It’s generally assumed that writers are tortured souls, but the truth is most of us are just sensitive and self-obsessed babies. Struggling to complete and/or sell one’s books does not a tortured soul make. Nor does agonizing over which image to use for your latest blog post or how to get new “likes” on your Facebook author page.
The truth is, we writers today could use a little more torture. Many could use a lot more. Now, I’m not suggesting the general public go all Abu Ghraib on our asses and physically torment us every chance they get. I’m merely suggesting a little psychological and emotional warfare to wake us up and shake us out of our comfortable discomfort zone. A sort of, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” approach. It might even rile us up enough to produce something better than 99% of the sh*t currently labeled a ‘best seller.’
And with that I give you 10 ways to do some much-needed damage to a writer’s psyche:
1) While reading their published novel in front of them, make a face and say, “Ooh, another typo” every now and again. It is said that Oscar Wilde died not of cerebral meningitis but rather of psychosis caused by a sadistic friend pointing out 11 egregious errors in the pages of The Importance of Being Earnest.
2)Tell them you have a friend whose debut book got accepted by the very first big literary agent he/she queried. The writer you tell this to will politely smile and say, “That’s really great.” And then blood will trickle down their chin, as typically occurs when one has bitten clean through their lower lip.
3)Insist that “irregardless” is a word. Just because Merriam Webster recognizes ‘irregardless’ as a “nonstandard” form of ‘regardless,’ use of it can cause a writer to suffer serious emotional distress and, often, the shutdown of major organs.
4)If the writer is your spouse/partner, tell them you’ll be withholding sex until they read 50 Shades of Gray from cover to cover. This is extremely torturous for a writer, as it forces them to choose between celibacy and destroying their soul.
5)Tell them you’re not buying their book because you’re waiting until it’s made into a movie. For enhanced results, be sure to add a nice, “I mean really, who actually reads anymore?”
6) Ask them, “Why can’t you write more like THIS?” while holding up a copy of one of the Twilight books. Before you do this, be sure you are wearing fire-retardant clothing to protect you from serious burns in the likely event the writer combusts.
7) Send them a fake rejection letter telling them you would have accepted their manuscript if only they had used a different font. “Close but no cigar” incidents are excruciating for writers. Just ask John Kennedy Toole, whose novel A Confederacy of Dunces was rejected by a major publisher in the final stages of publication consideration in 1966. Sadly, this contributed largely to Toole’s suicide a couple of years later. The good news is the award-winning novel was eventually published in 1980; the bad news is Toole was still dead and thus couldn’t celebrate or sign any copies.
8) Ask them to write a synopsis. For an author, writing a 300-page novel is a piece of cake; writing a formal and concise synopsis of that novel is painful and terrifying. Asking an author to try to condense their masterpiece into four or five pages yet still capture the full essence of each complex character and plot twist is crueler than waterboarding the author or making them use “irregardless” in a sentence.
9) Ask them to pay for dinner. Pretending to forget your purse or wallet when dining out with a writer is one of the most sinister things you can do, considering their entire last royalty check went toward buying a new pen cap. To keep this form of torture from going too far, just before they hand the waiter their credit card – which is already maxed out on fees they owe their website designer, book publicist and psychiatrist – “find” your purse or wallet and pick up the bill. Then promptly perform CPR on your writer companion. 10) Walk into their writing space and talk to them while the prose is flowing. This is perhaps the most deadly of all the torture methods listed, only it is likely you who will end up dead, not the writer. When in the groove, writers deal with interruptions about as well as Oscar Pistorious deals with noises coming from the bathroom.
There are plenty of other ways to torture a writer, and I encourage you to explore… irregardless of how other writers may feel about this.
Mind-altering substances needn’t always come in the form of a pill, plant, capsule, tab or tincture. Sometimes they come in the form of a book.
We’ve all read novels that have transformed us, creating a prodigious shift in our perspective, mindset or mood – even if only temporarily. Getting high on literature is not only more natural and organic than getting high on drugs, it doesn’t require you to deal with any dangerous or shady suppliers to get your fix… unless you buy your books on Amazon.
At the risk of sounding like a librarian making a public service announcement, the next time you feel the urge to pop an upper or a downer, or to trip or roll, consider reading a strategically chosen novel instead. Below is a list of some of the most popular types of drugs and medications – each followed by three books that will help you experience the same or similar effect as you would with the substance in question.
Drug type: Antidepressants Intended effect: To help one feel like life isn’t as cold and hopeless and alienating and miserable as it is. Books to try: To Kill a Mockingbird, The Little Prince, Oh The Places You’ll Go
Drug type(s): Amphetamines (as well as cocaine) Intended effect: To make one feel highly exhilarated and invincible yet still functional enough to pass the bar exam. Books to try: Fight Club, A Clockwork Orange, American Psycho
Drug type: Painkillers Intended effect: To create a feeling of euphoric numbness and detachment, as if floating just outside of one’s own body or onto the stage to dance your shift at a strip club. Books to try: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Trainspotting, Trout Fishing in America
Drug type: Hallucinogens Intended effect: To make one’s mind laugh in one’s face and remove the blinders installed by one’s mother and the government. Books to try: Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Gravity’s Rainbow, Cloud Atlas
Drug type: Sleep aides Intended effect: To help one to, as Samuel L. Jackson would say, “Go the f*ck to sleep.” Books to try: Middlemarch, Remembrance of Things Past, Pilgrim’s Progress
Drug type: Erectile dysfunction drugs Intended effect: To enable men to enjoy themselves immensely just before having a heart attack. Books to try: Delta of Venus, Tropic of Cancer, Vox Drug type: Laxatives Intended effect: To help one lose one’s sh*t. Books to try: The Haunting of Hill House, The Shining, Rosemary’s Baby
Of course, this isn’t even close to an exhaustive list. Surely there are some books you’d like to add to one or more of the categories mentioned above. Feel free to do so in the “Comments” section below. Then go get high on lit.
Oh, and speaking of books, I’m honored to announce that my latest one – THE EXIT MAN – was just nominated as one of seven finalists for Underground Book Review’s ‘Best Book of 2014’ award. If you’d like to vote for me/Exit Man, you can do so via UBR’s Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Underground-Book-Reviews/207947205943383?ref=tn_tnmn
Citing famous quotes is one of the best ways to appear witty, sophisticated and eloquent while simultaneously helping you fill the space of a blog post without having to do very much work. As an added bonus, most people love to hear/read famous quotes, so everybody wins.
Below are my all-time 25 favorite quotes about writing – from writers who are renowned not only for their craft but also for not having to rely on the quotes of others to appear witty, sophisticated and eloquent:
1) “There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.” –W. Somerset Maugham
2) “Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse. It cannot be done. You can’t fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal.” –William S. Burroughs
3) “We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.” –Ernest Hemingway
4) “Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.” –George Orwell
5) “The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.” –Muriel Rukeyser
6) “I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as he finishes the book.” –Roald Dahl
7) “The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.” –Robert Benchley
8) “I would advise anyone who aspires to a writing career that before developing his talent he would be wise to develop a thick hide.” –Harper Lee 9) "Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." –T.S. Eliot
10) “Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.” –Robert A. Heinlein
11) “I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.” –Patrick Dennis
12) “Get your facts first then you may distort them as you please.” –Mark Twain
13) “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is … the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.” –Mark Twain
14) “The most beautiful things are those that madness prompts and reason writes.” –Andre Gide
15) “Do not hoard what seems good for a later place in the book, or for another book; give it, give it all, give it now.” –Annie Dillard
16) “I almost always urge people to write in the first person. …Writing is an act of ego and you might as well admit it.” –William Zinsser
17) “Let the world burn through you. Throw the prism light, white hot, on paper.” –Ray Bradbury
18) “You don’t have to say everything to say something.” –Beth Moore
19) “Wanting to meet an author because you like his work is like wanting to meet a duck because you like pâté." –Margaret Atwood
20) “Art is not about thinking something up. It is the opposite – getting something down.” –Julia Cameron
21) “Every secret of a writer's soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind is written large in his works.” –Virginia Woolf
22) “Good human beings save the world so that bastards like me can keep creating art, become immortal. If you read this after I am dead, it means I made it.” –Charles Bukowski
23) “If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it. Or, if proper usage gets in the way, it may have to go. I can’t allow what we learned in English composition to disrupt the sound and rhythm of the narrative.” –Elmore Leonard
24) “You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.” –Madeleine L'Engle
25) “A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity." –Franz Kafka
Now it’s YOUR turn to seem witty, sophisticated and eloquent. What are some of your favorite quotes about writing, or about books/literature in general? Feel free to share them in the ‘Comments’ section below. (If you can’t think of any brilliant quotes, you are welcome to cite something I said in one of my previous blog posts.)
The eleven people who bought my first novel, Notes on an Orange Burial, may recall it was about a struggling and rather unstable poet (is there any other kind?) named Jona Gold. While most readers and reviewers found the title a tad ambiguous and, ironically, not very poetic, most laughed out loud at least once while reading the book (and not just at the typos). In fact, Notes on anOrange Burial won the award for 'Funniest Novel about a Struggling and Rather Unstable Poet Named Jona Gold.' Not to brag.
I’ve been so busy promoting my latest novel, I’ve inadvertently abandoned my firstborn book. As a sort of apology to my baby, I’m featuring in this post what nine of the eleven people who read Notes on an Orange Burial said was their favorite part – or parts, really. Throughout the novel, Jona receives several rejection letters from publishers who aren’t interested in his manuscript of postmodern poetry. However, the rejection letters do not appear as the publishers wrote them, but rather as the delusional Jona interprets them. And trust me, the power of a poet’s selective perception’ is mighty.
So without further ado, here are Jona’s rejection letters (pulled straight from the novel), as perceived by the peculiar poet himself:
Dear Mr. Gold,
Thank you very much for the recent submission of your poetry chapbook, Notes on an Orange Burial. While we appreciate the effort that went into your work, we will not be able to accept it for publication at this time. Please do not be overly discouraged by this news as we are a rather unimportant publishing company that, more often than not, is unable to distinguish between an inspired piece of verse and a barroom limerick featuring scatological leitmotifs. I cannot over-emphasize enough the insignificance of our opinion, and hope that you realize how talented you truly are.
We at BlackStone recommend that you do not rip up this rejection letter in anger. We feel it would be much wiser for you to wait until you are offered the post of U.S. Poet Laureate some day in the not too distant future, and to then urinate directly on this letter in front of close friends and family at your acceptance celebration.
Once again, thank you for thinking of BlackStone Publishers. And please remember, our entire editorial staff is inbred.
Regards, Robert Gluck Senior Editor --------------------------------------------------- Dear Jona,
We at Rain and Shadow Press would like to thank you for submitting your book of verse, Notes on an Orange Burial, for publication consideration. Unfortunately, we find that the work exhibits stunning innovation in both subject matter and technique and therefore does not fit in well with the trite, unimaginative verse we have prided ourselves on publishing for what feels like decades.
Perhaps if your work had featured a half-dozen hackneyed pieces on love and life’s meaning, or if your father had been a famous drunken bard who had unprotected sex with our founder at some fabled cocktail party, we could consider passing your book on to the second phase of the acceptance process. As things stand, we have consciously chosen to be among the scores of other publishing houses that will collectively slash their wrists upon learning they could have signed one of the finest poets of our time.
We wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors, and look forward to you buying our company some day and then two days later selling it to a powerful crack magnate out of spite.
Sincerely, Susan Babcock Editor ---------------------------------------------------
Dear Jona,
Why somebody of your unparalleled poetic caliber would even consider submitting such an important volume to such a struggling and second-rate publishing house is baffling. Myself and the other fading editor here figure you must have addressed your manuscript to us in error while under the influence of some powerful dental anesthetic or children’s breakfast cereal.
In any event, we are very respectfully declining to publish the soon-to-be classic Notes on an Orange Burial, as we would rather not have to deal with the paralyzing sense of loss that would inevitably result when one of the elite and mighty publishing houses swoops down and steals you away from us.
However, if by chance you have an accident or a sudden stroke that causes your dazzling writing skills to diminish, feel free to submit your future work to Blue Canon. Until then, please refrain from so egregiously lowering your standards and teasing us. We do have feelings, despite what the poetry we publish may suggest.
Sincerely, Jacob Houseman Editor ---------------------------------------------------
Dear Jona,
Let me start by saying that, each day at SubVersive Press, we all form a circle around your manuscript to toss flowers, precious stones, rare coins, and assorted dark Belgian chocolates on top of it.
Unfortunately, nobody here is prepared to make the dramatic change in lifestyle that would be required if we were to publish such a groundbreaking volume. You see, our house has always prided itself on being scrappy and a little rough around the edges. By publishing Notes On An Orange Burial (notice how we’ve capitalized even the preposition and article in your title out of reverence), we would be thrust into the industry limelight overnight and, as a result, would no doubt begin to receive visits from important figures who would expect us to wear shoes in the office.
We realize the fame and prestige we are forfeiting, but we feel it is the right thing to do to maintain our company’s distinct culture. You will be happy to know, however, that we have designated August 26th (the date we received your stunning submission) as annual “Orange Burial Day.” Starting next year, we will celebrate this day by adorning our offices with rotting fruit and giving a prize to the employee who brings in the most majestic animal carcass.
Yours Truly, Elizabeth Brooks Publisher --------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Gold:
We are very much impressed by the dynamic scope and skill demonstrated in many of your poems, but we feel your true power and mystique as a poet won’t be fully marketable to the reading public until after your death. Myself and the other editors here are aware you are quite a young man, and you may not die for decades to come, which is why we would like to suggest suicide as a viable option. We can think of no better or more legal way to help speed up the publishing process and your resultant entrance into the annals of literary fame.
To be clear, we merely are suggesting suicide; we are by no means requiring it, nor are we trying to force the idea upon you. We certainly would never have even made the suggestion if we thought you weren't already prone to an overdose or self-asphyxiation (based on your countless allusions to and images of decay, drowning, wilting, and rain).
We do realize by taking your life before your book is published, you will never get to see the book in print nor help to choose the cover art. If it is any consolation, the joy and sense of purpose you would no doubt feel if you were to get to see your first book of poems published would more than likely have a detrimental effect on your artistically nihilistic perspective and, thus, render you unable to write anything other than love poems or scripts for coffee commercials. So, as we hope you will come to realize, yours is a rather clear case of better off dead.
Warm regards, Henry Fasserman Editor in Chief --------------------------------------------------
If you dare to learn more about Jona and/or Notes on an Orange Burial, you can do so here.
Aside from the very low probability of financial success, the extreme isolation, the chronic back and neck problems, the continuous eye strain, and constantly getting pushed to the brink of insanity by words or the lack thereof, being an author is a blessing.
So in the spirit of Thanksgiving (or as it’s referred to by people in every country outside the United States – “Thursday”), here’s a list of the things I’m most thankful for as an author: Discerning Human Resources professionals. I’ll be forever thankful for all the HR managers who had the good sense NOT to hire me for the various traditional office jobs I’ve applied for over the years. Were it not for those savvy professionals, I might have ended up in a nice office or large cubicle and with a handsome salary, thus destroying my creative spirit and interfering with my ability to struggle nobly to make rent.
My college Calculus professor. If I could remember that miserable professor’s name, I would contact him to thank him personally for killing my early love of math and setting me on a new path – one lined with letters and words rather than equations that filled me with the urge to cut myself… and class.
Spell check. I’m very thankful for spell check for catching the most glaring typos in my manuscripts and ensuring that editors, reviewers and readers think I’m much sharper than I actually am. But damn it, spell check, you need to find a way to catch not only completely misspelled words but also correctly spelled words that have no business being in a given sentence. C’mon, spell check, I know your butter than that – their is definitely room for improvement they’re.
The Interweb. Were it not for the World Wide Net, I wouldn’t be able to produce this blog, promote and sell my novels online, connect with readers and other writers via social sites, or send Chuck Palahniuk love letters via his author page.
My thesaurus. Having immediate access to a resource filled with synonyms helps make my stories seem more vibrant, dynamic, lively, spirited, electrifying, vivacious, zesty and zippy. Thank you , thank you, thank you, thesaurus – without you my life and writing would be shit, shite, crap, poop, excrement, dung, fecal matter and number two.
Print-on-demand (POD). Any indie author who isn’t thankful for print-on-demand technology is a jerk, a dolt, a fool, a twit, a bounder and an ingrate. (Thank you again, thesaurus.) POD enables indie scribes to make paperback versions of their book available without having to ask rich relatives for an early inheritance to pay the up-front printing costs for the thousands of copies they hope to sell but won’t.
Professional proofreaders/editors. As I alluded to earlier, I writer cannot live on spell check alone. Thank goodness for professional proofreaders and editors – with their fresh eyes and their ability to spot typos, grammar gaffes, redundancies, flat characters and terrible plot twists from a mile away. True, the good ones aren’t cheap, but as a writer you need to look at their fee as the cost of not coming off like a complete moron to the entire world – or at least to the six people who buy your book.
Cover designers. If I had to design my own book covers, readers would assume they were created by a third-grader with a learning disability or by a professional boxer. Some writers have a solid grasp of graphic design and illustration. Not I. Tasking me with a graphic design project is the same as tasking me with building a space shuttle. Thus, I thank the publishing gods every day for talented individuals for whom book cover design isn’t rocket science.
My family and friends. If it weren’t for my family, sales of my novels would be cut in half. I’m especially thankful for my wife, whose patience, encouragement and real job have enabled me to continue on my author path. I’m also very thankful for my daughter, who fuels my creativity and inspires me to sell more books so I can almost afford her private school. And of course, my friends, without whom I’d have a pitiful number of ‘likes’ on my Facebook author page.
Other authors. Whether it be the famed writers who’ve influenced and inspired me, or my colleagues who continue to fight the good fight despite what their bank account and the math behind book publishing and royalties tells them, I am sincerely thankful for other authors – just not those whose names rhyme with “C.L. Hames” or “Bephanie Dwyer.” Some people complain, “There are too many books out there,” and, “Everyone’s a writer these days.” True, but as a writer that’s great, as most of the books are awful and thus make your own works look readable. As for the “everyone’s a writer” remark, it’s better than “everyone’s a child molester” or “everyone’s a Kardashian.”
My readers. Last but certainly not least, a thousand thanks to my readers – that’s roughly 100 thanks per reader. Some writers claim they write simply because they love the craft and don’t really care if anyone actually reads their work. I’m not one of those writers. While I do love the craft, I also feel that writing without readers is like mumbling to yourself on a park bench or talking to my wife while she’s watching ‘Sex and the City’ reruns. I love knowing my words are being voluntarily absorbed and understood by other human beings. I love it even more if those words engage and entertain those human beings and compel them to tell other human beings, “You HAVE to read this guy’s stuff or we can’t be friends anymore.” Feel free to go do that now. I’d be very thankful.
Happy (early) Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it.Happy next Thursday to those who don’t.
