As an author of fiction, it’s often necessary to kill. I can do it with just a few taps on my laptop keyboard. While literary killing is simple from a tactical standpoint, sometimes it’s just as painful for the writer as it is for the character who’s getting offed. I’ve had to destroy characters I love and whom I know some of my readers love. Committing murder can be a real bitch.
It can also be a ton of fun and highly cathartic. We writers have the sadistic and twisted tendency to occasionally base a character – however minor – on someone in real life who pissed us off enough to get shot, stabbed, run over or beaten to death on the printed page. And the best part is, we always get away with it.
Here are just a few reasons (there are plenty more) why one day I might just have to kill you in a book:
You make me miss a light because you were texting in your car. I’m stopped at a red light, three or four cars back, certain to make it through the next green light. However, you’re in one of the cars in front of me – too busy texting your friend about how much you hate traffic, and you fail to realize it’s time to accelerate. By the time you do, the light has rapidly moved to yellow and then to red, as has my complexion. Rather than honk you to death, I decide to make your demise more painful and public by literally (albeit literarily) eviscerating you in some future chapter.
You don’t bother to hold the door open for me in an obvious hold-the-door-open situation. I’m walking mere steps behind you heading into the gym, but you feel that the minor physical effort required to keep the door ajar for a stranger might ever so slightly hinder your performance in your Pilates class. Thus, you scoot through and allow the door to shut in my face, thereby sealing your fate. Maybe if you had known I was a writer – one with anger management issues to boot – you would have displayed some common courtesy and, as a result, would not now be staring certain fictional death in the face.
Every time you see me, you tell me you want to buy my book… but never do. The first rule of not buying my book is don’t talk about buying my book. I get it, deep down (or maybe even straight up) you don’t like me and/or my writing, or you don’t have time to or know how to read. Fine. Then just do us a both a favor and don’t even mention my novel. I won’t be the slightest bit irked or offended. If you don’t actually look forward to reading what I’ve written, just shhhhhh. Or die in my next book.
You break my daughter’s heart.It’s really such a shame – the boy who recently and callously broke up with my 14 year-old daughter had his whole life ahead of him. And he’ll probably die twice, as my daughter is quite the budding writer herself.
You bring 20 items to the “10 items or less” lane. This is an act that, while rather common and seemingly innocuous, cannot continue to go unpunished. Before we know it, express lane grocery clerks will start to turn a blind eye to 30 items and then to 40 items, at which point society as we know it will inevitably crumble. I’ll let you go as far as 15 items, but after that, you greatly increase your risk of dying in a sudden explosion I force into one of my plots.
The grammar and punctuation featured in your Facebook posts are atrocious. And since you post far too often, you’re constantly burning a hole into my retinas and my soul with your improper use of “its” and it’s” and “your” and you’re” and “their,” “there” and “they’re” – not to mention your total disregard for commas and periods. Sure, I could just de-friend you, but it’s much more satisfying to make you suffer an untimely demise at the hands of one of my more sinister characters.
You’re my neighbor and do nothing to stop your dog’s incessant barking. Your canine hates you for keeping him chained to a tree all day and night. Luckily for you, your dog doesn’t have the ability to write. Unluckily for you, I do – and I have every intention of creating a world in which your dog – now rabid from a raccoon bite – goes Cujo on your ass. In this world I create, your neighbors all come running to your backyard… not to rescue you, rather to stand behind the fence and cheer on the mad dog.
Please note the above blurbs are not just idle threats of fictional killing. I’m currently working on a dystopian novel (set slightly in the future) about a man who works for a secret US agency in charge of population control, and whose job is to help “thin the herd” on a daily basis. He’s constantly on the lookout for common citizens behaving badly. And thus so am I. (Insert sound of maniacal author laughter here.)
Naturally, every author wants everyone to read everything they’ve ever written – or at least everything they’ve ever written that’s for sale. And while I certainly want as many people as possible to buy and read my latest novel, The Exit Man, I don’t want anyone with an elevated risk of not enjoying the book to waste their time and money. I’m thoughtful and noble like that.
So, rather than brag about how incredibly unique and captivating and intriguing and entertaining The Exit Man is, I’ve made a list of reasons why you may NOT want to buy my amazing book:
1) There’s not a single zombie, vampire, wizard, werewolf or overly explicit erotic scene. There were tons, but they all got edited out during the final proofing process since it was decided they did little to advance the plot.
2) The book is 99.9% text. Considering we now live in a Facebook/Instagram/Pinterest-centric society, I’m not sure WHAT I was thinking creating an almost entirely text-based piece of work – and a rather lengthy one at that. Like 300,000 characters long. I guess it’s true what they say – writers be crazy. That all said, the book does feature a cover image and even a few cool tone-setting pics that precede the start of the actual story, but after that, it’s all letters and words and paragraphs.
3) There is no audio book version available. Trust me, I get it. You have a job and kids and a drinking problem and a Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest account – all of which demand your attention for most of your waking life. You have neither the time nor energy to read. Unfortunately, reading is currently the only way to experience my novel, unless your significant other or hired escort doesn’t mind reading you to sleep each night. I have considered making my novel available as an audio book, but James Earl Jones charges way too much for his voice services, and Dame Judy Dench’s people have yet to return my calls. There is still hope though, as I am currently in talks with Gilbert Gottfried’s agent.
4) You are a little unstable, and the book mentions suicide a lot. I’m not judging – all humans, by their very nature, are a quite unstable… with the exception of Ryan Gosling, who really seems to have his sh*t together. We are the only creatures completely conscious of our inevitable death. That kind of knowledge will mess a person up, for sure. The protagonist of my novel is a rogue euthanasia specialist (is there any other kind?) who utilizes a very clean and painless method to help his terminally ill clients exit this world humanely and with dignity. If you, the reader, are suffering from any kind of existential angst or psychosis – and you are – this book might end up being a lot more suggestive than intended. I don’t have time for any legal battles with the surviving members of your family – I’m too busy writing my next disturbing yet poignant dark comedy.
5) I’ll probably just spend the money on drugs. Years of sitting on my ass writing has been hell on my lower back, and decades of being fully conscious of my imminent death has been hell on my hypothalamus. Thus, any funds earned from my latest novel will likely go toward muscle relaxants, pain pills and/or anti-anxiety meds. So, unless you are okay with supporting my dangerous habits (narcotics AND writing), better just to stay away from my book. Or just wait until it's available for free or at a severely discounted price after I’m institutionalized.
I realize many of you don’t like doing what you’re told and will go ahead and buy my novel despite my above disclaimers. Well, far be it from me to stand in your way. Hell, I’ll even be a good sport about it and provide you with a link to the book’s Amazon page.
There's no need for a lengthy preamble to this post. The title is pretty self-explanatory. There is, however, a need for a light warning... Warning: The following content may be unsuitable for those who are sensitive to snark, bothered by barbs, or allergic to acidic quips.
agent: One of a handful of people on this planet permitted to enter the office of, make eye contact with, and occasionally even speak directly to an actual publisher.
Amazon. An immensely successful business that is wanted for the murder of thousands of innocent bookstores.
author (of fiction): A writer who is much more comfortable with imaginary people than with people who take up actual physical space and oxygen.
author (of nonfiction): A writer who is at least somewhat in touch with reality but who has a strange perversion for creating proposals and outlines.
bestseller: A book that contains one or more of the following characters: a zombie, a vampire, a werewolf, a wizard, a warlock, a nymphomaniac, a mass murderer, a hitman, an international spy – and preferably one character who is all of these things. Or, any book written by an A-list celebrity. Or, any book written by a B-list or C-list or D-list celebrity who recently released a sex tape.
book: A small rectangular or square object comprised of pages filled with text intended to help people forget about the devastating things they see on reality TV.
classic: A word that authors gleefully mutter whenever they witness a renowned colleague tripping on stage while accepting the Pen Faulkner Award.
crime fiction: A genre of writing that provides a somewhat healthy outlet for authors who would otherwise be institutionalized.
draft: The cold rush of air felt by a writer upon first reading the manuscript edits provided by his or her editor.
ebook: A reading implement designed for people who have a severe aversion to paper cuts, dog-ears and bookshelves.
erotica: A genre of writing that features more than one climax.
fantasy: What anyone who thinks they can make a living as an author is stuck in.
fiction: What every writer creates whenever answering the question, “How are sales of your book going?”
graphic novel: A comic book for people who have matured beyond comic books.
historical fiction: A genre of writing that prominently highlights events nobody really cared about even back when they actually happened.
horror: A word that commonly follows the words “oh the” after an author receives his or her first royalty check.
indie author: Just like an indie musician but with a larger vocabulary, fewer fans and no skinny jeans.
literary fiction: What ALL fiction used to be back when authors wrote at real writing desks rather than at Starbucks’ tables, and when they drank scotch rather than Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappucinos.
literature: The pamphlets that desperate authors pass out on the street and in coffee shops in hopes of getting someone to buy their damn book.
manuscript: What writers burn to stay warm once their heat is turned off.
mystery: The only way to describe the huge success of E L James and Stephenie Meyer.
non-fiction: The truth as misremembered by a writer.
novel: Something writers claim to be working on in order to justify their current lack of productivity and success in any other area of their lives.
publisher: A gatekeeper to the literary world, which, oddly enough, no longer even has a fence around it.
query letter: An author’s formal written request for a rejection notification.
rejection notification: Official proof that a literary agent or publisher has acknowledged a writer’s existence but not his or her ability.
royalty. 1. Money that is spent a thousand times over before a writer receives it. 2. What you have to be in order to get a decent book deal these days.
science fiction: Writing that becomes historical fiction after enough time has passed.
self-publishing: A bold and daring way for zealous authors to release books for their parents to read.
short story: A novel that isn’t tall enough to ride this ride.
thriller: A genre of writing that substitutes plot with pistol play, character development with car chases, and eloquence with explosions.
true crime: The fact that traditionally published authors get to keep only 10% of the earnings from the sales of a book they wrote 100% by themselves.
writer: A person who, along with an actor, is the driving force behind the waiting and bartending fields.
YA: The best way to define YA (pronounced 'why a') is to use it in a sentence: “YA book has to be written for tots, tweens and teens to have a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding these days is beyond me.”
NOTE: This glossary is a living, growing entity – unlike most authors’ careers. Feel free to add some of your own relevant and devilish definitions in the “Comments” area below.
When people ask me, “What’s your new novel about”, I tell them, “It’s a dark comedy about a party supply storeowner who helps terminally ill people end their lives with grace and dignity.”
That’s when the people invariably knit their brow and ask: “You wrote a comedy about suicide?”
“Of course not,” I respond. “What kind of insensitive jerk do you think I am? I wrote a comedy about mercy killing."
And for the record, my new novel – The Exit Man – is more of a dramedy than a comedy. I’m really not such a bad guy. Neither is my protagonist, Eli.
Another very common follow-up question I receive from the few people who aren’t afraid to continue talking to me is: “How did you come up with that?”
Well, like many writers and other sensitive creative types, I often think about suicide whenever the slightest thing doesn’t go my way. (Now, before any of you offer me a hotline number to call or recommend I seek psychiatric help, let me point out that, while I may often think about suicide, I don’t often think about committing suicide. Thank you, though, for your imagined concern.)
So, one day, after something horrible happened to me (I couldn’t find my favorite pen), I started thinking about what would be the easiest, most humane and least messy way to end it all. That, of course, led to a Google search where, after a little bit of digital digging, I discovered that the steady and controlled inhalation of helium – via a tank, a tube and a plastic bag over the head – was the method of choice among many right-to-die advocates.
Fortunately I have ADHD, so I soon forgot that I was upset about my misplaced pen and became very intrigued by what I was reading. I saw the spark of a potentially good story. An original story.
Like most people, when I think of helium I think of party balloons (and squeaky voices). So when fleshing out my story, I got to thinking how interesting it would be to have a regular schmoe who owns a party supply store somehow get involved in euthanasia. I didn’t want to have an evil and sadistic protagonist, however, so I was careful to craft a set of circumstances that would make the party supply guy’s indoctrination into mercy killing not only believable but noble (no helium pun intended). A sort of 'Dexter meets Dr. Kevorkian' kind of tale.
I want to point out that The Exit Man in no way makes light of suicide or terminal illness. The book is certainly a dark comedy (at least I hope it elicits some laughter); however, the humor in the book stems not from death or suffering. Rather, the humor comes from the complicated predicaments that Eli continuously finds himself in. And also from the stark contrast of Eli’s day job with his secret underground operation. Selling party favors one minute and taking a life the next – plenty of room for black humor there, don’t you think?
While making readers chuckle was definitely part of my original plan with this novel, laughter was not all I was after. I had hoped to engage readers and elicit lively discussions about voluntary euthanasia – all while providing plenty of suspense and intrigue.
So, now that you know what I was thinking when I created The Exit Man, I’d love for you to check out the book and then let me know what YOU think!
The old idiom “Clothes make the man” doesn’t really apply to professional writers, most of whom spend the majority of their time holed up in their house working in their pajamas or underwear – or less.
Still and all, every writer – and aspiring writer – needs to pay attention to their wardrobe and make sure they have in their possession certain critical clothing items and accessories. Failure to do so could lead to complete and utter failure. True, most writers are already accustomed to complete and utter failure, but it’s a damn shame when it’s their wardrobe that’s to blame.
The following pieces should be found in every writer’s closet or, if you live like I do, laundry basket:
One stylish/expensive suit or dress. Despite the fact that only your parents, your partner and some guy you went to middle school with have purchased your book, you still have to dress like a best-selling, award-winning author whenever you attend writers’ conferences and other industry events. Sporting something by Calvin Klein or Donna Karan will usually be enough to get you into the good conference cocktail parties and after-parties, where you can schmooze with the big agents and publishers who, hopefully, will be shitfaced enough to believe that your book they never heard of is selling like Fifty Shades of Grey based on the duds you’re wearing.
Note: If not even your parents are buying your book, then don’t worry about spending a bunch on a suit/dress or conferences. Instead, put the money toward some writing classes, or a ghostwriter... or nursing school.
A helmet. Every year, hundreds of writers suffer moderate to severe brain trauma caused by repeatedly banging their heads against walls, desks and literary agents. Nobody can expect writers to simply stop banging their noggins against things – that’s simply unreasonable. Thus all authors and even serious bloggers should be required to wear a helmet.
To date, only one US state has a helmet law in place for writers – Alabama – but that law is more to protect writers from local citizens who shoot at people for using “them big college words.”
Moisture-wicking shirts and underwear. When you spend all day creating intriguing and compelling prose, developing captivating plots and characters, and banging your head against things, you tend to work up a sweat. Very few writers can write well when wet – only Hemingway and Bukowski managed to pull it off on occasion. (Hemingway was often damp from the sea; Bukowski from beer and vomit.) It is therefore essential that every writer own at least three shirts and three pairs of underwear made of Capilene or some similar high-tech material designed to wick moisture away from the skin. This will enable writers to stay warm and dry enough to focus sharply on why they ever even started the book they’re working on.
Note that moisture-wicking clothing helps not only with sweat but also tears. This added benefit makes such apparel even more of a must-have for women and men of letters.
A tee shirt displaying the title of your book. This piece of apparel is really only of value to writers who still leave the house on occasion. If you are a complete and utter recluse, wearing such a tee shirt isn’t going to lead to many conversations about or sales of your book – unless you are Catholic or a Mormon and thus have dozens of blood relatives and/or wives living under your roof.
Assuming you are among the 28% of writers who are not recluses, donning a shirt displaying your book title (see mine below) is a great way to get complete strangers at grocery stores, bars, restaurants, bookstores (huh?) and the unemployment line to ask about your pride and joy. Be sure to hand anyone who does ask about your book a business card containing info about where to find it… then hand them your phone or tablet with the screen already displaying the “add to cart” feature on your Amazon page.
On days when everyone you do this with refuses to buy your book (and there will be many such days), just go home, continue working on your new book, and, most importantly, put on your helmet.
