Some may call this piece a confessional. Others may call it a cry for help. I call it Bernadette. I like to name all of my blog posts.
That's just one of the freaky things I do as a writer. There are many more.
That shouldn’t come as a total shock. A massive study on mental illness and creativity by renowned psychiatrist Dr. Arnold Ludwig found that nearly 80 percent of fiction writers are out of their f*cking minds. (I’m paraphrasing, of course. What Dr. Ludwig actually concluded from the study was that 80 percent of fiction writers are crazier than a bag of rabid wolverines.)
I guess the fact that I’m aware of my odd writer habits and idiosyncrasies means I mustn’t be too loony. Still, it probably isn’t safe for me to stop channeling my deceased former therapist for weekly sessions just yet.
Enough of this nonsense. Following is a list of some of the weird stuff I do as a writer:
Book-on-book action. I like to take a copy of one of my own novels, slide it between two really famous novels on my bookshelf, and then just sit back and take it all in. Sometimes I’ll even place my novel on top of a classic. There’s nothing sexual about it; it’s just fun to see The Exit Man acting like it belongs in the same company as The Brothers Karamazov and The Sun Also Rises. I get off on it. So, I guess there is something sexual about it. Maybe tonight I’ll slide The Exit Man between something by Zadie Smith and something by Clarice Lispector.
Post-it Note mania. Be it an idea for a whole new novel or just a tidbit to add to an existing one, when anything writing-related pops into my head, it immediately gets written down on a Post-it Note and stuck to my writing desk or some object lying on it, such as my printer, lamp or cat. (I realize it would make more sense to jot down such ideas and notes in a Word doc or in the ‘Notes’ app on my iPhone, but I’ve always found making sense to be overrated. It’s why I’m a fiction writer.) To make sure my cleaning lady doesn’t remove any of the dozens of yellow sticky notes on or around my writing desk, and doesn’t steal any of the ideas on the sticky notes, I’ve had her sign a “consent not to clean” form for that area of my house, as well as a non-disclosure agreement.
Killing you softly. Whenever I have to name a character who is going to die painfully in whatever book I’m working on, I’ll think back to the people who’ve picked on me or pissed me off the most in my life, or that morning, and voilà. I use only their first name to protect the person’s identity, and myself from a lawsuit. If it’s a highly unique first name – one that I feel would too easily reveal the character’s namesake – I’ll use some variation of the name. Like if Cher ever really insulted or irked me, I’d name the doomed character “Cheryl” or, if the character happened to be a stripper, Cherry.
Increasingly frequent positive reinforcement. Unlike with more traditional jobs, being an author means you have no real boss to provide you with incentives and rewards. Sure, hearing from readers is positive reinforcement in itself, but that’s assuming you have readers and that they like your work. It’s a big if. To ensure I get the reinforcement I need, I give myself little treats whenever I achieve certain goals and objectives. The trouble is, I’ve found I’ve lowered the bar a bit in recent years. Where I used to allow myself a light snack or a cocktail if I wrote a thousand words in one sitting, now I allow myself to eat a whole rotisserie chicken and down half a fifth of vodka just for completing a single paragraph containing fewer than five typos. The other day I properly used the word “nonplussed” in my manuscript and ended up having to see my chiropractor for injuries sustained while patting myself on the back too enthusiastically.
Barnes & Giggle. Okay, I haven’t yet done this one, but I’ve considered it, which is weird enough. Here’s how it would go: I’d bring a copy of my own novel into a Barnes & Noble (which doesn’t carry my book on its shelves; only online) and start laughing hysterically as I pretended to read it in a crowded area, like near the chocolate caramel tarts in the café. Upon seeing me so uncontrollably entertained, several people would end up asking me, “Whatcha reading?” Not wanting to be rude, I’d tell them the title and mention that I got the last copy in the store (“This book is just flying off the shelves!”), but I’d point out they can get the customer service clerk to order them their own copy, and that not doing so would be a great disservice to themselves. This would be a risky and humiliating venture were I a well-known author who someone might recognize. Fortunately, my writing has earned me little to no fame and thus nobody would have any clue who the hell I am.
If, after reading this post, you’re thinking, "This stuff isn't all that weird," then I'm afraid I have some bad news for you: You're a writer.
A few months ago, I posted a piece titled “My 25 Favorite Quotes About Writing.” I’ve deluded myself into thinking thousands of you enjoyed that post and are now hungry for more heady, witty quotes from dead people (mostly).
This time around, however, the focus of the quotes is on reading rather than writing. I figured this would have an even broader appeal than the previous post, seeing as how almost everybody is a reader (of sorts), while – based on the spelling and grammar I see in tweets and Facebook posts – only about 0.083 percent of people are writers.
Sorry, that last line was uncalled for. But then again, so is the existence of my entire blog.
So, without further insults or hostility, here are 25 of my favorite quotes about reading:
1) “There's so much more to a book than just the reading.” –Maurice Sendak
2) “There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book.” –Marcel Proust
3) “The reading of all good books is like a conversation with the finest minds of past centuries.” –Rene Descartes
4) “He that loves reading has everything within his reach.” –William Godwin
5) “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.” –Jerry Seinfield
6) "The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." –Dr. Seuss
7) “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” –Henny Youngman
8) “We shouldn't teach great books; we should teach a love of reading.” –B. F. Skinner
9) “Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours.” –John Locke
10) “Who I am, what I am, is the culmination of a lifetime of reading, a lifetime of stories. And there are still so many more books to read. I'm a work in progress.” –Sarah Addison Allen
11) “Never judge a book by its movie.” –J.W. Eagan
12) "A book, too, can be a star, explosive material, capable of stirring up fresh life endlessly, a living fire to lighten the darkness, leading out into the expanding universe." –Madeleine L'Engle
13) "If the crowns of all the kingdoms of Europe were laid down at my feet in exchange for my books and my love of reading, I would spurn them all." –François Fénelon
14) “Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.” – Mason Cooley
15) "The first time I read an excellent book, it is to me just as if I had gained a new friend. When I read over a book I have perused before, it resembles the meeting with an old one." –Oliver Goldsmith
16) "No entertainment is so cheap as reading, nor any pleasure so lasting." –Lady M. W. Montagu
17) “Children are made readers on the laps of their parents.” –Emilie Buchwald
18) “Once you learn to read, you will be forever free.” –Frederick Douglass
19) “Through literacy you can begin to see the universe. Through music you can reach anybody. Between the two there is you, unstoppable.” –Grace Slick
20) “Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.” –Groucho Marx
21) “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” –Groucho Marx
22) “Reading is a discount ticket to everywhere.” –Mary Schmich
23) “A writer only begins a book. A reader finishes it.” –Samuel Johnson
24)“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” –P.J. O'Rourke
25) “You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.” –Ray Bradbury
How about you? Yeah, you. Do you have a favorite quote (or two) about reading that you’d like to share? (Don’t worry if you can’t think of one off the top of your head; you can just google “great quotes about reading” and you’ll find a ton. That’s all I did.)
As an author of dark fiction, I’ve learned a thing or three about how to cleverly and discreetly kill a person. I’ve written about these things in vivid detail for public consumption. I'm in the midst of writing my third novel, and I’m already responsible for nearly two dozen murders in it. And in my last book, The Exit Man, even more people than that died at my writing hand.
If anything ever were to happen to my beloved wife or beautiful daughter or loving parents or a close friend, and foul play was suspected, I would be absolutely devastated. I’d likely also be a prime suspect, especially if the real culprit did a bang-up job and left behind no evidence.
Many people who’ve read The Exit Man (oh just let me pretend many people have read it) have joked with my wife, saying things like, “I hope Greg knows that if you die, the cops will be coming after him.” Don’t worry, I know. I’ve even thought about sending a copy of the novel to the police with a note stating, “This is a work of fiction. Any homicide that may occur to anyone I know and that resembles a homicide in this or any other book I write is purely coincidental and highly unfortunate.” You know, a sort of preemptive strike proclaiming my innocence.
Some may wonder, based on my penchant for transgressive fiction, if I really am all that innocent. Why am I constantly hunting people down and rubbing them out on the written page? Is that not a sign of a potentially dangerous man? No, it’s not. It’s the sign of a man who lacks the bravado and resolve to perform the same dastardly acts he has his imaginary friends carry out. I keep telling my wife that, but it doesn’t stop her from occasionally sleeping in the other room.
I realize I have only myself and my muse to blame for my predicament, but that won’t stop me from asking for a little mercy. If you are reading this and are even the slightest bit homicidal, I kindly ask that you leave my friends and loved ones alone. I just don’t think I could handle both the emotional devastation AND the legal hassle, not to mention the potential damage to my reputation as a writer of fiction. In fact, if you feel you simply have to commit murder, please don’t do it anywhere near me or anyone I know – just to be on the safe side.
Literary agents and publishers receive so many queries and submissions from writers these days, most have stopped sending out even the shortest, most impersonal written rejection notices. Before lucking out and finding a publisher for my debut novel back in 2011, I considered a formal rejection letter to be a significant victory. To not be fully ignored by the literary “powers that be” is positively enthralling and life affirming, especially in today’s ridiculously competitive publishing environment. Knowing that an agent or publisher cares enough to take the time to inform you personally that there is no way in hell they’ll be requesting additional pages or accepting your novel is certainly cause for celebration.
To help other writers in their endeavor to get properly rejected, I’m providing the “Request for a Formal Rejection Letter” I used to (pretend) to send out to literary agents. Writers who use this (or some similar) letter will soon find their mailbox and/or inbox full of “thank you, but no” notifications from some of the most important people in the publishing world.
Dear (name of literary agent or publisher),
I am contacting you today to see if you might consider my manuscript worthy of a formal rejection.
I realize that hundreds upon hundreds of unsolicited works come across your desk or enter your inbox each month, and that you couldn’t possibly take the time to provide each author with an official rejection notice. However, I think once you read the clever title and first two finely crafted sentences of my tragicomic novel before tossing the manuscript into the bin, you will agree that my work cannot be completely overlooked and indeed deserves to be spurned in writing.
Naturally, my dream is that my literary prowess will compel you – or at least the intern who brings you coffee – to send me a personalized rejection note that includes the full title of my book. However, I realize that such an honor is typically reserved only for writers on their second or third novel and suicide attempt. Therefore, I would be more than happy to simply receive from you a standard form rejection letter printed out crookedly on the thinnest office paper available.
I will fully understand if you decide to pretend that you never received this query letter and submission. I can only imagine how busy you must be helping aspiring novelists develop severe self-esteem issues and question the meaning of their existence. If you feel strongly that my work does not merit a single iota of your attention – let alone a full rejection notice – all I ask is that you at least not intentionally spit or excrete on my manuscript prior to incinerating it. At the risk of sounding pompous, I do think I deserve that much respect.
Thank you very much in advance for your time and attention, and for not hiring an assassin to ensure that I never submit any of my literary work to you again.
Like every other white author in his mid-forties, I frequently feel compelled to rap. I used to do it live for friends and acquaintances – at parties, weddings, funerals, the supermarket – but I decided to stop after they all got together and begged me to during a recent intervention.
They never said anything about rapping in written form, though, so I’m assuming it’s allowed. (I got away with it in a previous blog post, anyway.)
And with that, I bring you my latest literary hip-hop concoction – a rap that Eminem himself likely would have written had he developed the same love of reading as he did for homophobia and misogyny.
“Without Reads”(to the tune of Eminem’s hit rap song, “Without Me”)
I’m as mad as a monster cause nobody wants to read novels no more; they want TV, no hard fiction You hate novels? Well, that’s gonna spark friction I came here to rhyme, I didn’t come here to start bitchin’
A plot has got to get my eyes popping like a shock by a doctor when my heart’s stopping Cause I’m not really much for cooperating with an author who plot’s not intoxicating
It’s taking too long, so stop debating ‘Fifty Shades’ isn’t shocking, it’s copulating I know that you’re filthy rich, Ms. James But Anaïs Nin puts your “lit” to shame
So now let’s just see who next to read Selecting what’s next perplexes me I thought about the latest novel by Palahniuk It may not be his greatest novel – I still want it
So, go get a book for your Kobo or Nook, or your Kindle I don’t give a damn just go, look Maybe even pay for a paperback Nothing’s the same as some paper, Jack!
Now this looks like a book for me So everybody, this book I need Cause I need a little escape, you see Life would be so empty without reads
I said this looks like a book for me So everybody, this book I need Cause I need a little escape, you see Life would be so empty without reads
These illiterates, not reading even a little bit Watching “Game of Thrones” and ignoring their little kids Children start feeling like reading is worthless These kids’ imagination pretty soon won’t be worth sh*t
We literary people are scary Remaining immune to what’s polluting the airwaves We’re rebels, so let me just revel and bask in the fact that I am reading with a cat in my lap
It’s a disaster, such a catastrophe for me to see nobody reading, just attached to screens It’s enough for me to write a freaking rap and scream Now let me hear you clapping – are you backing me?
“Testing, attention please” Feel expansion the second that you get to read Here’s my ten cents, my two cents you took A nuisance, who sent, you sent for books?
Now this looks like a book for me So everybody, this book I need Cause I need a little escape, you see Life would be so empty without reads
I said this looks like a book for me So everybody, this book I need Cause I need a little escape, you see Life would be so empty without reads
Note: If you, like me, are dying to hear me perform this rap live, feel free to take me out for drinks. You won’t even have to make a request – after my third whiskey, the rapping will just happen naturally.
