Few things bring me more pleasure than asking fellow authors questions about their life and their writing process. Every once in a while, a fellow author will even respond to my questions.

Like R.D. Ronald, for instance. If his name seems familiar to you, it’s likely because he’s written two very cool novels within the past decade (one of which—The Elephant Tree—was among the titles featured in the big book giveaway I hosted a few months ago). R.D. writes transgressive fiction—in the same vein as authors like Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club), Bret Easton Ellis (American Psycho), Irvine Welsh (Trainspotting) and, last and certainly least, me.

Below is my interview with R.D., who’s from England but who may soon be moving to Cyprus in order to dodge British authorities. Thus, to experience the full effect of the interview, it’s absolutely essential you read R.D.’s responses in a thick Newcastle accent while sounding a bit suspicious.     

 

Hello, R.D. It’s an honor to have you here. You describe yourself as a “transgressive novelist for all and none.” I love that! What the hell does it mean?

The “for all and none” quote is from Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Nietzsche. I loved it when I first read it, and thought it so aptly applied to my books—and to transgressive fiction in general. For those unfamiliar with what exactly transgressive fiction is, Wikipedia hits the nail on the head with this definition: “A genre of literature that focusses on characters who feel confined by the norms and expectations of society and who break free of those confines in unusual or illicit ways. Because they are rebelling against the basic norms of society, protagonists of transgressive fiction may seem mentally ill, anti-social or nihilistic.”

You’re one of the biggest proponents of transgressive fiction, and have worked tirelessly to make the term/genre all the rage again. Why so passionate about this type of writing? More importantly, please hurry up and make it all the rage again so we can both sell more books.

I've always been passionate about transgressive fiction—long before I knew the term existed or, indeed, what it even was. If you're someone who has found yourself on the outside of things your whole life, never really fitting in here or there, then the voices and stories in transgressive books really feel they can be a mouthpiece for individuals you relate to. The problem was that there was no easy way to discover similar books, and most of my favorites from the genre I discovered completely by accident. I think generalizing the “ungeneralizeable” gives like-minded readers a way to connect with some amazing authors and books that otherwise they may never hear about.

Based on the photos of you I’ve seen, it looks like you work out every day with steel girders in an abandoned warehouse and have murdered many people with your bare hands. So my question is, how much can you bench-press? Less importantly, how many people have you killed?

Ha! Well I can't put a number on how many people I've killed, or I could well find myself behind bars again. I do like to work out but lift surprisingly little. I think I've just discovered a way to make fat look like muscle from a distance.

When did you know you wanted to be a writer? Or were you—like me and so many others—forced to start writing at gunpoint after being kidnapped by an insane-asylum escapee who insisted you ghostwrite his children’s book?

Fortunately I seem to have evaded this asylum escapee so far, but I do get pitched biographies all of the time from people who have lived "fascinating" lives. Like many people, I always felt I did have a good book deep within me somewhere, but it wasn't until my first stint in prison that I seriously considered it, and then committed myself to writing. 

Based on months of intensive research as well as your response to my previous question, I know you’ve spent some time in prison. Do you mind me asking what you were in for? How long? What did you use to bust out?

My crime against humanity was growing weed. Shocking, I know. For my first sentence, I spent only six months inside. I say only, but as each day feels like a month, it seemed a phenomenally long time. Obviously I didn't learn my lesson and was imprisoned again around five years later, and served 18 months. Again it might not seem a huge sentence, but around that period there were celebrities convicted on historic child abuse cases and got less time than I did. Maybe I'm not smart enough, but I couldn't understand how raping children was considered less of a crime than having cannabis plants. 

What impact did incarceration have on your writing?

It may seem odd, but I found prison was a huge plus for my writing both times. A lot of The Elephant Tree was written in prison, and certain points in The Zombie Room were loosely based on my experience inside. Locked inside a tiny concrete box for over 23 hours a day, day after day after day after day, I guess you find something to occupy your mind or go nuts. Luckily I was already nuts, so I read and wrote the whole time instead.

What advice do you have for aspiring writers looking to get some good writing done inside or outside a penitentiary?

I think writing can be a hugely cathartic thing. So my advice would be just do it. Don't worry about is it good or not, just do it. If someone who does that finds they really enjoy it, then perhaps something on a professional level can come of that later. Just be prepared for a life of rejection, hardship and virtually no financial reward from it, ha.

Your debut novel The Elephant Tree made a nice splash when it came out in 2010, and has developed quite the cult following ever since. So my question is, are you in a cult?

My cult days are behind me now, but my beard is coming along well so maybe I'll form one some day. I was reasonably fortunate that The Elephant Tree was so widely embraced by readers across the globe. Not in colossal numbers, but enough to let me know that there is a real hunger for books that fall between the cracks of mainstream acceptability. That in itself was enough to spur me on, continue writing and continue seeking out and expanding reach on my target audience.

Your novel The Zombie Room also doesn’t suck. I don’t actually have a question, I simply wanted to tell you that.  ... On second thought, I do have a question about The Zombie Room—a couple actually. First, why in the world would anyone in their right mind write a novel about sex trafficking? And secondly, which novel about sex trafficking do you feel is better—yours or mine?

Ha! Many thanks for that. There was initial interest from HBO—much like with your book The Exit Man—in bringing The Zombie Room to the small screen, but it didn't end up materializing. I did make a deliberate statement at the end of TZR that I knew critically I would be eviscerated for, but it's more about courage in writing and sticking to your own artistic integrity than it is about chasing ratings, so I'm proud of the book and what it meant to me.

It wasn't originally going to be about sex trafficking. The writing kind of developed a mind of its own and I let things take their natural course. Obviously it is a serious and ongoing issue in the world, and as such I had to do justice to the subject matter and do a lot of research.

As for which book is better, I think we both make significant contributions and readers should check out TZR and In Wolves Clothing and judge for themselves.

What do you like most about writing? What do you like least? (Feel free to go into great detail about the latter—people are used to reading lots of complaining on my blog.)

At times when writing, I can feel on top of the world. I'm not one of those writers that has a daily word count goal. I have days when I write x thousand words, then wake up the next day and bin them all. I have other days when I may only get out a sentence, but it is so perfect to what is integral to a scene, I feel it was a great achievement. 

What I like least is probably confusion about the type of books—transgressive fiction—that I write. I've been condemned in reviews because my book wasn't like some bestseller they had just finished reading. The thing mainstream readers don't understand is that those are the kind of books we are sick of. Sure they have their place in the world, but I don't want to sound like James Patterson, or Lee Child, or hell, anyone else at all. I have my own voice and it's one I'm proud of. Not reading like a mainstream book is not a failure, it's a deliberate act to represent readers of the same mindset as me.

Who are some of your favorite authors?

Some of my favorite authors are unsurprisingly members of the transgressive fiction community. Irvine Welsh, Chuck Palahniuk, Bret Easton Ellis. But there are also authors who fit into this category who many won't have heard of: Rupert Thomson, Lili Anolik, Kelly Braffet. Of course it's vital to go back to read and reread classics from the likes of Bukowski, Burroughs, Orwell, and Huxley. I'm always hungry to discover new authors whose work I can fall in love with, so this list may well have changed a year from now.

Can you tell us a little about what you’re working on now?

Right now I'm working on my third novel, A Darkness So Unkind. I released The Zombie Room quite quickly after The Elephant Tree, and as proud of TZR as I am, there are things I would have done differently. I made the conscious decision long ago to not release my third book until I was utterly happy with it. It's been six years since my last release, and I'm very close to completion of A Darkness So Unkind. I hope my fans are hungry for this next one. It's undoubtedly better than anything I've done before. Leaps and bounds. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to release it into the wild.

That goes double for me and many others, R.D.  Looking forward to reading it! I'll let you get back to writing it now. Thanks for taking the time to chat, and for giving my poor followers a break from my usual rambling, ranting blog posts. Best of luck to you and your books!

 

If you'd like to learn more about R.D.’s books and what he’s up to in the world, here are all the links you need to cyber-stalk him:

Website

Amazon

Twitter

Facebook

 

NOTE: For all you transgressive fiction fans, there’s a new website R.D. and I (but mostly R.D.) have been working on and are excited to tell you about. The site—a sort of “transgressive collective”—is still under construction, but will soon be loaded with awesome content that is laser-focused on darkly funny, daring and dangerous writing.

In addition to being the go-to place for transgressive readers, the site will serve as a powerful platform for transgressive authors—talented newbies and seasoned storytellers alike. Whether you’re working on your first or your fiftieth novel/short story, if you bleed intriguing transgressions on the page and would like to connect with smart readers and like-minded writers, give R.D. or me a shout.   

I'll share a link to the aforementioned site once we deem it worthy of public viewing. In the meantime, let us know what (and who) you’d like to see on the site. We want it to be YOURS as much as it is ours (well, R.D.'s mostly).

They say you should write only for yourself. That you shouldn’t worry about others’ opinions and instead just write what’s inside you.

And they’re right … if you’re writing a diary.

If, however, you’re writing a novel, which can take a couple years and pints of blood to complete and publish, there’s a good chance you’re hoping folks will read it. And there’s an even better chance you’re hoping folks will like it.

The bad news is, most folks won’t read it. The worse news is, some of the folks who will read it won’t like it.

Fortunately, I’ve learned a great way to cope with the crushing defeat and the feelings of utter insignificance most authors commonly experience. My secret? I pretend everyone who ignores or dislikes my books is dead or insane. This enables me to remain deluded and to revel in the handful of readers who dig my books—the people who remind me why I keep at this crazy writing game.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t write merely for external validation. I write because I love the pure act of writing and creating, the euphoria I get from completing what I think is a solid chapter or page or paragraph. Still, few things feel as good as when—after you bust your hump to bring a 75,000-word story into the world—someone other than yourself or your own mother says the story captivated them. Brought them joy. Made them laugh. Helped them through a difficult time. Maybe even transformed them to some extent.      

As much as I love writing novels, there are times when I think about quitting. Like when I’m struggling with a manuscript I’m working on. Or when I realize even my absolute best effort stands little chance of bringing me financial gain. Or when it hits me that every hour or day I spend with the imaginary people in my books is time spent away from actual people in my life. Or because I’m aware of all the big and real problems in the world, and know that me sitting alone in a room creating fiction isn’t doing much to fix things.

But it seems every time I’m about to throw in the towel and move on to do something I feel would be more productive and rewarding and selfless, some reader comes along and ruins everything with a positive and heartfelt review of one of my books. Something terribly enabling like:

“I finished In Wolves' Clothing a little over 24 hours ago and am still struggling to find the words to describe it, and to get it out of my mind. This is one of the best books I have ever read. I know that's lofty praise, but Greg Levin's ability to tell such a painful, horrible story and make it funny and inspirational deserve it.”

Or:

“As a cancer patient, I speak from a different perspective than most who will read this book. The humor and storyline are exquisitely delightful. Laugh-out-loud funny. I will read this again when I need a humor boost.”

Or an email saying:

“I lost my mother a little over a month ago. A few of my friends thought I should wait to read your book—given the subject matter. I wanted you to know that it was precisely the right book at the right time. A brilliant work of fiction that collided with an important time in my life. I loved your book, and my mother would have too.”

How in the hell am I ever supposed to leave writing behind and actually make something of myself if, on occasion—albeit rare–I receive such praise and encouragement?

Perhaps I need to start focusing on the haters and trolls a little more. You know, the folks who take time out of their busy schedule to send me email messages like:

“You are crap. Your books are crap. I hope you get a flesh-eating bacterial disease and die.”

Or who leave a one-star review like:

“Worst book I've ever read. Awful. If I could give no stars I would do that but I did not have that option.”

It could be the latter folks actually have my best interests in mind. (Well, okay, probably not the flesh-eating disease guy.) Could be they’re just trying to steer me in a direction that will be more beneficial to me and my family. Could be they’re actually members of my family.    

But I know me, and I’m sure I’ll just continue pretending such haters are zombies and/or psychopaths, and that I’ll continue putting way more stock into what my three or four super-fans have to say. And that’s okay. Because honestly, whatever keeps a writer writing (or a singer singing or a painter painting or a dancer dancing) is okay. 

I, myself, am a super-fan of several authors, and I’ve witnessed—and been surprised by—the effect that simple, honest praise can have on even famous writers … writers I’d assumed had become numb to all the compliments and accolades they’ve received from fans over the years. I recently reached out to a renowned author of dark yet powerfully poignant novels to let him know I’d just finished one of his books and that I regretted not having read it sooner. His reply:

“I've been pretty dejected about the industry for a while now, but meeting likeminded authors like yourself has invigorated my passion and determination to stick at what I believe in.”

Another author I greatly admire recently gave me the honor of reading the unfinished manuscript of his long-awaited next novel. Midway through the manuscript, I couldn’t resist emailing him to say it was shaping up to be the best book I’ve read in years. (And I wasn’t lying.) His reply:

“Much appreciated. I've been trying to psych myself up all day to make another run at the current chapter-in-progress, so your praise was well-timed.”  

Point is, writers are so damn needy. (I don’t do emojis, but feel free to insert a winky-face one here. Moving on …)

I didn’t write this blog post to pander to readers or to fish for compliments on my writing. (I already have every positive review and message I’ve ever received printed out and taped to a cocktail glass, so don’t worry about me—I see praise every day.) Rather, I wrote this post to remind readers of the power they possess simply by being a reader. Yeah, that does sound like pandering, but bear with me.

As a reader, you have every author in the world at your mercy. And you don’t owe them anything. You don’t have to read their books. You don’t have to like their books. However, if you do read one and you like it and feel compelled to let them know but figure they’re too busy or important to care, believe me, they’re not.

Their words may have left you breathless, mesmerized, overjoyed. Their words may even have restored your faith in literature and humanity. But I’m telling you, your words are even more powerful. A couple sentences of yours can touch a writer far more deeply than a thousand sentences of theirs touched you. Because what you have to say might just be exactly what the author needs to hear to continue writing. To continue fighting. To continue leaving not only you but countless others breathless, mesmerized, overjoyed. Transformed.

And, in the event you do reach out to an author to share how much their book meant to you and they don’t respond, well, don’t sweat it. Just pretend they’re dead or insane. Chances are, you’ll be right.

 

A huge THANK YOU to all the readers who’ve ever given my words the time of day—and who’ve graced me and kept me going with theirs.

Ever since my novel In Wolves’ Clothing launched in October, I’ve been meaning to interview Zero Slade, the main character in the book. However, we’ve both been extremely busy—he with traveling the world risking everything to rescue victims of child sex trafficking, and I with getting therapy to help me recover from writing a novel about a guy like Zero. The two of us finally got a chance to sit down and talk to myself this week. Here's the transcript from our candid conversation:

Me: Hi, Zero—great to see you again!

Zero: (Clenches jaw.) Don’t start with me, Greg.

Me: What’s the matter? Why so irked?

Zero: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the jet lag. Or perhaps the opioid withdrawal. But more than likely it’s just the chronic pain from, you know, my recent gunshot wound.

Me: Sorry, man. That’s all still bothering you, huh?

Zero: (Glares at me in silence.)

Me: If this isn’t a good time, we can reschedule.

Zero: Nah, I’m off to Laos tomorrow, then Mumbai after that. Let’s just get this over with.

Me: Okay, but you seem a little stressed out. Have you considered taking some time off from work?  

Zero: I already took some time off from work. After getting shot on the job. Remember?

Me: Okay, okay, relax. You’re acting like I pulled the trigger.

Zero: And you’re acting like you didn’t.

Me: Oh, I see how it is. You know, you’re not the only one with a difficult job around here. I’d like to see you try to create page upon page of compelling narrative and dialogue while under tremendous pressure to constantly raise the stakes and build tension to ensure readers remain riveted.

Zero: Oh yes, we’re all sooo impressed by your ability to write dangerous and harrowing scenes. But guess what: You wouldn’t last ten seconds in a single one of them. So don’t tell me about “difficult jobs,” you entitled little prick. It’s one thing to sit in a safe little room and type words that describe eight- and nine-year-old girls being rescued from the horrors of sex trafficking. It’s another thing entirely to be the guy who has to actually go in and be the girls’ worst nightmare so that their worst nightmare can finally end. (Extends arm and drops microphone at my feet.)

Me: (Sniffles.) 

Zero: Aw, man. C’mon, don’t cry. (Hands me a tissue.) Jesus—you writer-types are so damn sensitive.

Me: (Wipes eyes and blows nose.) Sorry, it’s just … that book took a lot out of me. But I’m being selfish. I can only imagine what everything was like for you.

Zero: It’s okay, man. The story had to be told.

Me: So you’re not mad at me?

Zero: I mean, I probably won’t be having you over to the house anytime soon—or buying the book—but I do kind of owe my life to you, so I guess we’re good.

Me: Glad to hear that, because I had this idea for a sequel where—

Zero: Don’t push it, Author Boy.   

Me: Sorry. It’s just that what you and the other members of Operation Emancipation do is so intriguing. Can I at least ask you a few questions about it, for the benefit of our audience?

Zero: Audience? You mean people actually read your blog?

Me: Um, for your information, smartass … I think so. Not really sure. But I do have a fair number of subscribers—a few of whom even open the emails I send them.

Zero: Your mother must be so proud.

Me: Actually, she recently unsubscribed. Anyway, let's get to those questions.

Zero: Fire away.

Me: For the people out there unfamiliar with my novel, which is pretty much everyone, could you please describe what you do? 

Zero: I’m a fake sex tourist.

Me: Yeah, um, care to elaborate?

Zero: (Rolls eyes, sighs.) I’m a member of a team that jets around the globe pretending to be pedophiles to trick pimps and liberate child victims from sex trafficking. I‘m talking the most heartbreaking sting operations you can imagine. And far too many frequent-flyer miles. 

Me: How does one end up in such a unique and difficult line of work?

Zero: Mostly by screwing up in a previous and more “illustrious” line of work related to law enforcement, national security and/or intelligence. In my case, I screwed up as a CIA agent. Some of my current colleagues and closest friends, they screwed up as FBI agents, Navy SEALs, Secret Service agents, Green Berets. That’s as specific as I can get without having to legally kill you.    

Me: Well then, moving on. Do you like what you do?

Zero: It’s kind of stupid to ask someone if they like playing the role of the vilest type of scumbag on earth. I’ll answer the question anyway: I hate that my job is necessary, but I like—and am damn proud of—what we’ve been able to accomplish.

Me: (Sniffles.)

Zero: Oh for chrissakes. Again with the crying? Dude, you must have been an absolute mess while researching and writing the book.

Me: (Wipes eyes and nose on sleeve.) It’s true. I was.

Zero: I mean, the shock and the anger and the sadness you must have experienced when you learned that over two million children are subjected to prostitution in the global commercial sex trade. And that the average age of these children is around twelve. And that their average life span after being trafficked is seven years, with many dying from assault, abuse, HIV, malnutrition, drug overdose or suicide.

Me: Well, the more shocked, angry and upset I became, the more I knew I had to write the book.

Zero: And I’m glad you did. Also, I’m glad you gave me and the guys on my team a sense of humor to help us survive and stay mostly sane on the job. And while I probably could have done without all the oxycodone and bourbon you gave me throughout much of the story, I appreciate you trying to help me numb the pain.

Me: Thanks, man. I figured if I needed those things to write the book, you definitely needed them to live it.  

Zero: How thoughtful of you.

Me: You’re welcome.

Zero: Now, what I’m not glad about and don’t appreciate is how you just HAD to have me overdose, causing my wife to find out about my opioid use and force me into rehab.

Me: I was trying to get you clean!

Zero: I know, but you know what would have been really helpful? Um, not having me get SHOT right after that. You see, having full access to powerful prescription painkillers is, uh, sort of nice after a metal slug has torn through your torso.

Me: I understand your frustration, but as I alluded to before, people who read thrillers demand mounting tension, danger and mayhem.

Zero: SCREW them!  

Me: You really shouldn’t scream and strain like that—you’ll pop your sutures.

Zero: Good! That would add "tension, danger and mayhem” to this interview. Your readers will be overjoyed.

Me: Oh, stop it. Honestly, I don’t know what you’re so angry and upset about—people really like the book. Have you seen the reviews? Readers love you  … actually, “love” may be a bit of an embellishment. They do, however, respect the hell out of you. Most of them, anyway.

Zero: Big deal. You think I care what thousands of people on Amazon think of me? 

Me: I never said thousands. Who do you think I am, J.K. Rowling? 

Zero: Whatever. Point is, I don’t have time to look at reviews or worry about readers’ opinions. All I care about is helping to free as many young girls from the clutches of traffickers and pimps as I can before I die, which, if you write a sequel, could be really soon.

Me: I understand and admire that. But can you stick around for just a couple more questions?

Zero: Fine, but then I gotta go.

Me: Okay. First, how's your wife?

Zero: Neda's doing well. I mean, you know, we're still working things out. With someone like me, that's no easy task. But Neda's tough as nails and doesn’t take any of my sh*t. She easily could have split and stayed gone after, well, everything. I'm grateful she hasn't given up on me yet.

Me: You’re welcome. And now for the last question.

Zero: Bring it.

Me: Okay, but to avoid any spoilers, I need to be careful how I ask it—and you need to be careful how you answer it. 

Zero: Is this about the ending?

Me: Yup. Ready?

Zero: (Takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, then nods.)

Me: A lot of readers were shocked and surprised by how things concluded in the book. Some have said they were initially so stunned, they had to go back and make sure they had it right.

Zero: Yeah, same here.

Me: My question is, what exactly went through your mind when you found out what you found out?

Zero: You’d already know the answer to that if you hadn’t ended things so abruptly.

Me: It was a conscious artistic choice, and I stand by it. I felt it enhanced the emotional impact.

Zero: Well, I guess I should thank you for fading to black right when you did. It wouldn’t have done anyone any good to see all the tears and snot pouring out of me just before I called Neda from the hospital to tell her the news.

Me: Yeah, I figured you deserved some privacy.

Zero: Thanks, man.

Me: At least until the sequel.

Zero: (Standing up.) This interview’s over.

 

NOTE: Zero stormed off before I could tell him I was just kidding, that I’m not actually working on a sequel to ‘In Wolves’ Clothing.’ After all, there’s only so much sex trafficking research an author can do before burning out and/or getting investigated by the FBI. That said, I have toyed around with the idea of one day writing a spin-off of IWC. It would feature Sung (one of the young girls Zero helped rescue in Cambodia) fifteen or twenty years later—seeking revenge on all the men involved in her being trafficked as a child. Hell, I’d read a book like that. So I may just have to write it. …        

I’m not successful enough to preach to younger writers about what it takes to succeed as an author. I am, however, absurd enough to preach to my younger writer self to help ensure he doesn’t end up just like me. (And if such preaching winds up helping others, too, well that’s just a bonus—provided they don’t become more successful than my younger self does.)

Following is a letter I’ve written to twenty-year-old me. I just hope it reaches him before he gets kicked out of the dorm I’m mailing it to.

Dear 1989 Me,

I hope this letter finds you well. I would have emailed you, but email won’t exist for another four or five years. Consider yourself lucky. 

This is not an easy letter for me to compose. For one, I’ve been drinking. Steadily since about 1997. Secondly, I’ve never been very good at delivering bad news. But here goes … I’m just gonna come right out and say it:

Greg … you’re a writer.  

I know this must come as a bit of a shock to you, especially considering what Professor Merton said about your essay in class the other day. But trust me, you are a writer, and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it.

Actually, there is something you can do about it—you can get a lot better at writing. And at being a writer. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. To share the mistakes I’ve made, the lessons I’ve learned and, most importantly, to let you in on how to get approved for more Amazon book categories so you can increase your chances of hitting bestseller lists. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s stick to the basics for now:

Read every day. And not just the books assigned by your professors. Also, nothing with a glossy cover .... or anything written by Cormac McCarthy or Haruki Murakami—their powerful stories and unattainable level of talent will depress the hell out of you and make you think you don’t deserve to write.

Be sure to read the following brilliant (but not so brilliant they’ll destroy you) authors as soon as possible: Franz Kafka, Albert Camus, Clarice Lispector, Henry Miller, Vladimir Nabokov, Kurt Vonnegut, Raymond Chandler, Joan Didion, Elmore Leonard, Donna Tartt, Margaret Atwood, Amy Hempel, Irvine Welsh …  Tell you what, I’ll send you a complete reading list in a subsequent letter. There’s not enough space here and we have to move on.

Write every day. It can be fiction or non-fiction or poetry, but go easy on the poetry. It doesn’t have to be perfect or even good. Yet. And you needn’t hit any lofty daily word-count goals. Just write.

If you ever find yourself without a typewriter or a word processor or a pen or a pencil, use your own blood. And if you can’t find any paper, use your own skin or clothes or those of your roommate. If you’re not sure what to write about, write about the time your future self sent you a letter encouraging you to write in your own blood. Readers love that kind of stuff. At least our kind of readers do.      

Make friends with mean people who know how to write. People like Professor Merton, only with better hygiene and office hours. These folks will tell you straight out when your essay or story or novel sucks, and will provide you with specific reasons why so you can get better.

Now, I’m not saying you need to surround yourself only with talented and brash a-holes, but it’s important to have at least two or three in your life at all times. At the risk of sounding cocky, you can count me as one of those a-holes.

Don’t be cocky. Relax, Junior, I’m not hinting that you’re going to become a world-famous author who can almost get away with being a pompous prick. After all, neither of us are Jonathan Franzen. However, you are going to develop a decent-sized readership—especially if you follow the advice I’ve provided thus far. And if you want to maintain and grow that readership, it’s critical to be kind, generous and humble. I’ve gotten pretty great at it.

The key is to always remember you’re nowhere near as good as Mom thinks we are. You’ll never be Cormac McCarthy or Haruki Murakami. And please don’t be Jonathan Franzen. Just be the following: 1)) thankful you have the freedom and (some) ability to express yourself creatively through the written word; and 2) grateful for every single person who takes time out of their hectic life to read something you’ve written—even more so if they pay to read it and aren’t even related to you.

Make your debut novel your third or fourth. I often tell aspiring writers that debut novels rarely do well and thus it’s better to start off with a later one. They think I’m just being snarky and absurd because, well, they know me, but there is an element of truth in irreverent nonsense.

Point is, when you finish your first novel—and you will— please remember you’re not even close to being done with it. Get it critiqued by some of those mean writer friends I mentioned earlier. Then rewrite the hell out of most of it, and get it critiqued again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Do this until you can no longer stand to even glance at your manuscript. Only then is it probably suitable for the reading public.    

Don’t view authors who write in your genre as “the competition.” As much fun as it is to sit alone in a room for days on end putting imaginary people through living hell while cursing writers who are more successful than you, you shouldn’t. At least not that last part. Writing is not a “you against the world” endeavor. Get out and connect with other authors, particularly authors who write the same kind of stuff you do but better. Why? Because those folks have fans, and those fans are likely to enjoy your writing … assuming you get this letter in time.

Readers aren’t monogamous. They’re not faithful to any one author. They have “a type,” and will give just about any author who fits that type a go. They’re like cheerleaders who sleep with everyone on the team, except they’re more literate and have fewer STDs. So go ahead and join forces with authors in your genre. Network. Collaborate. Ride coattails. Such socializing and schmoozing may seem like a lot of work, young me, but fear not—in less than ten years a thing called the Internet will allow you to become instant best friends with hundreds of writers just like you without having to leave your lonely little room. That’s right, heaven awaits.        

Don’t EVER neglect family or close friends for your writing. I’ve learned this one the hard way so you won’t have to, young me. There will be times when all you can think about is the sentence/paragraph/chapter/tweet you’re working on. And it’s at those times when you’ll need to remember what’s most important. As critical as your writing may seem, nothing trumps your parents or siblings or spouse or friends or therapist or weed dealer—except for when you get a really good idea for a novel during a funeral or family reunion.

I nearly lost a couple of people near and dear to me while writing and editing my last book. I came even closer to losing them again while writing and editing this blog post. But just because I’ve yet to figure out how to balance my writing and personal life doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have the same struggle. But you almost certainly will. So get help now, then send a letter to future you (me) and tell me everything I need to do. Hurry—I think I heard your future wife packing a suitcase this morning while I was working on what I’m pretty sure is my masterpiece.  

 

Okay, that's it for now.

Actually, just one more thing: Buy Apple stock ASAP. 

Sincerely,

2018 You

 

Turns out, postage to the past is extremely expensive. If you’d like to help me cover the cost of getting this letter to younger me, feel free to make a donation via my Amazon page.  

Good authors put absolutely everything they have into each book they write. The trouble with this is, when it comes time for them to make a public appearance, they usually have absolutely nothing left. They’re sapped of their physical and emotional strength, their authorial power and enthusiasm, their ability to arrive to the venue on time.

Add to this the fact that many writers are introverts, and you begin to see why live author readings are one of the leading cures for insomnia.   

It doesn’t have to be this way. Hell, it shouldn’t be this way. Any author who’s good enough to be invited someplace to read to a crowd owes it to that crowd to bring—and to elicit—the same level of energy and excitement that went into the writing. Actually, they need to bring even more. The people in the audience gave up binge-watching Stranger Things and braved traffic and human contact to come to the event. They deserve to be dazzled, captivated, shocked.  

So how can bookstores and event organizers ensure such excitement and entertainment at readings?

I have some ideas:

1) Force the author to read pages on fire. To be clear, the pages—not the author—should be on fire. It’s not only unsafe and unkind to set an author on fire, it’s illegal in some U.S. states.

Here’s how the pages-on-fire thing works: Several pages from the author’s book are printed out on standard 8.5 x 11 paper. The first page is lit at the top with a match or lighter and handed to the author, who then must read fast enough to stay ahead of the flames and to avoid second- or third-degree burns, but not so fast that they blur over any major plot points and confuse the audience. 

I’ve seen this type of reading done before, and it’s a lot of fun. For the audience, anyway. It’s especially fun when the author giving the reading is a sloppy drunk, as the presence of ethanol on clothes/skin increases the chances that an ambulance and the local fire department will make an appearance. And what’s a reading event without ambulances and fire trucks?       

2) Allow fights between the author and audience members. One thing that’s sadly lacking at most reading events is bloodshed. Sure, there’s the occasional exception, like when Stephen King’s fingers began to bleed during a signing in Seattle and he continued bandage-free for all the fans who were clamoring for authentic Stephen King blood on their book. (I’m not kidding.) But such invigorating trauma during author appearances is rare.

That can easily be changed. Bookstores and other venues could fill a ton of seats during readings simply by lowering security and allowing bored and disgruntled fans to throw solid objects at authors, or to rush the podium and tackle them. The venues could ratchet the fun up a few notches by not only allowing but also encouraging such melees to occur—maybe even taking bets from the crowd on who wins. To help ensure the author fights back tooth and nail (thus increasing the excitement even more), the venue could promise them a healthy cut of the earnings as well as a positive Amazon review from all in attendance if they win.

3) Have a stunt double do the reading. Even with the imminent threat of serious burns or beatings, some authors are simply too depressed and/or disassociated to spring to life at a public reading. A great way to fend against this and ensure the audience remains enthralled is to replace the author with a stunt double—someone who looks at least a little like the author’s bio photo and who isn’t afraid to do ridiculously risqué or dangerous things.

Studies have shown that people are 98 percent more likely to show up and stick around for a reading event when the reading is completed in the nude and/or while jumping out of a fourteenth-floor window. That number climbs to 100 percent if the author in question is Stephenie Meyer.

An added bonus: Because most stunt people are trained in some form of martial art, any attacks by disgruntled (or overly excited) fans are sure to result in the kinds of compound fractures that really captivate a crowd and turn a midlist author into an international mega-bestselling legend.            

4) Let the author’s significant other have the podium. No matter how gripping or heartbreaking or inspiring a book is, nothing compares to listening to the wife, husband or partner of the person who wrote it talk about the fresh hell of living with an author. In fact, I’ll bet a candid rant by Tabitha King is ten times scarier than anything her spouse Stephen has ever written. (And she, too, is an author, which I’m sure only adds to the horror.)  

Sure, an author’s significant other may initially act like they’re extremely proud and supportive of the demon they share a roof with. But if the venue serves alcohol, you could be in for a real treat, especially if the significant other is invited to say a few words after the reading. If they are not invited to do so, feel free to step up and invite them yourself. Just be sure to pat them down first.                   

5) Serve alcohol. Not only will alcohol help the author’s significant other come unhinged, it pretty much guarantees most of the other things suggested in this post will happen with no additional planning or preparation required.

 

Speaking of authors and reading and books, there's a big ebook giveaway being hosted by the good folks over at Authors XP. You can enter for a chance to win up to 35 crime/thriller ebooks! (It just so happens my latest novel, In Wolves’ Clothing, is among them.) To learn more about the giveaway, click HERE.