It’s not uncommon for writers to spiral into madness. Less common, however, is to have such spiraling captured nice and neatly in a spiral-bound notebook.
A couple of months ago, a waitress at a café in Portland, Oregon, found a journal someone had accidentally left behind at one of her tables. The waitress had never before seen the customer who‘d been sitting at the table, and the journal contained no name or contact information inside. What it did contain were numerous entries from an aspiring author who’d been gradually losing his patience – and, ultimately, his marbles.
Following are several key excerpts from the journal, which, ironically enough, will soon be published by Harper Collins.
August 12, 2015: I’m so excited – I finally finished writing my debut novel! Will hire a professional editor to get the book in tip-top shape before I start submitting it to literary agents. To help pay for the editing services, I plan to work a few extra shifts at my job, and to sell my plasma and sperm on a weekly basis.
September 8, 2015: Got my manuscript back from the professional editor, who corrected a ton of typos and grammatical errors, provided a lot of feedback on how to improve the beginning, middle and end of the book as well as most of the characters and dialogue, and she recommended I consider a career working with numbers rather than words. She did say mine wasn’t the absolute worst manuscript she’s ever edited, and I told her I was very grateful for the compliment. As soon as I stop crying and cutting myself, I’ll get to work on the second draft.
October 17, 2015: After more than a month of revisions and amphetamine use, I feel my manuscript is ready to submit to agents! I can’t afford to pay for any more professional editing, but my mother read the new draft and said it’s one of the best novels by one of her children she’s ever read. Tomorrow I shall send query letters to ten of the top literary agents specializing in my genre. I can’t believe it – in just a few weeks I might have an agent! Or a substance abuse problem. Probably both.
October 18, 2015: Wow, that was fast. Already received my first rejection from an agent. While she opted not to represent me/my novel, she must really respect me and my time; otherwise she would have drawn out the rejection process for weeks or months, or perhaps ignored my query letter altogether. Such prompt communication is a hopeful sign! Granted, the rejection came in the form of an auto-response email featuring the words ‘DO NOT REPLY’ in the subject line, but still, I believe good things lie ahead! Now where did I leave my Vicodin and my razor blades…
October 23, 2015: Received two more rejections today, one from an agent I didn’t even query, which is strange. Feeling a bit down, but nothing a little electroshock therapy and Red Bull won’t be able to fix. I keep reminding myself that Robert Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was rejected 121 times before being published, and my manuscript features a much cooler font than his did.
October 29, 2015: There is a God! I received a request from an agent asking to see the first three chapters of my novel! I danced around the house naked for two hours. I then received a request from my neighbor asking that I close the blinds the next time I decide to dance.
November 8, 2015: Received two more form letter rejections, but what do I care? I’m practically signed already. I almost feel sorry for these foolish agents who are rejecting me now, as I can foresee the tremendous anguish and remorse they’ll each suffer once my novel explodes onto the bestseller list. It’ll be hard for any of them to bounce back from such an err in judgment, from such a missed opportunity. Just ask the guy who almost signed The Beatles or The Rolling Stones or The Wiggles.
November 17, 2015: It’s happening! The agent who requested the first three chapters a couple of weeks ago just asked me to send her the remainder of my manuscript. I drank a bottle of champagne and defiantly danced naked in the window facing my aforementioned neighbor’s house. Nobody tells this soon-to-be bestselling author what to do, not even the cops who are walking up my driveway right this moment.
November 18, 2015: Recovering nicely from the taser burns I suffered at the hands of the police yesterday. Thankfully no charges were made against me. The lead officer was kind enough to let me off with a warning after I promised to dedicate my upcoming bestseller to his German Shepherd.
December 1, 2015: There must have been some sort of a mix-up. Maybe it’s just a practical joke. Today I received a rejection notification from the agent who had requested my full manuscript. When I called her office to get to the bottom of this, they told me she was out to lunch – all 23 times I called. She has also yet to respond to any of the 27 emails I sent her since receiving the rejection a few hours ago. I can’t think straight. I can’t feel my legs. I can’t remember if any of my friends own a gun, or what the penalty is for kidnapping.
December 2, 2015: The reality of my recent rejection – when I was just inches away from literary fame and wealth – has just started to set in. So has the severe gastrointestinal distress from eating seven pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream with Diazepam sprinkles on top. After I induce vomiting, I think I’ll take a nice warm bath with the toaster. Oh, wait a sec, I think I see the mailman outside, and he appears to be smiling. Mailmen can sense good news inside of envelopes! I bet the three he just stuck in my mailbox are from agents dying to sign me!
December 2, 2015: Nope. Turns out the three envelopes were: 1) a credit card offer; 2) a warning from the electric company about my past due bills; and 3) another rejection notification from an agent. The plan now is to use the new credit card to pay the electric company as well as to buy a one-way plane ticket to New York City, where I will hand-deliver a basket full of dead rodents to each of the literary agencies that have spurned me. While in the city, I plan to also visit the Empire State Building and see who makes it down from the observation deck faster – me or my unpublished novel. See you in hell, everybody! (Assuming I don’t get rejected there, too.)
NOTE: You’ll be relieved to know there have been no recent reports of anyone jumping or attempting to jump from the top of the Empire State Building. That said, the body of a man with an Oregon ID was recently found on a bench in Central Park, lying next to a half-eaten manuscript.
I’ve always believed astrology to be totally bunk, but the stars and planets recently aligned in such a way as to compel me to create the following Horoscope for Fiction Writers:
Aquarius. You are progressive-minded, original and independent, which means you will produce brilliant works of fiction that earn you next to nothing. This is really a shame, too, as you are also a humanitarian and would have used much of your wealth to help those in need, like refugees, orphans and other Aquarius authors.
Pisces. Your artistic nature and desire to escape reality make you an ideal candidate to be a novelist; however, your trustful nature and gentleness make you an ideal candidate to get completely screwed over by your agent and publisher. You despise being criticized and cannot tolerate any kind of cruelty, thus it’s probably a good idea to forget about writing and get a job as a Disney theme park character.
Aries. Your courage, confidence and determination are vital traits that will eventually land you the big book deal you’ve always dreamed of. Unfortunately, due to your severe dislike of inactivity and delays, there’s a 99-percent chance you will end up murdering at least three people at your publishing house while awaiting the release of your debut novel. The silver lining, though, is that a triple murder can do wonders for book sales, meaning you will likely end up just as wealthy as your meth kingpin cellmate.
Taurus. You are highly practical, which makes it hard for you to write about zombies, vampires, werewolves, wizards, distant worlds or anything else that appeals to readers. And though your books won’t sell, your patience and stubbornness will keep you churning out fiction until the day your spouse kills you for refusing to write a book about a zombie vampire wizard from outer space.
Gemini. Your aversion to being alone, being confined and following a routine means you have about as much chance of making it as a writer as Mel Gibson has at becoming a rabbi. However, you are highly adaptable and will soon realize your best bet at becoming an author is to date a Pisces, steal their book idea and identity, and then have them killed or sent to North Dakota.
Cancer. You have all the makings of a big-time novelist – tenacity, imagination, passion – but your dislike of strangers will cause you to occasionally spit on people at book signings. Naturally, this will make you increasingly unpopular with readers and compel you to seek Jonathan Franzen’s advice on how to deal with hate mail and death threats.
Leo. Your success as a fiction writer is almost guaranteed – not by your inherent strengths, but rather by your inherent weaknesses (arrogance, self-centeredness, stubbornness) and dislikes (being ignored, facing reality, not being treated like a king or queen). While your future is indeed bright, you will need to work hard to stifle your natural cheerfulness, a trait that could seriously jeopardize your chances of being accepted by the literary elite.
Virgo. Sorry Virgo. Due to your analytical, practical and kind nature, the only way you will succeed as a novelist is if you undergo electroshock therapy, get a lobotomy, or become possessed by fellow Virgo Stephen King. Unfortunately for you, Mr. King is legally still alive, thus you would have to wait for him to die and then hope he picks you to possess. Please note there is currently a very long waiting list.
Libra. You are cooperative, gentle and gracious, which means your only option as an author is to write children’s books. While kids and young parents will adore you, authors of adult fiction will not, so don’t be surprised when they don’t let you sit with them at writers’ conferences or when they tease you for being able to make a living off your books. Your only notable weakness is indecisiveness, thus you may very well suffer a mental breakdown while trying to choose whether to write your next book about a bunny or a kangaroo that lost its hop.
Scorpio. You are passionate, distrusting, sexual and violent. These four traits alone already rank you among the greatest writers of this or any generation despite the fact that you’ve yet to complete a book. If you can find a way to tone down your love of truth and facts, you’re a shoe-in for the short list of every major literary award in existence.
Sagittarius. Forget about being a writer. Your tendency to promise more than you can deliver and to say whatever is on your mind regardless of how it makes others feel should make you seriously consider becoming a literary agent instead. Of course, your disdain for clingy people and off-the-wall ideas could make working with authors a bit problematic, but at least you will have no problem telling them to their face how annoying and crazy they are while still assuring them you’ll find a good publisher for their ridiculous book.
Capricorn. You are a condescending know-it-all who always expects the worse, which is why I personally think we should be best friends. As for a writing career, you show real promise. Your dislike of everything means you could easily write page after page of emotionally charged content on virtually any topic, except for positive thinking. Despite your own potential, you will marry a Cancer and use his or her success and connections to pave the way to getting a huge book deal.
NOTE: There is no doubt each of the horoscope entries above is 100-percent accurate. If yours doesn’t closely describe you and your experiences up till this point in your life as an author, it’s certain your parents lied about when you were born.
I often fantasize about having the power to change the fabric of reality through writing. Fixing the world through fiction. I’m not talking merely about writing a novel that inspires humans to do better and stop posting cat videos. I’m talking about creating true magic with words, where what’s written on the page actually happens – instantly… or at least after a little sober editing. I certainly wouldn’t want reality duplicating something I wrote right after my fourth whiskey.
We’ve all at some point privately played the “If I could snap my fingers” game. What I’m describing is sort of the literary equivalent – thinking about what the world needs, or, more importantly, what I really want, then tapping it out on the keyboard to make it so. Oh, the problems I could solve. The peace I could achieve. The millions I could make.
So, what exactly would I write about if I were suddenly bestowed with the power to dictate reality via fiction? The following five novels would be tops on my to-do list:
1) Hands Free. A global virus destroys all cell phones and tablets, and forces human beings to relearn how to engage with the people sitting three feet away from them, as well as how to accelerate immediately after a traffic light turns green. Naturally, many people struggle to adjust, creating a huge opportunity for the homeless and the Amish, who end up getting filthy rich consulting to the general public on how to survive without personal digital devices.
2) Alla We Need Is Love.During a peace summit in Jerusalem, leaders from all factions of Islam, Judaism and Christianity realize they have a lot in common when a lunch of hummus, couscous, tabouli and falafel is served and everyone asks for seconds. Soon, everybody at the summit is eating and drinking and laughing together – poking fun at themselves and how much time and energy they’ve wasted trying to totally annihilate one another. It then dawns on them that they should band together and go after the North Koreans, as well as anyone anywhere who changes lanes or turns without signaling.
3) Disarmed.A giant meteor crashes into the middle of the US, killing no one but sending shock waves that alter the entire country’s collective brain chemistry and love of guns. The strange effects are noticed immediately after the meteor’s impact, as NRA members, violent criminals and public school students all suddenly lose interest in shooting anything or anyone and instead become obsessed with art, literature, philanthropy and Sudoku.
4) Scripture This. Jesus returns to earth in his spaceship to school his modern-day “devout” followers on the true meaning of his teachings. Unfortunately, his spaceship lands smack dab in the middle of The Bible Belt, where a mob of Evangelicals assume he is just a homeless terrorist based on his appearance and thus try to kill him. This pisses Jesus off. Instead of him following through with his plan to calmly show the people how to be more loving, forgiving, gentle, charitable and humble, he opens up a god-like can of whoop-ass – setting fire to all the stadium-sized mega-churches in the region and afflicting all the hate-mongering racists and homophobes with a super-strain of syphilis. Before departing, he creates a new bumper sticker that quickly becomes all the rage: “What would Jesus do? Now you know, biatch.”
5) The New Ballers.Soon after the first female President of the Unite States is elected, she flashes Congress her breasts to distract them while she enacts a law prohibiting any professional athlete from earning more than $40,000 a year. The billions of dollars this frees up is then split evenly among teachers, social workers, farmers, nurses, non-profit employees, stay-at-home parents, and, of course, authors.
Which of the above titles would you be most likely to read? Which one(s) would you be most likely to burn? Which one(s) just got me uninvited to Christmas dinner? Share in the ‘Comments’ section below.
While it’s recommended the general public avoid engaging in discourse with fiction writers (for safety reasons), it simply isn’t possible to avoid all interactions with them—especially since so many fiction writers today are working as waiters and telemarketers.
In the event you find yourself face-to-face or phone-to-phone with a fiction writer, the most important thing to remember is he or she is full of shit. Fiction writers’ entire lives are built on a foundation of fantasy and fabrications. However, that doesn’t mean your conversations with them can’t be rich and meaningful. To help you, I’ve put together an FWTG (or “Fiction Writer Translation Guide” for those of you who aren’t familiar with the acronym I just made up). The FWTG contains a list of common phrases used by fiction writers in everyday conversation, along with what these writers really mean when they use them.
Following are a few excerpts from the FWTG, the full version of which is due out never.
"I'm an author." Translation: “Ask me about my book(s), then go buy my book(s).”
"I'm an indie author." Translation: “I've been rejected by over 100 literary agents. Still, you should go buy my self-published book(s).”
“I’m a full-time author.” Translation: “I have a trust fund, so it doesn’t really matter if you buy my books.”
"I'm really excited about this new novel I'm working on." Translation: “I've got a killer title and am just waiting for the rest to come to me."
"Sales of my novel have been steady." Translation: “My mother got three members of her bridge club to buy my book last month.”
"I’m taking a little break from my manuscript to let the story ripen in my mind." Translation: “I recently started binge-watching every show on Hulu and Netflix.”
"A few literary agents have shown interest in my manuscript." Translation: “One agent sent me a personalized rejection note rather than just a form letter.”
"Hi, it's been a while—how have you been?" Translation: “Have you bought my latest book yet?”
"Oh, you liked my book? That's very kind of you to say." Translation: “Don't just tell me, write a review on Amazon.”
"Sorry, I won't be able to make it. I'll be working on my novel that night." Translation: “I don’t really like you and would sooner lie about working on my novel than hang out with you.”
"People have compared my style to Hemingway's." Translation: “I'm often drunk.”
"My latest book is going to be a best seller." Translation: “I'm drunk right now.”
"I'm in between projects." Translation: “I'm suffering from writer's block and am currently contemplating suicide, or getting a job in retail.”
“I wrote two thousand words today.” Translation: “Tomorrow I’ll be deleting all the nonsense I typed today.”
“I have an award-winning novel.” Translation: “I own a copy of ‘Life of Pi.”
“I’ve never really liked [name of mutual acquaintance].” Translation: “I’m going to kill [name of mutual acquaintance] in my next book.”
“Writing is my life.” Translation: “I’m severely lacking in social skills.”
That’s it for now. I hope you enjoyed the above post. Feel free to wander around the rest of my website. (Translation: “I need a drink. If you didn’t laugh out loud while reading this piece, there’s something wrong with you. Now go buy my book before I come after you.”)
If you’ve ever wanted to try your hand at writing a novel, or if you’re an author who’s simply out of ideas, you might actually want to read this post.
I’m giving away story openings for free. Why? Because my head is flooded with them and I need to unload some to make room in my brain for more important things, like how to make a proper Vodka Collins, or remembering where the hell I left my car keys.
Some may wonder why I don’t just save all the story openings for myself in case I want to use them eventually. Don’t worry, I have an exceedingly hyperactive mind that generates new novel openings and ideas every minute I’m awake, and every second I’m asleep. In fact, I just came up with the first two openings listed below while writing this sentence.
So feel free to grab one of the following rip-roaring writing prompts and add just a few hundred pages to it. We can talk about what percentage of your royalties I’m entitled to later, after your novel becomes a best seller. You’re welcome!
1) As he was finishing up a lap in the pool, Zack heard a loud splash in front of him and smelled gasoline. He looked and saw his red Samsonite suitcase in flames, bobbing on the surface of the water. That’s when he knew it was over.
2) “I’ll take one chocolate-dipped and one maple-glazed.” These were the first words I’d spoken in seven years.
3) The groom looked at his lovely bride lying prone at the altar and asked himself, “Why is it nobody ever has a snake venom kit at these things?” 4) There’s a time for laughter and a time for dying. For Evelyn, it was a time for both. 5) “I don’t recall stealing any helicopters,” Angel told the detective. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must tend to the goats.” 6) “You have absolutely no reason to worry about exposure to the toxic chemicals unleashed by the explosion,” the stranger in the black Bentley told Carmichael. “You’ve been dead for three days.” 7) Benjamin got out of the minivan to fill it with gas and smiled through the window at the little boy in the back seat. It wasn’t until he’d swiped his debit card and inserted the pump nozzle into the fuel tank that Benjamin remembered he didn’t have any kids. Nor did he own a minivan. 8) My sister was a real son-of-a-bitch back when she was my brother. 9) Chloe stepped onto her balcony, careful not to spill her tea, and inhaled the glorious morning. “Garrett,” she called back into the bedroom, “come join me. Don’t you just love it when the moon and the earth appear in the sky at the same time?”
10) “You really want to know how my sister ended up President of the United States and I ended up in here?” Xanthia asked the woman in the damp cell next to hers. “It’s simple. I lost a coin toss.”
That’s all of my story starters for now. It’s time for you to take one (or two, you magnificently ambitious bastard) and run with it. Or if you prefer, you can share one of your own rip-roaring story openings in the “Comments” section below.
