and my cat and my vodka, I would risk my live to save my books by Dostoevsky, Camus, Kafka and Nabokov. I would risk second-degree burns to save my books by Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Chabon, Delillo, Bukowski and (Cormac) McCarthy. I would risk first-degree burns to save my books by Faulkner, Joyce, Roth, Sartre, Nietzswche and Seuss. And I would risk getting a little smoke on my clothes to save Woody Allen's short stories.
Where do the ideas for your books come from?
Hours and days and months and sometimes years of sitting around letting the gears in my head grind around in an attempt to produce even a single spectacular spark. Such sparks don't occur very often, but when one does, all I can focus on is building a raging bonfire. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to write non-fiction since there are so many amazing true stories to tell about the people, places and events in this world. But I guess I like the grinding, the searching, the sense of pure invention.
Which of your characters do you think is the most like you?
There certainly is a lot of me in Eli Edelmann – the protagonist of The Exit Man. We both have a rather sardonic sense of humor and a fair amount of neurosis, though he is a lot cooler and calmer than I am. If you were to put me in Eli's place in some of the more dramatic and suspenseful scenes of the book, I'd very likely have a stroke, or at least suffer a major panic attack. Even after simply writing some of those scenes, I had to pop a Xanax.
What have you learned creating [The Exit Man]?
I learned that first-person narrative is probably my strong suit. I really enjoyed and felt I was in my element writing the book from Eli's point of view, rather than from that of an omniscient narrator. Given the unique premise of the book – a party supply storeowner who ends up leading a double life as a mercy killer – I think it’s fun and exciting for the reader to experience everything just as the character experiences it.
I also learned that you can find humor in even the darkest of places without forcing anything or being distasteful. In fact, humor is actually necessary to survive in those dark places.
What do you think your readers will take away from this book?
I think the book will entertain readers and elicit some laughter – it is a dark comic novel, after all – but I think it will also make readers think. The book is brimming with black humor and sardonic wordplay, but it never makes light of terminal illness or suicide. I'm hoping the story opens readers' eyes and sparks lively discussions about voluntary euthanasia – all while providing plenty of fun and intrigue. Think Dr. Kevorkian meets Dexter.
What makes your book different than others that fall under this genre?
That's just it, The Exit Man doesn't really fit neatly into any distinct genre. It has elements you'll find in suspense novels and thrillers, but I wouldn't say it's a straight suspense novel or a straight thriller – or even a hybrid of those two genres. I wish "dark comedy" or "dark dramedy" were recognized as genres, then I could slap a label on my book! Regardless of genre, what I feel makes my book different is its overarching topic – euthanasia and the right to die with dignity. The book brings a lot of humor, heart and wit to an extremely controversial topic. It's dark for sure, but I purposely poked plenty of holes in the box so that bright beams of light could shoot through.
What can we expect from you in the future?
Hopefully many more dark comic novels. Fiction writing is pretty much a full-time gig now. Thank goodness my wife has a REAL job.
I've started working on three or four novels since I finished The Exit Man, but I keep falling in and out of love with each. Haven't fully committed to any one story yet. I guess I'm just not ready for literary monogamy. It's not the books; it's me. Regardless of which one I choose, I'm sure the other stories and I can still be friends.
Where can we find you?
I'm a rather social fellow, so in addition to my author website (www.greglevin.com) you can find me on:
Thanks, Greg. Let me know when you publish the next book. You're more than welcome to come back to The Gal :)
This has been a lot of fun – thanks for letting me ramble on about myself. I hope you'll all check out The Exit Mansoon!
I’m happy to answer any questions you, the reader, might have – unless it’s about money I owe you. Just post your questions in the “Comments” section below.
And be sure to check out The Gal in the Blue Mask’s website – including her glowing review of The Exit Man here!
This is the moment I have fooled myself into thinking you’ve all been waiting for…
…my new dark comic suspense novel, The Exit Man,is NOW AVAILABLE!
Once you stop trembling from joy and excitement over this news, I hope you’ll go and order a copy on Amazon. For those of you who love the smell of books and the sting of papercuts, you can order the paperback edition. And for you e-book junkies, there's the Kindle edition. (The novel will be available in various other e-book formats – Nook, Kobo, et. al. – very soon.)
Don’t know what The Exit Man is about? Find out here.
Need a little more convincing before buying the book? Call my mother… and/or read some excerpts and reader testimonials. You can also join my mailing list to immediately receive a free copy of Chapter 1 of The Exit Man.
If – I mean when – you order a copy, be sure to later write a review of the book on the aforementioned Amazon page, as well as on Goodreads. (Unless you end up disliking the book, in which case just forget I said anything. Forget you read anything.)
